I feel like an idiot slut and a bad mom!! (rant sorry)

[pregnantandlost11]

well my life hadn't gotten really better until November. I got into rehab and quit using. By mid-December, I had gotten my own studio and and have a job. I wanted to go to school. There was only 1 issue. After I had Ashton I was still addicted. I risked getting pregnant and catching stds just to get high. Well that was September. Now it's January. I found out in mid-december that I'm pregnant. I'm 17 weeks tomorrow. And I don't even know who the dad is. And even if I did I'd never be able to contact half the possibilities. Also my son just got out of the hospital he was born prematurely. So premature I didn't think he'd make it but I guess technology's come a long way. That's the one miracle it seems I had last year. Ashton his existence in so many ways is a blessing. I feel so unworthy of him. I hate myself because it seems like just when I think of doing something to better my life the past just comes back to kick me in the ass. I remember just last year this time I had been trying to quit everything and I did until april when I got pregnant then from there I hit rock bottom. I'm obviously putting this one up for adoption more it's no way I can take of 2 kids under 1 at 18. I feel like an idiot to get myself in this situation last year today I'd never have thought I'd be where I am now. With 2 kids from two different dads and no closer to finishing school no one to talk to to understand I don't even understand it myself a dead end job and live at a dump with a child with health issues. I feel like my adult years are cursed and that it's like not going to get better because I get better and here I am pregnant again. I feel like a slut because if I weren't I wouldn't be in this situation. I feel like a failure to ashton because of all the fucked up choices I made and he's not even 4 months yet. I feel like a failure in anything I do and a loser like I almost wish maybe someone else could do better than I can because I'm really fucking up no matter what I do it seems...

[Aletheia*]

You're not a slut or a bad mom. We've all made choices that aren't very good for us in the past. It's a part of growing up, and learning from our own mistakes. The great part about this is that you're working, and living on your own to care for your son. You went through rehabilitation to get yourself better, and that's a HUGE step to take. One that many young people wouldn't go through to better themselves.

If you're struggling with THAT part of yourself, continue going to counseling or to meetings to surround yourself with people who have been through the same thing. Those struggling to get passed their addictions, people who are recovered. There are plenty of meetings to choose from, so do a general search on the computer to try to find the locations of these meetings, and attend one to see what it's like. If it isn't for you, make Ashton the reason why you don't continue to use. Not only would you be putting yourself at risk if you relapsed, you'd be putting your son at risk as well.

Now, don't feel like a bad mom. We've all made mistakes, and it's great that you want to give this new baby a better life. Make sure you really think about all of your options before making a rash decision. However, it adoption is what you really want to do, make sure you pick the BEST family for your new baby. You could choose to do a closed or an open adoption. They are pretty self-explanatory, but a closed adoption means you have no contact with the child until the child decides to find you, whether that be once they hit legal age at 18, or with their parents permission to find you before then. An open adoption is where you'll have contact with the child and their adoptive parents, with letter updates, photo updates and maybe even visitation. Choose whichever one you'd like.

I hope this helped. And, I wish you only the best of luck. If you ever feel down, please feel free to PM (private message) just by clicking on my user name there on the left. I've been in your shoes before, as far as addiction goes.

Take care of yourself.

[pregnantandlost11]

I am not using and don't feel more inclined to. Just feel like I've really messed up and upset at myself but I haven't used for that.
I really only have 2 options really this is better choice. Idk if I I want them to know me I feel a bit like ashamed if they ever want to know why but I guess by then it wouldn't be so bad idk. At the same time I know I'd want an open adoption really....

[Aletheia*]

If adoption is the best option for you, you don't have to disclose any information about yourself that isn't necessary. You'll get a chance to choose the family, and get to know them before you have the baby that way you can make sure they're a suitable choice for the child. That doesn't mean you need to tell them every aspect and detail of your life. You can pick and choose what they know about you. An open adoption is a great choice if you'd like to stay in contact with them, and with your baby. Just make sure to explain to the adoption agent you'd like to look through families that are willing to do open adoptions.

[msfsteven]

Not a failure. Not a slut.
GOOD MOM for the fact that you care.
Think of all the things that have held you back.
Not everything is your fault, and you're just a teenager.
Give yourself a break, and just strive to become a better mother.

[escape_thereal_world]

Definitely not a bad mom. You are making GOOD choices to help yourself and your children. You've messed up in the past...You're human. Everyone makes mistakes. I've seen people who are heavy into drug use, have a baby on drugs, continue on drugs, and get their children taken away. Why? Because they were using drugs? Partly. But mostly because they didn't care about their kids and didn't TRY.

YOU are TRYING. That's great!

If adoption is best for you and the child, then that's fine. Shannon said everything I could think of. Also, if you do Open Adoption, signing a contract or agreement and having a copy is always a good thing to have. Otherwise the adoptive parents can decide not to let you see the child for any reason. So, having a copy of the contract/agreement can prevent that from happening.

Also, two kids under 1 at 18 isn't ideal, but it doesn't mean it's horrible. A family member was 19 when she had 2 kids under 1. She may not have the ideal life, but she loves her kids, has a house, two jobs, and still spends lots of time with them. They are both very happy children.

Don't give up on yourself. You are doing great. Seriously. You are trying and are doing a great job doing it, so don't feel like you're a slut or not worthy of your children.

You are making large strides to better yourself for you and your family.

[Tiger eyeshade]

I don't think you are either everyone makes a few mistakes in life and they aren't wory beating yoursd over