Hiding it from Mom.

[Lorelei]

About a year ago, I talked to my mom about sex. I told her that I fully intend to use protection, only have sex with people I trust, and wait until I am legally an adult so that in the event of a pregnancy, I could be fully responsible and not have to depend on her to take custody of the child. My mom was uncomfortable with the topic but she approved of what I was saying.

Fast-forward a year. My boyfriend and I have been together for about eight months. The things I said still hold true. However, I don't think my mom understands that when I said I would wait until I was a legal adult to have sex, I only meant I would wait to have vaginal intercourse. I am comfortable with the idea of manual stimulation and oral sex. My boyfriend and I have engaged in both. (Yes, he tested negative for any and all STDs, and he is my first partner.)

I feel guilty about it because I'm hiding it from my mom. I even told my boyfriend that I needed to wait awhile before we try oral again because I have this guilt in the back of my mind. He respects that and is being patient while I try to sort this out.

It's difficult for me to talk about it with her, though. She gets extremely nervous whenever I bring up the topic of sex or dating. I tried to bring it up by asking if she had any boyfriends when she was growing up. But she just got even more nervous and told me that she didn't have time for a boyfriend when she was my age.

She knows my boyfriend. He's spent some time with our family, and she seems to like him. She gets all teary-eyed when she talks about how happy I've been since I met him. But the topic of sex is still a really difficult subject for her. I hate hiding it from her, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm not going to stop being intimate with my boyfriend just because it's a little uncomfortable for her to talk about.

I know this was a little long, so thank you if you read it all. If you didn't, that's okay too. I just need some advice!

[ashleyellen1637]

Hey there (:
ahh. I gotta say ive never been in that situation before. (my parents are divorced and i live with my dad) but i can empathize.

Just an idea: maybe try writing it all in a letter? ask her to write back? that way you dont have to have the awkwardness of a conversation but you both get to hear what you both have to say about the topic.

(:

[taylalatbh.]

It was good of you to speak to your mother in the first place, and tell her your safe intentions. But, if I'm honest, I don't really see why you need to tell your mother your sexual business. It's nice to be close but you don't need to share things like that. Especially if you want to do things that she wouldn't approve of.

You've already told her that when you do have sex, you will be safe and protected. And that should be all she needs to know. You shouldn't have to worry about what you do privately with your boyfriend and then having to tell your mother.

But of course, if you do feel like you need to tell her, you could follow the advice above and tell her in a letter.

Take care!

[Saphire]

In my opinion this is nothing to feel guilty about. There are just some things that parents don't need to know. If she gets nervous/awkward when this topic comes up, I don't see a reason in having any need to bring it up.. this will save making her feel uncomfortable.

Also, intimacy like this is a bond between a boyfriend and a girlfriend.. does anyone else really need to become involved with it? Especially due to the fact that nothing bad can come from this (for example no STIs or pregnancy).

[Lorelei]

Originally Posted by taylalatbh.

It was good of you to speak to your mother in the first place, and tell her your safe intentions. But, if I'm honest, I don't really see why you need to tell your mother your sexual business. It's nice to be close but you don't need to share things like that. Especially if you want to do things that she wouldn't approve of.

You've already told her that when you do have sex, you will be safe and protected. And that should be all she needs to know. You shouldn't have to worry about what you do privately with your boyfriend and then having to tell your mother.

But of course, if you do feel like you need to tell her, you could follow the advice above and tell her in a letter.

Take care!

It's not that I want to tell her everything, or give her every detail of my sexual business. But I think she's under the impression that I'm not sexually active at all... Should I just let her be in complete denial of the fact that I am? Especially when there's a chance she could find out on her own and assume that I was lying to her when I told her I'd be safe?

[taylalatbh.]

I haven't told my mother I'm sexually active. But I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and she's just assumed it. I never felt the need to tell her, and I don't know why anyone would want to tell their mothers!

If she wanted to know, she could always ask you? Otherwise, just forget about it and enjoy your time with your boyfriend. No one needs to know.

[lexi212]

I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend of 2 years. I had the talk with my mom as well. You know, the promising to stay safe and wait for love. I get how you feel. As soon as we began to have sex regularly, I wanted to stop. I was miserable just thinking about it, like I had betrayed my mom. Eventually, for my sake and my sex lives sake as well, I ended up telling my mom. Not details, just that I was having sex and wanted to go on the pill. My mom laughed and said she had assumed it for a while. It wasnt such a big deal, which isnt what I thought would happen. In my opinion, you talked to your mom about intercourse. Oral sex is not sex. He has no STD's, so obviously youre safe. I say go have fun with it. Guilt can come for many reasons, but I dont think this should be one of them.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

Originally Posted by Lorelei

It's not that I want to tell her everything, or give her every detail of my sexual business. But I think she's under the impression that I'm not sexually active at all... Should I just let her be in complete denial of the fact that I am? Especially when there's a chance she could find out on her own and assume that I was lying to her when I told her I'd be safe?

Is it possible, though, that your mother wants to be in denial about you having sex? Since she's made it quite clear that the topic of sex makes her uncomfortable, perhaps she just thinks that as long as you are being safe, she really doesn't want to know about it. To me, it seems like that because you feel guilty, you want to tell her, so that you can feel better about it. But you aren't considering her feelings or what she wants. If she doesn't want to talk about sex, why force her?

If you really, really want to tell her, then I like Ashley's advice about a letter. Your mum might feel a lot more comfortable with a letter than with speaking.

[Lorelei]

Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie

Is it possible, though, that your mother wants to be in denial about you having sex? Since she's made it quite clear that the topic of sex makes her uncomfortable, perhaps she just thinks that as long as you are being safe, she really doesn't want to know about it. To me, it seems like that because you feel guilty, you want to tell her, so that you can feel better about it. But you aren't considering her feelings or what she wants. If she doesn't want to talk about sex, why force her?

If you really, really want to tell her, then I like Ashley's advice about a letter. Your mum might feel a lot more comfortable with a letter than with speaking.

She has never told me, "This is making me uncomfortable. I don't want to talk about this." If she had, I wouldn't feel guilty for not discussing this with her. Instead, she nervously makes jokes about what she believes is my nonexistent sex life, and talks about my virginity to pretty much everyone in the family. She touts herself as being "open" and not like her parents. So that leaves me with a bit of confusion when she furtively avoids actually discussing the subject.

I'm not forcing her into anything. She's my mother. If she said she didn't want to talk about it at all, I'd respect that. And even though she hasn't said anything like that, I'm still being very careful about what I say and not pushing her to talk about it.

Originally Posted by lexi212

I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend of 2 years. I had the talk with my mom as well. You know, the promising to stay safe and wait for love. I get how you feel. As soon as we began to have sex regularly, I wanted to stop. I was miserable just thinking about it, like I had betrayed my mom. Eventually, for my sake and my sex lives sake as well, I ended up telling my mom. Not details, just that I was having sex and wanted to go on the pill. My mom laughed and said she had assumed it for a while. It wasnt such a big deal, which isnt what I thought would happen. In my opinion, you talked to your mom about intercourse. Oral sex is not sex. He has no STD's, so obviously youre safe. I say go have fun with it. Guilt can come for many reasons, but I dont think this should be one of them.

Thanks, Lexi. Reading that actually put some things in perspective, and made me a little less frustrated over this whole thing.

[Superstar]

I will let you in on something you may or may not know: parents are usually a lot smarter than we give them credit. Assuming they love you and pay attention to you, eight times out of ten they just know these kinds of things. So there is a chance your mom already might suspect that this kind of thing is going on. It wouldn't be surprising, anyway.

Regardless, this is a choice that is entirely up to you. If you feel the need to talk to your mom about it, then talk to her about it. Be honest with her. However, if you are going to do that, I suggest that you do it because you want to do it, not just because you feel guilty and therefore obligated to tell her such a thing. There is no reason to logically feel guilty for being a teen and experimenting safely and responsibly, which it sounds like you are doing. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your own health and well-being, not to your mother.

[Lorelei]

Originally Posted by Superstar

I will let you in on something you may or may not know: parents are usually a lot smarter than we give them credit. Assuming they love you and pay attention to you, eight times out of ten they just know these kinds of things. So there is a chance your mom already might suspect that this kind of thing is going on. It wouldn't be surprising, anyway.

Regardless, this is a choice that is entirely up to you. If you feel the need to talk to your mom about it, then talk to her about it. Be honest with her. However, if you are going to do that, I suggest that you do it because you want to do it, not just because you feel guilty and therefore obligated to tell her such a thing. There is no reason to logically feel guilty for being a teen and experimenting safely and responsibly, which it sounds like you are doing. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your own health and well-being, not to your mother.

I do know that parents are often smarter than we give them credit for, although my mom does play the denial card like a pro. It helps to be reminded, though, so thank you.

I don't really feel the need to talk to her about it other than feeling like she has a right to know what's going on with me, since I am a minor and in her custody. (This is something she used to talk to me about; that I'm her responsibility and thus she has a right to know...This was part of the reason I was so worried.) However, like you said I am being safe and responsible, so she doesn't have much cause for concern.

If she asks a straightforward question, I'll be honest with her (without being specific ). Until then, I can assume that she at least trusts me to make responsible decisions.

[niente_]

Well in my opininon you dont need to tell her anything. Like you've said you've stuck by the rules that you told her you would follow, so you shouldn't have any guilt. And if you did tell her the things you and your boyfriend do, it's likely that she actually would rather not know.

Imagine in 20 years time or however long away it'll be, and your little girl comes up to you and says "Mom, I had oral sex today with my boyfriend." You'd rather not know, right? And by telling your mum what you and him do together, everytime she sees him she'll probably think about it. Which won't be comfortable for either of them.

I think honestly it's best not to say anything.