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Unhappy Polyamoury - May 14th 2014, 04:11 PM

** I didn't know where else to post this, not specifically LGBT **

I have always been very attracted to men (i am a girl) and for a good number of years mostly older men (2-8 years older) I now have a sole boyfriend but a few months ago I started grappling with the idea that I may not be strictly monogamous. I had a friend with whom I shared mutual feelings of attraction (primarily physical) he and I both wanted more than just friends but I couldn't because of my current predicament. I never didn't want my boyfriend, I just wanted something a little different every once in a while. My love for my friend never diminished the love I felt for my bf, but both my friend and I got frustrated with our partners' strict monogamous views that prohibited us from furthering our relationship. Now i am in a 10 month relationship with said bf and that friend and I are no longer on speaking terms.


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Re: Polyamoury - May 14th 2014, 05:16 PM

Hey there,

I think that you need to think about what you want out of a relationship. Is a monogamous relationship something that you want, and will you feel happy if you continue to stay in a relationship with your current boyfriend? If you feel as if you are unhappy with your current boyfriend, you have a few options. For example, you can always discuss the option of polyamoury with him and see what he says, or if you feel as if you would rather break it off with him, you can always do that, but try and be as honest as possible. If you break it off, you can always talk with your friend again and see what he says, but either way, there will still be a possibility of finding someone who will be willing to enter a polyamorous relationship with someone.

So it all comes down to finding someone that you are happy with and making the decision that you are happiest with in the long-run. You said that you have been dating this guy for ten months, but if you feel as if he's not right for you, that's still okay!


   
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Re: Polyamoury - May 14th 2014, 07:45 PM

I guess it's totally fine for someone to be polygamous, as long as everyone involved is okay with that. Because you've chosen to date someone who isn't, then there isn't really much you can do to do your polygamous business. You need to find yourself a partner who shares your views, otherwise you're always going to be stuck like this.

Maybe this is just a way for your brain to tell you that you no longer want to be dating this guy, and you'd rather be dating other people. Talk it over with your boyfriend, let him know how you feel and then you can decide what to do next.



   
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Re: Polyamoury - May 15th 2014, 02:20 AM

Having a partner whose relationship views match yours is incredibly important. Speaking as a non-monogamous person, one of the most important things, maybe even THE most important thing, is to be with a partner who agrees with your views of monogamy vs. non-monogamy.

I differentiate polyamory from non-monogamy here in that non-monogamy is an umbrella term, whereas polyamory refers specifically to multiple romantic relationships. It sounds like you feel you are non-monogamous; you have the ability to be with more than one person at a time without it diminishing your other relationship(s). That is awesome and there is nothing wrong with that. What becomes wrong with it is when your partner doesn't know you are non-monogamous and is living a monogamous lifestyle with you believing that is perfectly okay with you when it isn't.

Non-monogamy can have any configuration you can imagine. This includes "mono-polies," or relationships where one person is monogamous and the other is non-monogamous. Heck, even non-monogamous people may go for years content with only one partner. Both of these situations are perfectly normal, but in both of them everyone is one the same page: they know that their partner(s) is non-monogamous. If one partner believes in non-monogamy and the other doesn't, there is no way that non-monogamous partner will ever be happy with their monogamous partner. They will always feel limited or stifled.

You say that you and your friend got "frustrated" with your partners' "strict monogamous" views. My question for you is if that was the case, why did you not end your relationships with your respective partners? If you two are non-monogamous and know your partners are strictly monogamous, why would you stay with them when your basic relationship beliefs are so different? They could never truly be satisfying relationships in the end because you can't be yourselves in them. I understand that it's scary to lose someone you care about a lot, but if you and your partner are that misaligned it may be best that you aren't with that person. I'm going to venture and say that it wasn't your partners' views that kept you from exploring a relationship; it was you guys' decision to stay with those partners when you knew there were incompatibilities. This is a situation of your own creation, not one of your boyfriend's.

I would suggest doing some serious thinking about why you stay with your boyfriend if you know you can't truly be yourself with him. What do you get out of that relationship that's worth the price of not exploring what makes you feel happier and more comfortable? These are things to consider. Is this relationship worth the price of your authenticity?


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Re: Polyamoury - May 26th 2014, 02:30 AM

I think I am sexually frustrated in my current relationship and want to explore other options because I want to have my needs met. I had a guy that would have met my physical needs however he didn't meet my intellectual needs. I didnt see a problem having both guys but my bf saw major issues. He is so catholic I wonder if he will even consider sex before marriage :P


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