Questions for Trans Teenhelpers

[anonymouswhale]

Hey teenhelpers! My best friend and former ex recently came to the realization that they are going to transition. I'm reaching out to anybody in the trans community who may be able to answer some questions I have.

I really want to support them and understand as much as possible and would really really value hearing some experiences.

1) What pronoun do you prefer to be addressed by? Do you prefer a name that is different from your given name at birth?
2) How old were you when you first felt a difference between your biological sex and gender identity?
3) Who in your life has been the most supportive? Who could be more supportive?
4) What is the biggest struggle of the transition process?

5) What is something you'd like more people to know about your experience as a transgender individual?

You don't need to answer them all, but I sincerely value any info! Thanks.

[Ennui.]

While I am not trans myself, I am really glad that you are wanting to learn more and be supportive.

Do you think you could ask them some things you may be able to do to help? Let them know you really want to be there for them and want to know what can be done to help make them more comfortable and secure. Maybe you can also ask them if they'd like you to call them by a different pronoun or name, and let them know you're there if they need. I am betting that while some days will be tough for them, but on others they will just need a friend.

You will definitely get a wide variety of answers from our users, as everyone has different experiences. I hope you get the information you are looking for.

[Always *]

Like Dez, I'm not trans, but I know many trans people and feel like I can shed some light on the topic for you

1) Pronouns and names
I find it is best to ask the person. It might feel weird, but they'll either tell you themselves, or you can simply ask. I have done this before and they're totally ok with it. Something as simple as "do you want me to use female, male or "they" pronouns when I talk to you or about you?" can go along way. I think it shows respect by asking them if you are unsure, instead of just assuming and incorrectly labeling what they choose. In terms of name, that might depend; your friend will likely want to think about a name he (she?) has the best connection with in with the gender of her (his?) choosing, again, you can just ask, but he (she?) will probably "come out" with a new name when she (he?) is ready.

2) Age
I know many people who "came out" as trans when they were quite young (like 10-13) and possibly identified even sooner. I know other people who always sort of knew, identified or felt differently in their own minds for a long time, but never "came out" until they were in their 20's (or older)

3) Supportiveness

As I am not trans, I cannot speak to this personally. The reality is that trans people have more trouble accessing quality health care, particularly in countries like the USA where people are more conservatively minded, they are often bullied more, face higher murder rates and homelessness and unemployment rates. That said, that is not the experience of everyone; I know many trans people who have supportive friends, families, employers, and their lives have not been adversely affected by their choice (although I cannot guarantee what people not close to them have said).

4) Biggest struggle in transition process

I'm not sure if I will be right here, but I think there will be a few struggles. One will be acceptance from those in the trans persons life. As much as it is his/her own choice to transition and no one else has to accept that, it does suck when people reject you or are cruel, especially those who were previous close to that person. A second one will be the physical process of the transition; the hormones can be expensive, and the surgeries such as getting or removing boobs (can't remember the proper name, sorry) can be painful. A third challenge can be the body dismorphia that a lot of transpeople have to deal with; it can be hard to look at yourself without any clothes on if you're still living in the wrong body or haven't fully transitioned. The body dysmorphia can be very psychologically trying and I think could probably cause anxiety or depression from what I've heard. There are probably many other things, but those are just a few I can think of. It'll affect everyone differently though.

I skipped the 5th question because it wasn't really one I could think of an answer to as it relates a lot to personal experience.

[Tametsi]

Hi! I'm sorta really messed up in what I am exactly (I'm between genderfluid and demiboy), but I do identify as trans/other, as my gender identity does not usually match up with what I was assigned at birth.

1) What pronoun do you prefer to be addressed by?
I currently prefer They/Them pronouns, but I often say that "I'll take whatever I can get", because I'm often a little too nervous to open up about it. Ask about their comfort level- I'm nervous about using the correct pronouns because back home I would have been shamed for it, but where I am currently, they're very kind about it. Besides that, I've found what pronouns I feel fit best change- when I first realized that my gender didn't match the one I was assigned at birth, I thought of myself as solely male, and desired male pronouns, but now I see myself as a very fluid mixture. Remember that gender is a spectrum, and while I can't speak for your friends, I can speak for myself on that, and that support in whatever they need is the best thing you can ever give them.

Do you prefer a name that is different from your given name at birth?
I use to prefer a different name, but later decided that I like my birth name. For me, this was a very personal thing- as my name is a part of my cultural heritage. I do however, have friends that both go by their birth names as well, or have chosen another name. I think that depends on personal preferences as well, and accept that you might slip up from time to time if your friends do decide to go by a new name- definitely don't make a big deal out of it and correct yourself (and do apologize).

2) How old were you when you first felt a difference between your biological sex and gender identity?
I don't think I really knew anything about myself when I was a kid. I knew certain things felt more right than others- I'd always felt awkward in my body, but attributed it to other things (such as weight or height, as I was/am fat and kind of tall). I only really realized that what I felt was different from what my peers felt at 14, so like, three-four years ago. Honestly, it tripped me up for a while thinking I wasn't "trans enough" because I hadn't known my whole life, but I'm coming to a place where I realize when I knew isn't a big deal, because when I figured it out shouldn't matter, it's that I've had the resources and the support to understand myself that does.

3) Who in your life has been the most supportive? Who could be more supportive?
The most supportive person in my life has probably been one of my buddy's that I met on teenhelp the first time I was on here, like, three-to-four years ago, that I do still talk to fairly regularly. He understands me the best. Another would be one of my friends who came out as trans fairly recently- we only really talked about it once or twice, but I found that knowing him and seeing how strong he is, really helped. I mean, it made me think that it wasn't hopeless. People who could have been more supportive would be: my parents- my mom knows but thinks I'm just bullshitting, and she doesn't support me in the least, in anything really. My friends as well, I've really given up on correcting a lot of my friends- because I'm not emotionally ready to deal with explaining it multiple times? But at the same time, I'm not emotionally ready to deal with the constant mis-gendering.

4) What is the biggest struggle of the transition process?
My biggest struggle is figuring out how to. I'm afraid to come out. I'm afraid to lose my family, I'm afraid to lose all my future prospects. I'm afraid as someone who feels relatively gender-fluid to do something and regret it later- which stems from the constant mis-gendering and the constant thoughts of "am I trans enough?". I've reached a point where, I don't really know what I'm going to do- my only step right now is to get my hands on a binder and some people who support and care for me. Whatever comes next comes next, I'll figure it out. But I think in general, the biggest struggle of transitioning is having the support needed to go through everything. It's not easy. There's a whole lot of work that goes into being able to transition, and a long process. Besides that it's also like, you're striving to become the person you wish you saw in the mirror, the person that you can feel inside, and I think there's a change of disappointment, because not everyone can just transition and look the way society expects a certain person of either gender to look like.

5) What is something you'd like more people to know about your experience as a transgender individual?
That it's not all silly made up pronouns. This is my life, my life is never being able to find the right pronouns, the right words to express myself. That it hurts inside some days- most days, that sometimes it's really hard to look in the mirror, because I can't ignore what's wrong with my body anymore.

[Dream]

1) What pronoun do you prefer to be addressed by? Do you prefer a name that is different from your given name at birth?

I prefer she/they pronouns for now (I'm male-to-female). I still get male pronouns pretty much always, but I hate them. Yes, I'm changing my name.

2) How old were you when you first felt a difference between your biological sex and gender identity?

I don't like nitpicking, but I'd argue that my biological sex is the same as my gender identity because gender identity is a result of brain structure (even though the definition of sex is usually limited to gonads, genitals, and chromosomes, it shouldn't be that way). It is my birth-assigned sex that does not match my gender identity.

I was very young when I began experiencing dysphoria, but I didn't understand it at the time of course. I was not a feminine child. I didn't start transitioning until 24 and have been on hormone replacement therapy for 8 months now. I thought that I was just mentally ill for wanting to live as a woman and didn't understand that I was experiencing gender dysphoria until that age.

3) Who in your life has been the most supportive? Who could be more supportive?

My sisters have been the most supportive.

I think that other trans women could be more supportive. There is so much in-fighting that goes on among trans women, and they have been far meaner to me than any cis or trans-masculine person has.


4) What is the biggest struggle of the transition process?

Passing. I can't pass, so I struggle with presenting female because I'm extremely afraid and really find myself disgusting. I desperately need facial surgery, but it is extremely expensive. I've already decided that if I'm not able to live as a woman after a few years on hormones and facial surgery that I will kill myself. There is no point to living like this.

5) What is something you'd like more people to know about your experience as a transgender individual?

The most important thing for someone to know is that this is not a choice for me. I haven't had a decent life up to this point due to this condition, and I never will until I'm able to integrate into society as a woman. I would never have chosen this in a million years and hate it, and I really wish people were more knowledgeable and accepting of it.

[anonymouswhale]

Thanks SOOOO much everybody! I really, really appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions.

[Evanesco]

1) What pronoun do you prefer to be addressed by? Do you prefer a name that is different from your given name at birth?
I use he/him/his, and have changed my name legally by deed poll.

2) How old were you when you first felt a difference between your biological sex and gender identity?
I don't know. I remember stuff from when I was in primary school. I only realised it was being trans when I was 18.

3) Who in your life has been the most supportive? Who could be more supportive?
My friends. My parents are not so supportive but they're better than I expected.

4) What is the biggest struggle of the transition process?
Having to wait for medical transistion. I want hormones, but the waiting list is two+ years before you even see a therapist, never mind actually getting hormones.

5) What is something you'd like more people to know about your experience as a transgender individual?
I'm not a freak, just treat me the same as you'd treat anyone else.

[xXfallinginthedarknessXx]

This is really cool that you're doing this! ^v^

1) What pronoun do you prefer to be addressed by? Do you prefer a name that is different from your given name at birth?

I go by they and them (I am gender-fluid) and I do, that's why I go by Cheshire (Chesh) and Jaxton (Jax) rather than my birth name since it makes me uneasy.

2) How old were you when you first felt a difference between your biological sex and gender identity?

When I felt a difference I probably was around 10 but didn't realize what was happening until around this year. So 17.

3) Who in your life has been the most supportive? Who could be more supportive?

I don't really share this information around and the people who know are pretty supportive. The people I've told so far have been as supportive as they could be so that's nice. ^v^

4) What is the biggest struggle of the transition process?

I guess looking at my body and loathing it at times.

5) What is something you'd like more people to know about your experience as a transgender individual?

That I'm actually transgender...not many people acknowledge or know...

[MyVisionIsDying]

1) What pronoun do you prefer to be addressed by? Do you prefer a name that is different from your given name at birth?
I prefer to go by he/him but I also don't mind they/them. And as for my name, I grew up being attatched to my birth name so I couldn't really let that go so easily and decided to go by a name beginning with the same letter which is the letter S- I am hoping to change my name sometime next year after I turn 18.

2) How old were you when you first felt a difference between your biological sex and gender identity?
I suppose I've always felt awkward with being perceived as female and I felt disconnected as well because it wasn't right for me being as if I had to belong with other girls because people made me out to be one.
I only connected the pieces almost a year ago when I was 16 (funnily enough I was watching a livestream and the topic came up in chat), I had heard of the word transgender but learning more about what it meant broadened my understanding of the term and well, here I am now

3) Who in your life has been the most supportive? Who could be more supportive?
My mum has been the most supportive person in my life, I don't know what I'd do without her to be honest. My friends support me too but I think they need a bit more time before trying a little harder to use my name and pronouns, the same also goes for my dad and his side of the family- it feels like that they have acknowledged the fact I'm trans but won't speak to me about it which makes me awkward when wanting to bring it up which I won't.

4) What is the biggest struggle of the transition process?
Getting somewhere with transitioning medically, but I think that's a big struggle for many trans people because of the increasing amount of people coming out and the cost of hormones and surgery as well.
Also transitioning socially is a struggle, it's a small struggle but although I present as male in public the fact that people see through it hurts (but on a positive note, someone called me by my preferred name at work the other day, he saw my name badge and used it).

5) What is something you'd like more people to know about your experience as a transgender individual?
I wish people would understand that I'm human. And I'm a dude, and with what they make me out to be does hurt and makes me uncomfortable.