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-   -   Wow I am so confused about myself (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f8-lgbt-sexuality-gender-identity/t120648-wow-i-am-so-confused-about-myself/)

TheQuietGirl June 21st 2013 10:45 PM

Wow I am so confused about myself
So I grew up just assuming I was straight. I thought guys were handsome, I had a boyfriend or two, but I was never really happy. I'm not thrilled by the whole idea of sex, and penises are just weird in my opinion..

I recently was like "alright, I'm probably bi. Girls are adorable and having a relationship would be awesome, but guys are still cute. And I can end up being with a guy in the end because that is easier and expected of me." I have three straight sisters, I feel very stressed about being the only lesbian one.

But lately, I'm like "wow I really want a girlfriend" and the difference between male and female relationships is so grande, I seem to prefer girls. I told my friend, a gay guy, and he named a bunch of male celebrities I love and said since I still find them attractive, I'm still bi.

But I also worked at a horse breeding farm, and I know what qualities put together an attractive horse. If I can find a horse attractive, am I now suddenly into bestiality?

Romantically, I feel like I'd be able to get closer to a girl than I ever could with a guy. But I know that it'd just be easier if I'd be with a guy, even though I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy at all or at least not as happy as I would be with a girl.

I'm just.. so confused and this gay guy is throwing me off because yeah, some guys are cute, but it's not like I'm like "I would date you" or "get in my bed." It is all "you are talented and have a nice face." :(

Avaleine June 21st 2013 11:44 PM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
If you feel like you would be happiest with a girl, then please be with a girl rather than a guy, unless you meet the most perfect guy ever. I don't think sexuality is something that is set in stone. I think it is kind of fluid. I know someone who identifies as a lesbian, but still finds a few men attractive. Don't worry too much about labeling it. It's just a name, and if you find someone you love, what you choose to call your love will probably be pretty insignificant. Don't feel stressed about being the only lesbian out of your sisters. That's like being stressed about being the only one with blue eyes, or the only one who likes mushroom pizza. It's not a big deal, just the way you are. :)

Rivière June 22nd 2013 12:34 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Sexuality is something you'll explore as you grow, the more you grow up, it grows up with you. The more we try and figure something out the hard it gets. I understand that you may want answers in what 'label' you are but allow time to decide that.

There are also many different levels of bisexuality, if you decide you want to be known as that. A person can find the opposite sex to look cute but have no further feelings than that for them and find the same sex to be completely and utterly attractive, equally as much as a person can find both sexes to be equally attractive. :)

TheQuietGirl June 22nd 2013 01:24 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Thank you guys :) I guess what is making it fuzzy to me is that I know I can be with a guy to fit in with my sisters. I'm pretty certain I can put up with it (except maybe not sexually...), I just am positive I would not be happiest.

Rivière June 22nd 2013 01:48 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
You shouldn't be with a guy to fit in, you should be with a guy because you're happy with them. It'll also be difficult for you later on in the relationship because they'll be under the belief you're happy in the relationship when you're not. If you're also feeling like you're not able to deal with a relationship that could turn sexual then you may have a problem because with a lot of people, sex is an important part of a relationship, without the love-making, it may be difficult to express a certain way of love.

TheQuietGirl June 22nd 2013 02:10 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Yeah, I mean sexually with a guy. I don't know, with a guy I just get really nervous and it's not fun for me in the slightest. I don't know if it's because my ex tried to force it on me, but I just don't find being with a guy fun at all.

Avaleine June 22nd 2013 02:11 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Please don't be with a guy just to 'fit in'. Do what makes you happiest.

ElsatheDepressionSlayer June 22nd 2013 04:41 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
My sexuality is really similar to yours. Sometimes I call myself gay, sometimes I call myself bi. (My friend even coined the term gay-i for me. XD) My point is you don't have to fit into a label, and no one else can tell you what your sexuality is. You define who you are, and even if your friend would call you bi, if you feel like lesbian fits better, then that's totally fine. And, as Avaleine said, please don't date a guy just because you feel a need to fit in. Your relationship(s) should be for you, not for other people. Do what makes you happiest.

TheQuietGirl June 25th 2013 04:05 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Thank you so much guys. I just wish I could be straight and be happy, because I'm afraid that some part of my brain is faking this (does that make sense? I don't know, my mum used to say I did things for attention so what if that's what I'm doing?).

ElsatheDepressionSlayer June 25th 2013 04:53 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
It's hard that we are constantly told that straight is normal, and anything else isn't. But if you aren't straight, pretending to be will only make you miserable. It's really hard, but learning to accept this part of who you are is important. And considering how conflicted you are about this, I highly doubt you're doing it for attention.

Rain~ June 28th 2013 09:09 PM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Go with what your heart tells you. What people think doesn't really matter, it'll only make break your heart if you do things like this to show other people you're 'normal'. But if it wasn't normal then there wouldn't be hundreds thousands of people who associate as being gay/lesbian. Just go with what you feel. (This does not apply to life threatening acts or anything that may harm anything else that is living xD)

Have a nice day.

Emileenicolee July 1st 2013 07:14 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Sexuality is always fluid so I wouldn't worry about the label too much. Anyone who is overly concerned with labeling probably isn't a very nice person in the first place, right?
So date who you like and who you feel a connection to. :)

Asteria Polemoi July 2nd 2013 03:45 AM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Hi there, I'd like to put in my own thoughts.

I spend a lot of time on AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) because I'm an aromantic asexual. I have learned so, so much on there and I'd like to share some of it with you in hopes of helping.

There are a lot of different forms of attraction. I can tell you four of them right off the bat: aesthetic, sensual, romantic, and sexual. Aesthetic attraction is thinking somebody is pretty. Sensual attraction is wanting to touch somebody. Romantic attraction is wanting to be in a romantic relationship with somebody. Sexual attraction is wanting to have sex.

To really explain these, I'll create a scenario.

Let's say I'm a cisgendered female (in case you're unfamiliar with the term, I was born a girl and identify as a girl). I have just met a man on the street named Robert. At first I think Robert's really, really attractive. He's very nice to look at and reminds me of my favorite movie stars. That would be aesthetic attraction.

After talking to Robert for a few months, he's always on my mind all the time. I crave to be with him and share my life with him. I want him to be close to me. Thinking of him gives me butterflies and I just can't seem to breathe or speak when I'm around him. I want him to be my boyfriend. That's romantic attraction.

Robert and I start dating. I really, really want to touch him all the time. I hold his hand wherever we go and I love cuddling with him on the couch at nights. I try to sneak a kiss in different places and for the rest of the time I just enjoy hugging him. That's sensual attraction.

We've been dating for quite some time now and I finally can't deny my other feelings. With each day, my craving for him grows more and more. I finally give in and have sex with him. I've been wanting to have sex with him for quite some time now. That's sexual attraction.

People tend to mix up all four of these attractions. All four! They're very, very different.

We all know about sexual orientations, but romantic orientations are something that many people don't know about. Sexual orientations is what genders you would have sex with, while romantic orientations are what genders you would date. For example, while maybe somebody would just have sex with cisgendered males, they might date cisgendered males and females. In that case, they would be a biromantic heterosexual.

Society has this warped thought that if you're dating somebody, you must be having sex when that is not the case. You can be a panromantic asexual, which would mean you would be in a romantic relationship with anybody of any gender but not have sex with anyone because you're not sexually attracted.

From what it sounds like, you could be biromantic, but it really sounds like you're a homoromantic. I don't know about your sexual orientation; if you would have sex with girls as well, then you're a homoromantic homosexual.

As for thinking guys are cute, you're just aesthetically attracted to them, which is NOT the same thing as being romantically or sexually attracted to them.

I really hope this helps. :)

TheQuietGirl July 2nd 2013 03:34 PM

Re: Wow I am so confused about myself
Thank you guys so much! That was super duper helpful, all of you!!

Something that is causing doubts for me is that I have a best friend (guy) and I love him lots. Him and I are super close, but I am *not* sexually attracted to him. Cuddling would be cool, but that's it.

I've been realising I'm not into relationships with guys. Any time I have the "opportunity" (like a guy likes me) I'm like "no thanks, not for me at all" but then this guy walks in and I'm like "why aren't you are a girl asdjklfa this isn't fair."

Is that a normal thing? My other friend told me that I just like his personality and that if I find it in a girl everything will be clearer. Because now I'm like "okay I'm close to this guy, I can *totally* get by with others."

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