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Question Confused, scared, wondering and stuck - December 11th 2013, 05:30 AM

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My boyfriend and I are not sexually active at the moment but I feel that we will shortly and pregnancy has always been on my mind even since early on in the relationship. In past (more abusive) relationships I was told that if I'd gotten pregnant I'd be abandoned but I know my current boyfriend wouldn't do that, he comes from a respectable upper middle class Catholic family and has told me has plans to marry me one day <3 thing is I know that at the rate we are going we will be having sex way before marriage. He is a very responsible guy but he loves still being young, he is mature but also immature (still an avid gamer) and there are times I fear things will get overly heated and I will get pregnant due to a lack of us being careful. We haven't been using cndoms because no penetration has occurred but sometims I worry when my period comes late if somehow some semen got in me. I want children eventually, I see him as the father of my children but am I ready now? Am I ready to give up my freeom and raise a baby? Give up my hopes and dreams? Take away his dreams too? Tie h down? I know he wouldn't leave me but I'm just so confused. Should I intentionally get pregnant at a young age or wait until I'm atleast 20? When is it the right time?


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Re: Confused, scared, wondering and stuck - December 12th 2013, 06:14 AM

I would personally purchase some condoms and keep them in your purse or wallet tucked away. Encourage him to keep a condom tucked away as a "just in case." This is especially helpful should he cheat on you and he would have one there. Guys due cheat, especially ones you never thought would.

Also, you should really consider your birth control options. Do you want just condoms on board or would you prefer another method for you to use like pills or the patch? Would your parents support your wish for birth control? There are a variety of reasons to consider using the pill such as it may help with acne that is caused by the change in hormones, pain, and just to be regular.

Raising a kid is very, very demanding and you should put yourself in the best position to have a kid because once the baby is born, you can't get rid of it. You should ideally be able to support yourself first and potentially another person. Your boyfriend should be able to support himself first too. This includes rent, car payments or travel expenses, any insurances like renter's insurance, all food, cellphone, utilities, etc.

You should have additional money saved up in the bank. At least six months of all expenses for the two of you including food and estimated average of gas and utilities. This is an emergency fund should one of you lost a job. A lot of people do not get hired for over a year or they make significantly less what they made. This fund will help offset those potential hiccups in life. People do not always get advanced warning about layoffs. Never touch this money unless you are unable to work.

Next, you should have 5,000 saved up minimum as an emergency fund. This fund is to cover unexpected losses like the car breaks down and needs a new motor, the fridge breaks down, there is a gas leak, the house burns down, etc. Never touch it except when big issues happen and if you use any money replace it asap.

Finally, what do you want to do with life? Do you think that you would be able to easily accomplish it in life? If you want to have a child, look into vocational programs where you can earn skills for a job with less time than a traditional school.

I do not recommend sitting there and saying what will happen will. You should take active part in deciding whether you want a child now or later. While people do not regret having children, many people wish they could have had the child later so they could have given the child the best life possible. If you cannot take care of yourself, then you should not have a child! You should be acting like an adult when you get pregnant and that includes paying for yourself.

Also, you should NEVER intentionally get pregnant by yourself unless you're using a sperm donor. It is not your choice to make and it is a selfish choice that will impact your child's future and potentially your relationship. To even consider doing this suggests that you are not at a point in your relationship that you should have children. A child is something you cannot return and the potential father should be included in the decision. Can you imagine if he decided that he wanted to have children now without telling you and poked holes in the condoms? That is horrible.
   
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Re: Confused, scared, wondering and stuck - December 12th 2013, 06:42 AM

The fact that you are confused and questioning all of these things leads me to believe that you already know what the right decision is for you. If you are questioning whether you want to "give up on your hopes and dreams and take away his dreams too" that tells me that there is more you want and need to do in your life before you become a parent.

If you are afraid that things may go too far in the heat of the moment, the best thing you can do is be prepared. If you can see yourself married to this person, then you can have a conversation about birth control and responsibility. If you get pregnant on purpose you need to consider how prepared you are to raise a baby and whether or not you can provide a child with everything he/she needs.


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Re: Confused, scared, wondering and stuck - December 12th 2013, 12:12 PM

It definitely sounds like you're not ready and you don't really want to have children just yet. But it's totally fine to have sex. You can use a number of different forms on contraception. There is the pill that you take daily, but if that seems like something you wouldn't remember to do then there's always other ways. Maybe go to a family planning clinic and see what your options are. Condoms are still a very effective form of contraception when used right. So get yourself a bunch for when you're ready.

I would say it was important that you talk to your boyfriend and let him know your worries. Truth and communication is a big thing in a relationship.

Hope I helped.
   
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