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LGBT, Sexuality and Gender Identity Whether you're LGBT, questioning, have gender identity issues, or have entirely unrelated feelings, this forum is here to help.

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Sexuality confusion. - December 20th 2013, 03:30 AM

Hi lovelies!

Before I say anything, I do want to mention that I know that my sexuality is something that will become clearer over time. I also know that it is perfectly fine to not label myself right now, and I actually DONíT label myself at this given moment. I just want to ramble a little bit and maybe get some opinions as to what you all think. Of course, I know that nobody can be 100% accurate with their opinions, but it may be nice to know what people think, whether itís from their own experience or just an opinion.

Iíve toyed with a lot of labels over the past six or so years. For a while I thought bisexual, for a while lesbian, for a while maybe something in between. Currently, I still do not know exactly what label I am. I say I have a preference for women and maybe I do, itís just very slight.

The reason why I say that I have more of a preference for women is because when it comes to cute guys and cute girls, I am more likely to notice that a girl is more attractive than a guy. Just today someone asked me to rate how cute some guy was and I was sitting there like ďIím the wrong person to askÖĒ and when she asked for a number, I was like ďSeven, maybe?Ē I guess he did have some cute features. Or if someone shows me a guy and is like ďHeís so hotĒ I sit there like ďÖYeah?Ē With girls itís at least a bit easier for me to say theyíre attractive. But yeah, there are guys I do find attractive, but those guys are mainly celebrities or guys in real life that are cute, but not cute enough to do anything about.

But do they stand out to the point where they really amaze me? Not normally. I mean, I do have my celebrities that I find hot, yada yada. But, when it comes to attractive people in real life, when it comes to guys, I donít care about meeting them, but with girls, itís more of an ďOh, sheís really pretty. I like X about her, I want to talk to her.Ē And by ďtalkĒ I donít mean anything romantic. I mean, compliment her and if sheís nice, maybe make friends with her.

Iíve had crushes before, but a lot of them fade quickly. Of course, there are the simple elementary school crushes. I did have a crush on a person who used to go to my school for a while, but the attraction faded fairly quickly, both because I wasnít allowed to date at the time and just because it naturally faded. It was more of freshman year I noticed this person from afar and found him attractive but was too scared to talk to him, then met him sophomore year and it lasted for a while longer and faded. Iíve had crushes on girls too that have faded quickly, and one strong one but Iím not pursuing it for reasons. I also have gotten basically confused into liking people before. Basically, there was this guy that everyone was pressuring me into dating, and they were pressuring him into dating me, including my own family. I started really questioning my feelings for him and feeling scared that I liked him when in reality it was just from the pressure and itís nothing more than platonic. So basically, my crushes are few and far between, and when they happen, they donít normally last. It got to the point when my mom actually asked me maybe a few weeks ago when Iím going to start liking people.

I donít really see myself getting married one day, or having children. As far as relationships go, I guess one would be nice but I really donít care if one comes my way or not. I do get sexually aroused, masturbate, and watch various types of porn, but right now in my life thereís nobody I can imagine doing anything like that with. Sometimes just the thought of people touching me skeeves me out. Iím not saying it repulses me, but I canít imagine holding hands with someone or kissing them, let alone anything more. Iím not even a hugger. There are only a few people that I like hugging me, but even then itís not something I want to happen often, just every once in a while. I donít hug back and just find hugs very awkward, and even my sister and mom pointed me out once that I donít really put any effort into my hugs. So, just affectionate things, even as friends, skeeve me out a lot. The only thing I really donít care much about is when people play with my hair.

I know this probably has nothing to do with anything but I guess I donít wear clothes that show off my figure or anything either because when I went to a wedding, I wore something more form-fitting and my mom was saying how I should wear more outfits like that because it shows off my figure, and I guess my dad was even sort of stunned at the figure I have. I just donít see it.

It doesnít help that the only people who have ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me have been pretty desperate.

But, since Iíve toyed with labels a lot, Iíve got my friends to think I am a certain way. Many of them know that I like women, and my friend basically calls me ďbi but more towards the lesbian side of biĒ but they donít know how my attraction really works. So I guess Iíll have to train them to think another way.

It also was annoying because I wanted to come out sometime in the next few years since Iíll be living in a dorm, but Iím not going to sit there saying ďSo, Iím not straight but I donít have a labelĒ and try and figure out how to explain things to people.

Iím not in a huge rush to find anything out and Iím nowhere near as stressed as I was just maybe two years ago over this, but Iíd still like to start figuring things out.

So, I guess opinions would be nice. I guess the main thing I want opinions on is my orientation, BUT, if you have opinions, questions, or comments on anything else, label-related or not, please feel free to let me know.

Anyway, I really need to sleep so Iíll end this long post now. Night, all, and thanks in advance!

-Dez


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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 20th 2013, 04:20 PM

I noticed that you wrote a lot about physical attraction but nothing much on the romantic side of the field with either sex. Have you thought much on it? How do you feel about being romantically attracted to a girl or a guy? It can often be hard to differentiate between one sexuality and another but really there is no set, specific label. Personally I find that I like girls sexually and romantically but I can like a guy if his personality is nice. A lot of people would tend to define that as being bisexual but because I have this huge, strong attraction to females and almost nothing towards guys I much prefer to say to people I'm a lesbian. This is also because I know personally that I couldn't really hold a relationship with a guy for very long. Labels give people certain impressions about us. If we tell people we're straight, we attract a more straight crowd, if we're gay we attract a more gay/bisexual crowd and the same goes for being bisexual. Besides the whole strongly attracted to girls almost nothing for guys thing, I know I wouldn't want to give guys the wrong impression. If I labelled myself as bisexual then it sends them a signal that there's at least a chance for me to be with them and this isn't what I'd want, hence my chosen label.

The question is, besides what you've explained about not being very interested in being touched and your current lack of interest in being in a relationship, how would you consider yourself? Do you feel that you're capable of being in a relationship with girls and guys romantically and/or sexually? Do you feel that you'd want to be in a relationship with someone because of their physical anatomy or their personality?

Like me some people can be romantically and sexually attracted to one sex while only be romantically or sexually attracted to the other sex and some prefer to label themselves as one thing because they don't feel capable of being in a relationship with a specific sex.

Remember though that whatever label you choose it doesn't exactly make it set in stone. Despite telling people I was gay I ended up being in a relationship with a guy for nearly 3 years because he had a great personality, not because of his looks. Whatever label you end up choosing, it doesn't stop you from being with a specific sex. It's just about what you feel the most comfortable with titling yourself.


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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 20th 2013, 04:37 PM

Thanks so much for your answer! I appreciate it.

As far as romantic attraction, it seems that my strong crushes are few and far between. I've only had one that I could call serious, but even then it's something that I don't act upon. A relationship isn't a priority for me. If I get one, that's nice, but if not, I am not going to be going out and actively searching for one and I'm not going to get too worked up over it. I can see myself being happy without a relationship as long as I still have people around me in other ways. Most of my "crushes" besides the one serious one have faded quickly or been things that I know I wouldn't act upon anyway, and I'm glad I never did. Even those small "crushes" have been basically limited to what I mentioned above, one person who I saw and found cute but after meeting them the attraction faded, and one person that I was confused about due to family and friends.

So, I guess while CAPABLE of being in a relationship with someone, it's not something I really want strongly enough to actually go out and pursue if that makes any sense? I mean, it'd be nice if I started dating someone I'm interested in, but at this point when I've never really been hugely interested in anyone and don't care to put myself out there, it's probably not going to happen soon.


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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 20th 2013, 06:45 PM

Some people just go with how they feel where they're capable of being in a relationship with someone when the time is right for them, like a sort of pansexuality but not quite. This may be similar for you as with what you've said, you're not interested in being in a relationship, if you met someone who you weren't pressured into liking etc but just generally met them, got to know them and liked them for [i]who[i] they are regardless of their sex, and you really liked their personality because it ticks all your boxes then you may want to be with them. Sometimes things aren't necessarily limited to a person's sex in general but other things like personality and their general overall being as a person.


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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 20th 2013, 06:55 PM

Yeah, I think you're right. I don't think that I'd limit myself on sex (I've heard of the term "panromantic" before), I just don't actually develop feelings for someone easily. I guess there are just people I want to sort of talk to or learn about more than others though I'd not necessarily call it attraction?

I'm definitely capable of being in a relationship with any gender identity though. It probably just takes me a lot more to be attracted to someone since I don't really experience it often.


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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 27th 2013, 07:18 AM

I guess another thing I thought of is how I can sort of get "hooked" on people if that makes sense. I get people sometimes that I just find really interesting and want to talk to and get to know more but I get too nervous to do anything.

Like there is a person I met at an event. Zhe is really interesting and cool and I think they are someone I would enjoy talking to. I have seen zhim at maybe two events and at the last one that was on Thursday, I worked up the nerve to ask a question on something zhe said in the group discussion. Zhe seemed really nice from that even though I guess I can't judge someone based off answering a question. Zhe seemed cool during the discussions too.

So I kept wanting to add zhim on Facebook but was scared zhe would reject my request. Zhe accepted so maybe I will start liking and commenting on things. But zhe has been on my mind like all week.

I don't know if it means anything or not though. I tend to overthink but I think this has happened before.


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Last edited by Melancholia.; December 29th 2013 at 12:25 AM.
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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 29th 2013, 12:15 AM

I think sometimes when you're chatting to someone who seems really interesting, you're going to want to talk to them some more because, well, they're interesting! As for being nervous, it's natural because sometimes like everyone, you're going to worry about what they think of you. Other aspects have to be considered such as whether or not you're a naturally sociable person or if there's an underlying attraction because of his personality. It can however, be easy to confuse being interested in someone for who they are and for their personality with being interested in them because inside you feel attracted towards them.


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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 29th 2013, 12:22 AM

I'm not an incredibly naturally social person. I mean, I DO talk to people and will approach someone if I know them, but it's normally kind of scary for me to approach people, especially if I approach them alone rather than with having a friend with me.


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Re: Sexuality confusion. - December 29th 2013, 12:25 AM

The way I see it is that you just think this guy is a really nice person but because you're not overly social, it makes you nervous talking to someone you find interesting and this may be where your confusion is coming from causing you to question what it could be when it's just a general interest in a person.


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