How do I tell my parents about my girlfriend?

[Gingerspice]

I am in a long distance relationship with a girl who I can see going the distance with. She's. . . Virtually the love of my life, and I can't picture it without her at the moment. I look into the future, and I see her. And, mind you, we're not completely separated by distance. . . We're three hours and one state away and we'll have the opportunity to meet this summer.

However, my mother doesn't know about us - - And she's big on internet safety. When it comes down to it. . . I'm sure my mom suspects I chat with people online. It's the internet and I'm a teenager, right? My older brother picked up girls on aim when he was like 13, and that was like. . . Ten years back. So she knows that internet flirtation is legit, she's not totally naive, and she's on a few forums herself.

But, I don't think she knows how far that goes with me? I doubt she would understand, or really accept the fact that I've fallen for a girl I've never met. . . And she'd be concerned, concerned that she wasn't "real" and perhaps even angry at me for getting so close to somebody who I can't physically be with. I don't know what she would do, but I do fear that she would take my computer away? Make us break up? Yell?

And also. . .

While I'm out to her as a lesbian, I came out two years ago and we've never talked about it since. I honestly wonder if she even thinks that I still am that way since it's never been mentioned.

Advice?

[Ennui.]

Hey there,

I think that if anything you should sit down with your parents on a day when they are in a relatively good mood. I know that she may end up getting angry, but at least she'll be in a good mood to start with so maybe it won't be as extreme. You'll have to be honest with her, but it also may take some explaining, too. For example, you can let your parents know that you really do like this girl and you can't imagine your life without her, but since she was met online, they may ask you to explain how well you know her or how the two of you ended up meeting. Either way, you are going to have to just end up being honest and up front about it.

I think the other option you'd have is to just tell them through the form of a letter, so at least they'd have time to process their thoughts before coming to you. I think you should still mention some of the key things I said above, only this would allow things to get out without nerves or interruptions getting in the way.

Maybe you can also explain that you gave it time to build up trust with this girl (I'm assuming) before anything happened.

But, honesty is the best policy here since it seems that they may be a little confused or unsure of the situation. You definitely don't want to leave them with any more confusion.

Remain calm, no matter what. Even if they yell, stay calm, because arguing won't help the situation.

If it helps you, do you think that you would be able to convince your mom to meet this girl? If you have Skype, for example, maybe you can set up a webcam chat where the two of them talk, or at the very least maybe you can arrange a phone call where your mom talks to her that way.

Perhaps you can find some other way of talking to your girlfriend, just in case, though, even if it's just letter writing or text messaging, it's still a start.

-Dez

[Rivière]

As your mum's on a few forums herself she'll understand that there is the possibility of connecting with people who're not physically with you. She'll have bumped into people where she doesn't like them or she'll really get on with them and it was all down to font and text that she made those judgements. It's equally the same for you, you got to know someone through font and text, maybe even voice chat or actually seeing each other via Skype and from that, and through your online experiences together, you've both become close. This is something you can impress on your mum when you feel you're ready to talk to her. Another thing to bear in mind is that year almost 18, this means you're classed as an adult, this also means that if you do choose to meet up with your girlfriend it won't be up to your mum to stop you because, well, she's can't, you're over age and there's nothing she can do about it except express her dislike in the idea of you meeting someone from the internet.

If your mum already suspects you chat to people online, see how aware of this she is by actually asking her. Questions lead to a better understanding and from that, you'll understand just how much your mum is aware of what you're doing and this can help prompt the next set of questions. Dez made a really good suggestion of seeing if your mum could chat to your girlfriend and this could be the next set of questions you ask your mum, ask her if she'd like to talk to one of your 'friends' online and see how she gets along with them, let your mum get a 'feel' for your girlfriend and build up some trust. Putting myself in the shoes of a parent for a moment, I don't think I'd want my child to go meeting up with anyone, let alone someone from the internet, without actually having met them or knowing more about them first. Let your mum and your girlfriend get to know each other a bit first and see how things take off. If your mum gets to like your girlfriend you can explain to her that you're both in a long-distance relationship and see if it'd be ok for you to meet. If not, there's always the option of waiting until you're 18 and meeting regardless.

[nothereanymore]

Hey there,

I agree with what Dez and Sarah said, and I wanted to emphasize on remembering to stay calm no matter how your parents react. Your mom should know about connecting with people online, as Sarah mentioned, and if she's not naive, I would think something like this wouldn't seem completely out of the ordinary for her. The fact that your brother picked up people online a decade ago might not be in your favor when you do tell her, but maybe you could tell her that you know it's different, you're not being careless and that you're not just picking up this girl, you do actually love her.

I also agree that maybe writing a letter might be more effective than sitting down and talking, although eventually you will have to do that. Maybe to warm them up to see how they might react, casually ask them if they know anyone who's in an online relationship, a long distance relationship, or their opinion on either. Sort of testing the waters, so to speak.

Whatever happens, we're here for you, and as has been said, don't get too discouraged, because you are almost 18. I hate to say it like that, but that is to your advantage.

[Lamia]

Hey there! Others have already given you really good advice, but I did just want to add that even if your mother is angry, that doesn't necessarily mean the end of the world. Perhaps, after telling your mom, it would be a good idea to have your mom sit down and meet this girl (I'm assuming you skype or use some form of video chat.) as this could help your mom if she has fears that your girlfriend isn't real or just some "creep on the internet"

It's definitely a tricky situation, but I think your mom is actually more likely than most to handle it well, from what you've told us.

It might be a good idea to not do this all at once, too. You could start by talking more about you being a lesbian, so that she remembers and is used to that by the time you introduce her to your girlfriend. It might be a bit much to tell her "Hey mom, I'm a lesbian, and have you met my long distance girlfriend?"

I hope that this goes well for you, and know that we'll be here to advise and support you, no matter how it goes