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Pregnancy and Childcare If you're pregnant, a young parent, or have questions related to either, ask them here!

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PoeticJessie Offline
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Week From Hell - April 5th 2018, 07:09 PM

On March 22, I found out I was pregannt. My primary doctor estimated me at 12-15 weeks, so around three to four months. My boyfriend and I went through a minor freak out, told our families, and then started making plans for when the baby comes. Once the initial freak out was over, we were both really about this baby, and we both felt ready to raise him/her.

April 3, we went to the Ob-Gyn for my first pregnancy appointment. They do an ultrasound and find out that instead of being 12-15 weeks like my primary doctor thought, I'm actually 22 weeks (five and a half months.) My boyfriend and I have only been together for four months.

We were both shell-shocked. I never had any symptoms that couldn't be attributed to something else. I had what I thought was a UTI back in January (I'll come back to why I was wrong about that) and thought after-effects from that was why I still had to pee a lot. I have bipolar disorder, and I thought that was why I was having mood swings. My bipolar is also what I thought was causing my irregular and then missing periods, as it has done that before. I didn't even stop having periods until January, and my periods have been extremely irregular since I was on the birth control pill about a year and a half ago.

We've been trying to get through this, and I've been following his lead. We didn't break up, but there's a little more distance while we both try to process everything that's going on. I've cried a lot -- I'm honestly terrified I'm going to lose him, and even though we've only been together four months, I've never loved anyone the way I love him. I don't want to lose him.

Today, the Ob-Gyn's office called, which freaked me out to begin with. I already have an appointment scheduled for this coming Tuesday for another ultrasound. Hearing from them soon is bound to be bad news, and it was.

Somewhere along the way, I've contracted chlamydia. When my ex (the baby's father) cheated on me, which is why I broke up with him, I didn't get tested because we had always used protection. I didn't think there was anything to worry about because of that, but now I'm seeing that it wasn't the case. I don't really understand it because I don't remember there ever being a broken condom that I noticed. That makes me feel a little betrayed, because if he noticed and I didn't for some reason, didn't I have a right to know that it broke? I feel like he should've told me, because now my relationship is really struggling and it's all because I didn't get tested and I didn't go to the doctor for the UTI I had that was probably just me showing symptoms of the STD.

On top of all of that, my baby sister has been comitted because she wants to kill herself. My baby started kicking on Wednesday, and I feel bad for not being happier about having him/her. I feel like I should be more excited for my rainbow baby, but I'm so stressed and sad right now, I just don't have it in me.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Week From Hell - April 6th 2018, 07:44 AM

Hey,

It does sound like you have a lot going on all at once, which is hard enough to manage on a regular day. But living with Bipolar disorder and being pregnant really steps up those emotions quite a few notches. My best suggestion is to remember to step back and see if you feel your emotions in each moment seem realistic and logical. Not to say that they aren't, but I know with my bipolar I make things worse by blowing things out of proportion. If you are not already, make sure you bring this up with your doctor as well. There are a lot of doctors who study mental disorders and pregnancy.

Moving on, congratulations! While you have so much going on and you might not always feel extremely excited about it, you have such an adventure ahead of you! I always like to belief everything works out how it's supposed to, even though it doesn't always feel that way. People always seem so enthusiastic. This is not always the case! Everyone feels different about every step of the process. Don't beat yourself up about it. While you might be a soon to be mom, it does not make you perfect.
As for the boyfriend, I'm sorry you're in this position. I would be blunt if you haven't already. Ask him if he's in or out, because you do need to consider the welfare of your child. If he's going to stay until they're 2 and then make a big deal that he's not their biological father, then he's obviously not worth your time. You need supportive people who have your back and will stand by you right now. If he's not able to do this because he is not the father, then maybe you need to maintain some distance between you so you can take care of yourself. If arguing with him is stressing you out, regardless of who is right or wrong it needs to be comprehensively addressed or a halt put to it until your body, emotions and baby are all in the clear. Sorry I am sure that doesn't help all that much, but in my opinion if this situation pushes him away from you for a long time, he's not worth it.

While your ex could have pulled a stunt like that, condoms are not always 100% effective. To become fertilized the egg barely needs any sperm which could make it through. This also means microscopic unintended holes could be there too. It could be it got too hot, such as being in a pocket, car or wallet for too long.

Last, definitely make sure you're talking to a doctor or therapist about your mood disorder with your pregnancy. You have a higher chance of post partum depression as well which you want to make sure to try to avoid.

I hope this was helpful at all. Focus on the positives around you! You have great things up ahead, even if they may feel uphill.

Maria



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Re: Week From Hell - April 6th 2018, 11:27 AM

Hey there,

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. It definitely sounds overwhelming. You did have the right to know if a condom broke. You have every right to feel upset about him not telling you. I also think it makes sense that right now you are not happier about the baby. It doesn't reflect on your love for it as much as it reflects on how much you are dealing with. I think there are a lot of people in this situation who would be struggling.

Maybe there are little things you could try and do to cope with everything? I think that you could look at the Alternatives and Coping Methods to try and find some things to do. What are some things that you like? I think that it could help to try and do those things. It might bring you a small bit of happiness while you deal with this.

I know you are worried about all these other things and those feelings are valid but try and take it one step at a time. It's likely that will help you to try and cope. I know it isn't easy and your mind is probably all over the place but I have found that when I try and focus on too many things at once my bipolar symptoms get worse.

I think the first thing to cope with would be the medical conditions. I know that's hard because you are worried about losing your boyfriend. I cannot tell you what will happen but I can tell you that this situation is not your fault and you did not do anything wrong. You might feel as if you did but it's not the most uncommon thing for someone to not realize they are pregnant.

Please hang in there and I am sorry I couldn't provide you with a ton of help. If you need anything please let me know.


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Re: Week From Hell - April 8th 2018, 11:26 AM

Hey there,

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. You definitely have a lot going on.

First of all though, try not to beat yourself up about anything that's happened/is happening. Its not your fault. Its certainly not your fault that your ex cheated, nor is it your fault for not getting tested earlier on as you had used protection and therefore did not think it was possible. Your ex partner should have informed you if a condom broke, for sure. The main thing is that it's been detected and you can get it treated now. In terms of feeling bad for not feeling super happy about the baby right now, I think the media projects this false image of how women should feel while pregnant, and give us the idea that we should be gloriously happy from start to finish; that it's this magical, perfect thing. But in reality no one feels that way. Even if you planned this baby and were absolutely over the moom as soon as you found out, becoming a parent is still stressful, tiring and life changing and its perfectly normal to feel uneasy about it whatever your situation. Not being filled with joy right now doesnt mean you don't love and want your baby, its just incredibly difficult to feel completely happy and content when you're trying to cope with a lot of change and turmoil. Don't feel guilty. Its perfectly okay to feel however you feel right now.

In terms of worrying about your partner leaving you, there's not much you can do to control that, but if he's committed to raising this baby with you despite the situation I think that's a very good sign. Just continue to be honest and communicate with him.

I think the best thing for you right now is to try to just take the days one at a time and make sure that you are allowing time for stress relief. It may be good to develop a sort of stress relief tool box. What sort of things do you like to do to relax and have fun? Write a list of those things and try to do one of them at least once a day to give you something positive to focus on. It could be really simple things like playing with a pet or listening to some music. Are your family supportive? Do you have any good friends that know your situation? Don't be afraid to ask them for help with things like getting to appointments and getting things prepared for when the baby arrives, or even just for a chat about how you are feeling. These people love you and will want to be there for you during times of need so don't feel bad if you need to lean on them a little right now.

Good luck.
Pm me if you need to chat.
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Re: Week From Hell - April 9th 2018, 06:28 PM

Last night, he said he needed time to figure out what he wanted. This whole situation still feels like my fault. I've put him through so much this week, and while I don't have any choice but to deal with it, he still has one. He doesn't have to stay and deal with the mess I'm in. Part of me wants to be mad at him. There were so many times that he reassured me that he was in it for the long run, that he wouldn't just leave if things got tough, that he loved me, and now he's just gone. It's been my experience that when someone needs time to figure out what they want, they're already gone, and it's all over already, and I don't know how to deal with that right now. It felt like things were starting to get better between us again, and he wasn't being quite as distant over the weekend, but I guess I misread something or missed something completely. I was finally starting to hope for the best when this all came down on me, and I want to mad about that, but I can't because I understand. I put him through so much recently, and who really wants to stick around in this situation? I even had to call out of work today because I just couldn't handle having to smile and be around people all day, and on top of that, I work with his mom, and her being so damn caring and supportive of me is just making it all hurt worse, because I'm not just losing him. I'm losing a whole family of people that I love. His mom has been amazing to me the entire time I've been with him. When my mom and I were fighting a couple months ago, she offered to let me stay there. Her house has basically been my second home. She even got me the job I have now after I quit a really shitty job back in January. I've come to love his family, too, and losing them will hurt just as bad, just a different kind of hurt.
I'm scared because, without his mom, I really don't have anyone to talk to and ask questions about my pregnancy. My mom didn't experience a lot of the "normal" pregnancy things, because she was so sick that she only gained [Edited]. At five months, I'm already bigger than she was when she gave birth, so all the stretching pains and other pains that would be normal, she can't tell me about. And she had so many health problems when she was pregnant, that the only real similarity is the fact that we both had to deal with a lot of emotional pain during the pregnancy. My dad went back to his wife (he was separated at the time) around the time my mom found out she was pregnant. My ex is a drug-using, irresponsible ass that made it clear from day one that he never wanted kids and if I ever did get pregnant, it was him or the kid. My boyfriend was so happy (after the initial freakout) when we thought we were having a baby together, and it hurt him very badly to find out that we were wrong and it wasn't his. He wanted this baby to be his as much as I did, and even though I know there's no way the doctor was wrong because of my symptoms, part of me still wishes they'd say there was a mistake and I'm only four months along tomorrow when I go back for my next ultrasound.
I want to be hopeful, but I don't want to be disappointed if things don't work out. I already feel like I'm losing so many important people to me all at once.

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Re: Week From Hell - April 10th 2018, 09:42 PM

Sorry to hear you are dealing with so much. It's understandable that you aren't feeling excited about the baby kicking after both you and your boyfriend are trying to come to terms with the fact that the baby is your ex's and also that your sister had to be committed. That's a lot of stress to be dealing with.

I understand that it may feel like your fault, but it's good to keep reminding yourself that it isn't. And while it's true that your boyfriend doesn't have to deal with this, despite saying he loved you, you don't know for sure that he will leave. You also haven't 'put' him in a situation because that would mean that it's your fault, which it isn't. You also don't know that you will lose his family either, who clearly mean a lot to you, especially his mother. And if he did decide to leave you, it doesn't mean that you can't stay in touch with his mother since she has had a positive influence in your life and it sounds like you could do with someone support through pregnancy which you might not get much from your own mother. Is it possible for your doctor to suggest or refer you to support groups regarding pregnancy? Whether or not you lose the support of your boyfriend and his family, it's always good to look for support in other areas too and we are always here for you too


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Re: Week From Hell - April 10th 2018, 10:26 PM

I understand you're worried after your boyfriend said that. But it may not mean he wants to/will leave. You guys have a lot going on right now, and he may just need some time to breathe and get his head around things. It doesn't necessarily mean he's preparing to leave. Sadly, you cannot make the choice for him, but don't feel as though the decision is made already. All you can do is see what happens and try your best to be understanding and patient.

In terms of worrying about losing the support of his family as well as him, his Mom seems to really care for you. If he does decide he no longer wants a relationship with you, it may be possible for you two to part ways amicably and continue a friendship. Even if you do break up, it may be possible for him/them to offer support as friends instead of as a boyfriend/boyfriend's relative.

I think right now you are focusing a lot on the worst possible outcome. It's good to prepare for these situations so you are able to deal with them IF they do arise, but dwelling on it too much is likely to only make you feel worse. Perhaps it would be good to focus your energy on finding and creating ways to cope with that potential outcome. If you are prepared for it happening it may help you to feel less stressed. Like the above poster said, maybe you could ask for some information on support groups in your area for people in similar situations so you'll have other sources of support. But keep in mind that there are various outcomes to this and the worst may not happen.

What ever happens, things will be alright. There's a lovely network of people here who will support you. Remember you haven't done anything wrong and don't put the blame on yourself for anything that's happening.

Best wishes,
Honey
   
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