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LGBT, Sexuality and Gender Identity Whether you're LGBT, questioning, have gender identity issues, or have entirely unrelated feelings, this forum is here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
R13ose Offline
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Name: Amelia Rose Khan
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Confused Gender and Sexuality - August 2nd 2014, 02:50 AM

I am having a very hard time dealing with life as everything I do seems wrong. I am an adult which means I can make discussions on my own but I feel like if I do, my parents will always win in the end.

Now that I am for sure transgender and have been for many years but in the last few years noticed that even more, I feel like nothing I do around this will come forward as my parents and some family members will not understand. I am not sure what to do about all of this as people always give me confusing advice. I even read other stories of people who have come out transgender and I feel exactly the same way but I feel trapped.

I have taken on a new name for people outside of my family, and I really enjoy this even if others don't fully understand. I just wish that I could go fully out in my new self. The other problem I see is that I have facial hair. What can I do besides run away and live a secret life when others that know me are not there?

As for my sexuality, I know that I am gay but others have said that you should be straight or like women if you are transgender mtof. I am sick of these people saying that but they are right to some extent that this would be easier. What should I do?

Overall, no one in my family knows but they might suspect something. I know that my parents always win in everything so if I try to do one thing my way, they will always say that is wrong and in the long run get their way.

Examples:
1.) If I have long hair (which I have had), they will say cut this and get this cut short, and in the end I did.
2.) They want me to cut my facial hair which I haven't because I want them to see me as more male.
3.) They always want me to wear the clothes they want me to wear, even if others in the family get to wear whatever.
4.) I want to be vegan and have been for years, yet they want me to not be vegan ever.

Even if I have lived away from my parents before, I always come back as they always know that is the right thing for me. They seem to get everything they want from me in the end. They even say for most fights, I am only asking for this one thing and they seem to win most of the time. Even the times I win, I lose in the long run.

What should I do about all of this? I feel like I am losing myself, and not sure how to come out on top.


"Why do we fight in this world so much?"

"I cry everyday for all the hurt in this world."
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Melancholia. Offline
Devil Dez

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Re: Confused Gender and Sexuality - August 2nd 2014, 03:18 AM

Hey there,

I can understand that it is tough to be yourself around your parents, but you are right that you are an adult. Do they threaten you in any way if you be yourself? For instance, take your hair. If you do not get it cut, do they make any threats towards you that make you feel unsafe? If they are just saying that it would look better or are nagging you about it, you don't HAVE to do it.

You said you always come back to your parents because they always know what the right thing is. But do they really? It seems as if to at least an extent you are unhappy living at home because you are afraid or unwilling to go against what they say. I know they are your parents and it may SEEM like they know best, but you also deserve the freedom to be yourself and act the way you want without feeling put down and like you have no say in your life. Try to stand your ground sometime.

If you really can't, remember that you will have to live alone at some point in your life. I am not saying that time will be now, but eventually you will have to begin to make these sorts of decisions on your own, and it may be easier then. If possible, you can always try one more time to live away from home and see how it goes. It can be with a friend or a different relative if anyone already knows, but at least you will be able to experiment with being yourself.

As far as being gay goes, I think you should tell the people who say that you aren't or shouldn't be to politely mind their own business. Be firm if you have to. It's YOUR decision what label you go with, NOT theirs. There isn't some sort of rulebook that says you have to be a certain sexuality, and they don't know where your feelings lie or what goes on in your mind. DON'T listen to what they say and apply a label to yourself that isn't you.

With coming out, do it when you feel safe to. For instance, if you feel your family would kick you out, only come out if you have another place to go. Even with friends, only tell the people YOU want to. Sit down with them one day when they are in a relatively good mood. It may even help to print out pamphlets related to what you are going through. Let them know that you have known for many years that you are transgender. Explain a bit about what that means, the pronouns, and anything else you think they should know. You can also come out as gay and explain that if you'd like. Let them know if they have any questions, they can ask, because that is how they will understand.

Is there anyone at all you can talk to about this, even if it is just a friend who has been supportive? You really don't deserve to go through this alone.

-Dez


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Confused Gender and Sexuality - August 2nd 2014, 03:50 AM

I understand what you are saying I am an adult and can pick the path I want to go. I just hear from my parents every single day that my hair is too long and they want me to cut this. It is not just my parents, my family says that and others too, as I still look like a guy and long hair on guys for most people is a no-no. I wish I could go back to having long hair again. My parents just are annoying about the issue and they feel that if I have long hair or do other things my life will be worse off and I will not get a job.

My parents don't always know what is right for me in my life. I remember one time I was out and doing okay but my parents thought I was in need of help so they said "come back home, this is a better situation." I am not afraid or unwilling to go against my parents at all and I do stand my ground sometimes. I feel that in the long run, I am not going to my way. My parents / family always focus on me because I am the lost people to be solved of all problems, there is no one else who has as major problems as me.

I wish I could move out again and live on my own. I really enjoy doing that and I am able to manage well but my parents feel that, I can't do that yet. They want me to be in good shape before I move out again and not with others.

I don't like labels but seems that if I don't label myself the world seems to be asking all these questions, who or what are you? They don't understand unless I fit under one label that is normal which is wrong. I really want to be myself, and being the way I want to be.

I can't sit down with everyone and talk to them about me being gay, and transgender which is really non-gender to me. I just like both terms, and want to wear more female gendered clothes. It is hard for people to understand me at all, everyone calls me something different. Like "he", or "she", or "male" or "female". When I tell people my name, they either want to say the male version or call me "Amelia" or "AR" when I want to be called Amelia Rose (First Name) and they never understand that at all.

I have a few friends I can talk to about this but I am not sure they would sit through me talking about myself for hours as they are busy too. I am not saying I should do that but it is nice to talk to them. I also know there are groups or doctors I can go to, to speak to them about this but I am not sure that is the way to go yet.

Overall, I feel that everytime I try to be myself, something fails. I want to live my own life and be myself to express who I am. To do this, would be amazing and I would be much happier and able to see the world clearer.


"Why do we fight in this world so much?"

"I cry everyday for all the hurt in this world."
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Confused Gender and Sexuality - August 2nd 2014, 11:13 PM

I don't think long hair will necessarily make you worse off or prevent you from getting a job as long as it is well-kempt and you look put together in general. I see guys with long hair all the time, heck, I even had a middle school teacher with long hair, and I saw a lawyer on the news yesterday who had really curly long hair. They just pull it back if they have to look professional for something and make sure it is clean. I'm sure you'd be able to pull it off.

I think if you wish you could move out, you should. If you're not ready you can always come back home, but don't let anyone, even yourself, pull you down! If it doesn't work out, you can always move back home, but this will allow you some opportunity to wear the clothes you want and express who you are.

As for them questioning you without the label, you can explain it without a label. For my sexuality, I don't label it either and I just say "I can see myself dating someone of any gender identity, but I don't feel attraction very often." If they don't accept it, that's their problem.

Keep on correcting people when they say your name/pronoun wrong. Eventually they'll get the picture that that is who you are, I'd hope!

You don't have to talk about every single thing at once, maybe you can talk with them about specific things at a time so it won't be hours at a time?


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Confused Gender and Sexuality - August 3rd 2014, 03:02 PM

Thanks for everything.

My parents always like to stretch everything out as they always like to be right and until I listen to them, they will not let anything go.


"Why do we fight in this world so much?"

"I cry everyday for all the hurt in this world."
   
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