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LGBT, Sexuality and Gender Identity Whether you're LGBT, questioning, have gender identity issues, or have entirely unrelated feelings, this forum is here to help.

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Little brother's (almost certainly) gay - March 28th 2017, 01:22 AM

My friends family is what Id consider a second family, and he has four brothers. One of them is super obviously gay, and another one I think is gay but he's internalizing hardcore. The younger one, the obviously gay one, is super effeminate and used to wear his moms dresses as a kid, but his parents are super conservative and they're basically trying to brainwash him into straightness. I know you can't just judge based on outside stuff like the dresses, but its SO obvious to everyone else. He's never shown an ounce of straightness. He's never shown any sign of attraction to girls. I'm worried though because he's 14, and his family minus my best friend have a super intolerant mentality toward that kind of thing. He has a lot of emotional problems and I think this is just killing him inside. I also kinda think he might be getting bullied, but I wouldn't know about that. But he literally cries whenever he sees me, my friend, or his extended family after a long break.
Anyway, our family has a yearly family reunion, and our cousins always try to bring up their LGBT friends in conversation when he's around as a way to normalize it. We're thinking of telling him that Im bi too. I would be the closest one to him who is LGBT and we think I could be a mentor figure until he's out of the house.
Can I get some advice on how to do this though? I don't know how this will go and I've never done this before. And he seems pretty emotionally unstable.


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Re: Little brother's (almost certainly) gay - March 28th 2017, 03:38 AM

From personal experience, a person can grow up in a really accepting family and not be ready to come out as gay. However, I do think it is more challenging to be in a family that is intolerant. I think that having it be normalized by friends when your family won't can be helpful.

I am bisexual and my family (except for my dad) were not really accepting of the LGBT 'Lifestyle' which made me even more confused about my sexuality and made figuring it out so much more complicated. Had my family been more accepting I think I would have had an easier time accepting that I am bisexual.

I think that telling this kid that you are bi could end up being really good for him. It will give him someone to talk to about his struggles if the time arises.

I don't really have any suggestions on how to approach it though. I think that's entirely up to you. What will make you most comfortable when coming out about this?


   
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Re: Little brother's (almost certainly) gay - March 29th 2017, 12:51 AM

Hey there,

Coming out can be difficult, even when you're surrounded by the most accepting people. When you're part of an intolerant family, it can be even more difficult and make you feel even more alone. It's great that you and your family are trying to normalize being part of the LGBTQ+ community for him in spite of all of it.

I think telling him that you're bi could be a great thing. I know having openly gay influences in my life when I was still coming to terms with my sexuality was a huge help to me because it showed me that it didn't have to impact my life profoundly. That being said, if he hasn't come out to you yet, I'd recommend leaving any implication about his sexuality out of it. If he doesn't know that you're bi, you could treat it as if you're coming out to him. If he does already know, try to figure out how to work things about your story into regular conversation without making it seem like you're trying to get him to come out before he's ready.

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Re: Little brother's (almost certainly) gay - March 29th 2017, 02:59 AM

I agree, I don't feel like I should be prodding him to come out. It might make him feel insecure, maybe to the point of thinking, "DOES EVERYONE KNOW???" and then he might try to change himself into something more typically masculine that makes him unhappy. And to a kid with pretty bad bipolar, I don't think he needs to deal with that.
One thing I've noticed with the second oldest brother is that he fits the archetype of a struggling gay conservative in the sense that he'll yell about "gay is a choice, and its against the Bible" but he'll probably wind up with a gay hooker in an airport bathroom stall at some point (this happened to a homophobic congressman). I think he definitely has same-sex attraction too but he's trying to mask it with his girlfriend and his homophobia. I knew him growing up too, and he definitely showed a lot of typically gay traits. That is, before he understood how apparently wrong it is to like men.
The reason I brought that up is because the younger brother could be doing the same thing too but he's just not as good at appearing masculine. I don't necessarily know how he feels about gay people, but I do know that for politics and social stuff he tends to parrot his parents. This sucks because if I asked him, "are you gay" it would probably make him feel really bad because his parents demonize gay people so much. On the other hand, seeing a lifelong role model say he likes men would hopefully make him realize that it can't be that bad because their parents love me too.


Wish I lived in Canada. UPDATE, NOV. 9th, 2016: This statement has become even more appropriate.
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Re: Little brother's (almost certainly) gay - March 29th 2017, 04:35 AM

I just have to throw this in there. I know guys who are really fenimin and aren't gay at all. Just because someone acts gay and you are certain they are gay doesn't mean they really are gay. With that said.

I think maybe you could sit down with him and ask him if there is anyone he is interested in, or maybe tell him about a guy you are interested in and see how he reacts, and tell him that you are bi. Don't make it seem like you already know he is gay(if he is gay) because that would be like him being outed and that isn't a good thing at all.



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Re: Little brother's (almost certainly) gay - March 29th 2017, 06:04 AM

That doesnt sound like a bad idea. And yeah, I mean, you can't just assume somebody's sexuality. People look at me, and they're like, yeah, straight as an arrow. People look at him and they're unsure on a good day. So yeah, Im not just gonna go in there waiting for him to tell me he likes guys, it isn't that simple. But I want him to know first that theres nothing wrong with it. Maybe he'd see that, he'd think about it, and he'd just come by one day and say, "yeah, I think I'm gay." And I'd be like, "Alright. What now?"


Wish I lived in Canada. UPDATE, NOV. 9th, 2016: This statement has become even more appropriate.
I vow that I will attack this endeavor with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind. Jim Harbaugh

"Being an adult sucks. The only positives are weed, sex, and cars, and I have none of those right now." -Me

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hatred cannot drive out hatred; only love can do that." -Martin Luther King Jr.
   
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