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Pregnancy and Childcare If you're pregnant, a young parent, or have questions related to either, ask them here!

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What to think about before you have children :) - December 2nd 2011, 09:03 AM

my friend recieved this in an email so i thought i would share its so funny yet so true


What to think about before having children…

Lesson 1
1. Go to the supermarket.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch TV.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1.Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a pound. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle rice krispies all over the floor, and then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s shopping without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy rice krispies and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the rice krispies are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from In the Night Garden, Peppa Pig and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV but CBeebies, the Disney channel or Nickelodeon for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking what’s ‘Peppa Pig’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording saying ‘mummy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mummy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mummy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humour is one of the most important things you’ll need when you
become a parent!
   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 2nd 2011, 01:10 PM

Want my opinion? Dont have kids. Simple as that, im not going to bother with any of that bs to be quite honest.

Last edited by The Goblins Blade; December 2nd 2011 at 02:09 PM.
   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 2nd 2011, 02:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Goblins Blade View Post
Want my opinion? Dont have kids. Simple as that, im not going to bother with any of that bs to be quite honest.
You are entitled to your opinion. But I am wondering why you are here? If you really don't wan't to bother and you don't want kids or anything then why waste so much time in this forum? I am not trying to be mean I just really don't understand it.

This post is quite funny lol it is so true but from my experience so far a lot of it is quite extreme and exagerated lol. But soo funny.


   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 2nd 2011, 03:06 PM

haha thats so funny
   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 2nd 2011, 04:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by snoogums View Post
You are entitled to your opinion. But I am wondering why you are here? If you really don't wan't to bother and you don't want kids or anything then why waste so much time in this forum? I am not trying to be mean I just really don't understand it.

This post is quite funny lol it is so true but from my experience so far a lot of it is quite extreme and exagerated lol. But soo funny.
Im here becouse ive got my own problems and i like to help others. lol
   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 2nd 2011, 04:53 PM

LOL. Very funny :P They should make those hand outs to everyone thinking of having a kid


.:6:21 a.m.:.
.:12-01-2007:.
.:Logan Jacob:.

Baby HunterComing 7/12/14
My Everything

I support Project Linus!
Let Go Laughing
"It took a pair of soft blue eyes, and a smile so sweet.. to make me reach up high, and really dig down deep.."




   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 5th 2011, 08:07 PM

They forgot to tell the thinking-of-it couple to poop in a paper towel and leave it behind the toilet for a month. Then clean the poo out of the bathroom and try to get the smell out. Welcome to potty training a 3 year old.

That smell never leaves. And no amount of Scentsy of Febreeze or bleach can get it out.


You never know how strong you can be
Until being strong is the only choice you have.
   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 8th 2011, 02:37 AM

this made me smile a bit


You can't live a positive life with a negative mind and if you have a positive outcome you have a positive income and just to have more positivity and just to kind of laugh it off. ~ Miley Cyrus




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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 19th 2011, 11:58 AM

I've seen this before; very funny. I've got to admit, my little sister is definitely as bad as some of these. xD


Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you - you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: The trip of a lifetime!
   
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Re: What to think about before you have children :) - December 19th 2011, 12:30 PM

lol...*goes to the supermarket*
   
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