Non-PG13 (Strong Language): I had an abortion. I'm an awful person. I need someone who understands.

[Dobs]

Hi, I'm Miranda. I had an abortion. I'm in grade ten, and totally not okay.
I'm angry at the guy who got me pregnant. I know it's my fault too, but I'm pissed at the fucking unfairness of my situation. He gets off easy! So fucking easy! His family doesn't know, his friends don't know, no one knows for him! Me? My family knows, my doctor knows, my friends know, my teachers know, both councillors of mine know! He didn't have to make the final fucking choice to end my pregnancy. I did. I had to be the one to make the choice. He didn't have to go to the fucking clinic, his life went on as normal, Me? Fuck, I had to feel the pain of the proceedure, sob afterwards, and deal with this fucking hell it rained down on my body. Him? He doesn't even talk to me anymore, he's okay. Me? I have to deal with what's left of our relationship every fucking day. I struggle. A lot. How the fuck am I suppost to be okay?!
Sometimes I used to think about suicide, then I realized I already made a choice so my life could be better, and by committing suicide it'd be making a mockery of my abortion.
I cut so I can feel alive, so I know I'm still here. Because I deserve the pain of the knife. It makes me feel okay for a little while, it makes everything go away for a little while.
I live off fucking pills. Ativan. Sleeping pills. Cough syrup. Advil. Tylonal. Anything really! Fuck I am just not okay!
I work my body till i'm about to puke, I make myself run harder and faster because I deserve the pain my muscles cause, and the endorphins after make the world fade away.

I honestly don't know how the fuck i'm suppost to cope. Not a fucking clue. This is consuming me. Making me feel like i'm already dead. I can't talk to anyone about this. I can only feel my fucking pain, anger, and sadness that seems to suffocate me at times.

Help.

[Revolution]

Hey Mandy,

I am so sorry about what has happened to you, and the way people have been treating you. This was your choice, and if they don't want to be supportive, they're not worth our time. At the state you are at, you are in no position to be raising a child. As much as it makes you feel terrible, bringing a child into this situation could have made things a lot more complicated. You are not an awful person-you made a mistake, and this mistake put you in a very difficult position of choice. This is your life. Don't live in regret, live a life that you can be happy with. Someday, when you're ready, be with somebody you love, and have a child with a life it deserves, rather than put int he middle of this mess.

Until this time, you should begin coping with what has happened and what is going on. I'm going to give you the Alternatives to Self Harm page, and I would really recommend you use these to be able to help you stay safe. If you need to talk to somebody, feel free to shoot me a message. There is also a great community of people who have dealt with abortions and still births who can help you grieve as well. You do not deserve pain, you do not deserve regret. Maybe it wasn't the choice you wanted in the end, but no way should you feel like you don't deserve to live. We're here for you!

[MacGuffin]

Unfortunately for women, until nature or the law or both figure something else out, it is the burden of women to bear the sins of men, motherhood being the most potent example. In today's society a boy has no obligation to help pay for the procedure or the counseling involved in an abortion procedure before and after it's done, nor does he have to be involved emotionally. Is it not fair? Sure. Does it suck? Sure does, pretty badly, too. But that's the way things are. And the more you sit and rail about how unfair it is without doing anything about it, the more upset and bitter and spiteful you are going to become. So if there is anything you take from this experience, let it be the will to take action against such a system so other girls do not have to go through the same thing as you.

However, I realize that right now you are a very angry, sad, upset, hurt, and scared person, and are in no place to try helping others until you can help yourself. So right now, I wouldn't really attempt anything but getting yourself better.

You made a really tough decision. REALLY tough, so don't short change yourself on that one. But like you said, you made the choice. YOU chose to get an abortion. Assuming there were no outside circumstances, which it doesn't sound like there were, you chose to do this so you could have a better life for yourself, and it's what you thought you needed to do. And I can only imagine how terrifying and how difficult that choice must have been. I can't say I know first hand, but I have had friends who went through with that decision and came out all twisted up on the inside afterwards.

It's important to understand why you FEEL like you are an awful person, because in truth you aren't. However, that doesn't really matter until you feel you aren't. So why do you feel so awful? Is it because you felt it morally wrong to get an abortion? Is it because you didn't realize until afterwards the magnitude of it? Is it because really you are just angry and pissed at him, but especially at yourself, for putting you in this situation? You rage at him and beat him up for all the ways he gets of easy, and there is probably some truth there, if not a lot, and your anger is valid. But could it be you are turning much of your inner anger towards him because of the consequences this has born for you, and because of how angry you are towards yourself for letting this happen?

I would really think of this. Because until you look at it, you will not make peace with it. You won't stop the pills, and you won't stop the cutting. Because I think you know that deep down that is not a lasting solution. Maybe you don't see it now, but I can tell you that there is going to come a day when you can't just run away any more, where you can't keep the emotions at bay. Pills and cutting are a quick fix. They won't save you from the things that torment your soul, though. They will, in fact, only make it worse, because then not only are you hating yourself for the abortion and everything surrounding it, you are hating yourself for resorting to the pills and cutting to feel better. It all piles on top of one another until one day something happens that you cannot take back, and then you are really fucked. And that's not a good place for anything to be.

But this doesn't have to consume you. You don't have to punish yourself for a sin you didn't commit. Could things have been done differently? Possibly. But they weren't, and it does nothing to beat yourself up about it until you can't even feel a will to live anymore.

So how's this for a game plan: find out why you are feeling the way you do, and really look at yourself to see if it's rational to be handling this like you are handling it and punishing yourself like you are. I would HIGHLY recommend doing this with one or both of your counselors. It may feel like you can't talk to them, but they might be really helpful, especially since they already know the situation. It can help to bounce ideas off them. And even if you can't, do it yourself. Be brutally honest about what's going on, because otherwise this won't work.

Next, make peace with the past. Was he an absolute ass? Yes. Was what happened unfair? Yes. But staying stuck in the past isn't going to help you. If only anything, you let his betrayal destroy you more if you continue to be broken over it. So make a stand. Get up and pick your life up. Show him, and yourself, that you can move on and be okay even after shit hits the fan. You can do it, if you put your heart into it. Start talking to friends again, get away from the self harm, start being more sociable and the like...do what you need to do!

Between these things, you can be on your way to make a recovery and processing what happened in therapy. But this will ONLY work if your heart is in it. I can't make you want to get better, and no one else can either. You have to do this when YOU feel ready to. And if you aren't ready, that's fine. But don't reject the help people give you; instead, wait until the time is right to use it.

By the way, my friend who had the abortion and was completely destroyed afterwards? She is a happy, well-adjusted young woman now, living her life to the fullest and making the most of her talents and relationships. She went through it and came out fine. I know you can, too.

Good luck to you, and may you find something akin to happiness in place of your pain. If you need anything, feel free to PM me any time.

[Squiggly]

Hey Miranda It really is unfair what you had to go through alone. It must be one of the hardest decisions a person would ever have to make. I personally would never get an abortion because I love kids so much and I know for sure I would feel at least as bad about it as you are now. But that doesn't mean that I completely disagree with the choice to abort depending on the person and their situation. For some people it is just the right choice. And yes you will feel the loss but making this choice doesn't make you a horrible person and feeling guilty about your choice just proves that your human. If you feel like you have made a mistake then you will know better next time but just try not to make yourself feel so horrible over this life goes on. I am just getting carried away saying whatever comes to mind and not knowing if what I am saying is making sense or helping but I read all the posts above and I agree with them on a lot of it.

[justme1119]

hate to break it to you but abortion is a woman's choice the guy who got you pregnant has nothing to do with that. So his involvement is voluntary. Nor should he be effected by your personal choice. People can only be who they are it does no good to hate them for that. You can't ask anything out of someone who does not have what you need.
with that being said I'm sorry for your pain maybe go to counseling that's what they're there for. I understand completely how it is with self-harm.

[blumemusik♫]

Originally Posted by justme1119

hate to break it to you but abortion is a woman's choice the guy who got you pregnant has nothing to do with that. So his involvement is voluntary. Nor should he be effected by your personal choice. People can only be who

Sorry, I disagree. If some guy got me pregnant, and didn't want me to abort it, as long as my health or the baby's health wasn't going to be affected, I wouldn't get the abortion. It is half his child, after all.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. The choice to abort must be one of the most difficult decisions to ever make. But you made the choice that suited you best, and allowed you to continue on with your life in the best way possible. And you should be proud of that. You're young, you couldn't handle a pregnancy, so you ended it. That's an INCREDIBLY strong thing to do. So remember, you ARE a strong person.

You've already got the Alternatives to Self Harm thread, and I strongly recommend you use some of those coping methods. Don't give up if the first one you try doesn't work - try a different one. You're so much better than self harm, you deserve more respect for yourself than that.

I really hope things get better for you soon, I'm only a VM/PM away if you need to chat<3

[justme1119]

yea legally abortion is a woman's choice. Unless it's changed to being the parents' choice you can't really get upset at him for exercizing his right to not involve himself in it.
I kind of am mainly saying you can't hate someone for being who they are. I used to be bitter and angry about this girl's choices in her life then I realized it did me no good to be angry. The anger did nothing to anyone but me. I still struggle with frustration but she is the way she's going to be. Whatever I feel about it won't change anything. You have to learn how to react and survive it not let the anger rule you. That's all I'm saying.

[Iris. ♥]

Awh, Miranda. I'm so sorry you had to go through this alone, and that you didn't have the support of the father when making such difficult choices. Unfortunately, boys rarely deal with the same consequences that women do, especially in teen pregnancies. They have the ability to walk away and pretend it never happened, while you have to bear the burden of making a tough choice. The fact that you were able to make such a difficult decision is admirable. Personally, I would have been a wreck trying to make that decision myself, and I probably would have made the wrong one.

As upset and guilty as you feel right now, you should be proud of yourself. You knew that you would not be able to handle taking care of a child, so you aborted the pregnancy. In a way, you also did what was best for that child. Bringing it into the world when you knew you would not be able to take care of it the way it deserved would have been unfair to the child. You saved it that pain. Also, you were looking after yourself, and you allowed yourself to follow through on the plan that would give you the best life possible.

You should definitely check out the link that Traci posted. Please try to stop damaging your body. It won't really help anything, and you deserve more than that. You have nothing to feel guilty for. So, don't let your choice destroy you, okay?

Stay strong, girl.

[MadPoet]

Hey Miranda,

I'm really sorry that this happened to you I can't even imagine how difficult it must be, and how much your life must have changed. I agree with you, it's definitely not fair that your ex got off so easily, and you have to deal with the aftermath of this for the rest of your life. But you know, did he really get off so easy? Who says that in ten years from now he won't feel the guilt, or something won't happen to him that makes him feel just as terrible as you do right now. I don't know about you, but I believe in karma, and I think he'll learn somehow that what he did to you was a mistake.

Please don't hate yourself for having an abortion. I know it's hard to look at this way, but now you can have a baby at the right time, and raise him/her with the life they deserve. You're going to find a guy who treats you like the beautiful person that you are, and treats your child the same. You might have to go through a lot of hardships and heartaches before you do, but in the end it will be worth it.

I'm here if you ever need to talk and I hope that you can work through this and feel better soon.

[dejaentendu0]

http://pregnancyoptions.info/emotional&spiritual.htm

I feel like I always post this whenever someone talks about abortion, I should know it by heart by now, but if you're having a hard time dealing with it, that's an excellent thing to help you sort out your feelings and work them out a bit. It might not help you - I can't guarantee it'll work for everyone, but it's worth a shot. It helped me a bit.

I want to start off by saying I know exactly how you feel. I know that sounds lame and you don't believe me, but the summer after my 10th grade year, I found out I was pregnant. Me and the father weren't together at the time - we were fighting. I had to text him and invite him out for coffee to 'talk'. He immediately asked if my mom knew. How he knew I was pregnant, I don't know. But he knew.
We ended up getting back together and we talked about options. He claimed he couldn't allow adoption - he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did that. And I agreed on being against it in our situation.
I ended up having a medical abortion a week before my junior year started. I did it at home without him there and it was the most painful thing I can honestly say I experienced - both physically and emotionally. After it all happened, I went through the same things you're going through. I hated myself. I wanted to die. I thought about doing drugs - whatever would make me feel better by me forgetting. My two 'best friends' that I had told ended up telling everyone they knew and I was having people text me and ask me if I was pregnant - which was the worst because I wasn't; I had already given him up.
The father ended up leaving me because he subconsciously resents me for doing it. He's not fine - he's depressed and has anxiety issues, but I was in your shoes as well. Everyone knew I had done it. I had choose to follow through with the abortion. My friends knew, my family knew, my school knew... I had to go to school and have people stare and pretend I didn't notice. Depression and anxiety took over my life - I got panic attacks and couldn't be around children...

I tell you this solely so you get an idea of knowing I understand. That's not my whole story - I won't give you all of that. But I get your feelings and they're perfectly normal.
It took me a long time to accept what I did and come to peace with it. I hated the father for... I don't know what, honestly. But I hated him regardless of a cause.

It's hard, it really is. And it'll take you awhile to be okay with it. What you have to realize is, the people that know, don't matter. They have no right to judgment. Don't bare them any mind. And as much as you can dislike what you did, you have to remind yourself that at the time you had to make the decision, it was the best for you. You had your reasons for it - whatever they may be. Remind yourself of those and realize that where you are in life right now, right this moment, that was the best decision you could make.
And use those reasons to make it worth something. I know, with me, when I think about it a lot and start getting upset, I remind myself why I did it: I was only 16; I wouldn't be able to give my child the life it deserved, I probably wouldn't have gone to college, etc. And I use that to push for improving these for when I do have children one day.

And there's ways of remembering your child and easing the pain that helped me that may be useful to you, some of which are:
- Give your child a name. It's a lot more personal and real then. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I swore up and down that I was going to have a boy; I knew it was a boy. After the abortion, I ended up talking to the father before we broke up and told him that I had named him; James. I didn't think it'd help, but it did a little.
- Write/talk to your child. Right before I went through the abortion, I wrote a letter to him and apologized, explained why I was doing it, etc. I still go back and read it from time to time. I also will just talk sometimes, to him. It's comforting.
- Celebrate what would have been his/her due date. Say a few silent words, light a candle, or something small like that.
- Make something as a remembrance. I had given the father the only ultrasound I had of our kid, and for the life of me, I could never get it back or even see it after we eventually split up. I ended up going pretty 'drastic', I guess, in this one, but I got a tattoo to remember him by - I have on each wrist, a baby sleeping; one an angel and one a devil, because I don't know which he'd have been. They're in white ink and only really visible if I SHOW someone the tattoos and therefore really personal. I love them.

It also wouldn't do anything but help if you looked into post abortion counseling of some type. I eventually got my ex boyfriend to do counseling and awhile he's making slow progress, it's progress nonetheless. I also have done some counseling. You can do one on ones with a therapist (some are trained IN post abortion support) or, if a place around you offers it, you can do group therapy and meet with other women who are going through the same things you are. It actually does help. Abortion is a hard thing and I strongly believe women that go through this need people to talk to about it.
I know talking to someone about it when it first happened with me would have helped me greatly.

You'll get through it and be fine. You're not an awful person. You made the best decision you could at the time you had to make it. Don't forget that. Forgive yourself. Holding on and hating yourself won't allow you to move on. That's something hard I had to learn.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to, definitely. <3