TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


LGBT, Sexuality and Gender Identity Whether you're LGBT, questioning, have gender identity issues, or have entirely unrelated feelings, this forum is here to help.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
FFAFF Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
FFAFF's Avatar
 
Name: agirlithink
Age: 19
Gender: Trans

Posts: 6
Join Date: June 7th 2013

Post Am I healthy? Am I stable?/Do you ever feel like you've never appreciated someone enough?/How to overcome feeling "fake"? - January 5th 2019, 01:07 AM

(DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THIS IS ORGANIZED IN A SENSIBLE WAY AT ALL. I AM COMPLETELY LETTING MY BRAIN SPILL OUT HERE AND I APOLOGIZE IF ANYTHING IS UNCLEAR.)

Hi, everyone. Haven't used these forums in a hell of a long time - but one of my New Year's resolutions was to actually vocalize these feelings and find some help (in between programming - I literally have another window open with a Java project so forgive me if my brain seems completely fried).

I'm...confused. About everything. I don't even know where to start but I'll try.
I hate college. I don't know if it's my college, or the idea of college and everyone I know moving away and performing beyond me and living in these amazing cities or what but the thought of school has turned from "something I enjoy" to "something that I actively refuse to think about because I don't think I can handle this new reality".

I guess what bothers me most about it is my current position - either because of my own unhealthiness or cultural pressure by my Indian family (or, more realistically, both), I was someone who took immense pride in my academic performance. On top of consistently placing into the top-twenty students in my year (in a particularly large high school class as well), I really felt that I came into my own in my waning years of high school, balancing a history honors society vice-president position with choir & theatre - all extracurriculars that I felt too terrified to take "at the expense of my GPA" in my beginning years. For nearly my entire life, I had been conditioning myself academically to place into, if not a "reach" college, at least a selective one with a strong focus in what I want to pursue (computer science - but don't fret, I can get even MORE stereotypical).

I adore computers and computer science - I really do. Which is why it made me love a friend of mine even more when, after spending her years in a county magnet school meant for medical studies, told me she wanted to pursue computer science as well.
I felt like I never appreciated her before we hit 18 - she lived right near by (to clarify, I had attended our town's high school, while she attended a county magnet school) and while we had known each other since eighth grade, we had only reconnected in sophomore year (and even then, only regularly started speaking to each other in senior year). While I was going through a phase that caused me to deny myself of all the special interests (more specifically I buried within my a huge passion for anime/video games, all because I felt that the community around them was too toxic and out of reach and that I was limiting myself with the people within those communities) she was genuinely appreciating them in a positive and respectful manner that I couldn't help but fall in love with. We started talking regularly, and I learned to love all the things that made me happy again, that that they can enrich me without defining me as some gross "neckbeard" stereotype, and that I'm allowed to have both "mainstream" (I despise using that terminology because it makes me sound like some entitled hipster, but I think it gets across what I want to say) and "alternative" interests instead of having to arbitrarily choose between one or the other.

And of course, it happened with only a few months left until her moving to a great college in a city five hours away from home.
We keep in touch like crazy - we text every day about everything from programming to games, we watch shows both together and with other mutual friends, and we all meet up every time she comes home.

I should probably segue into how college ended up for me.
I applied to twelve schools and ten denied me.
One I couldn't afford to go to, so I was left with my safety school - an okay-ish state university that I actively didn't want to attend.

That state university proceeded to place me in its lowest possible math course outside of remedial studies - effectively delaying my CS education for a year and a half. Even if I proceed, my options are to get a generic, cookie-cutter degree with gen-ed requirements from our liberal arts school OR apply for the engineering school and kill myself with Calc IV and a degree that really won't carry more merit than a standard CS degree.
The school my friend is attending, which, on top of being one of my top choices and a place I had previously applied to, has much more variety in its CS degree choices on account of having an entire school dedicated to the subject, which I hear about constantly from her. I hear about the friends she has, the things they all make, the game-design club she's in, how quickly she's picking up on a formal CS education, and how much she wants to create games.

I'm not jealous of her - I'm really not. I'm happy for her and I'm happy that we can enjoy one of my biggest passions in life together. But I feel this mixture of inferiority and shame every time we bring the topic up - like I wasn't "good enough" and that I just "peaked in high school".
We've spoken about this - she actively tries to help by showing me the projects she's working on in class and sharing discrete mathematics problems, that we then proceed to work through together. Sometimes it works, or at least I try to make it work in my head because she doesn't have to put in this effort for me and yet she is anyways and maybe I should just get back to freakin' learning things. I've even picked up Linux on my own time and am showing her the basics of server administration for a game we both play.
Something about it all just doesn't sit right - I see literally everyone around my studying my life's passion, whether just for gen-ed credit or because they're majoring in it, and I'm stuck waiting on the sidelines because of some placement. I try to learn things on my own (and find some pride in the fact that I'm not depending "on the system", whatever the hell that means) but I just can't help but think back to how I fucked up in admissions so bad and how I'm not good enough to learn this and I get discouraged and quit.

It's enough to break someone - and I think it has. I've broken down more times the past six months than I have in nearly any other point in my life. I don't want to drag her down with my problems back home while she gets to enjoy the wonderful city she's in, but anything associated with my school and how college turned out for me fills me with so much dread that I can't find the passion within me to speak with people beyond some casual conversation or whatever needs to be done for group work. The only thing keeping me from dropping out is family pressure and the fact that state-grants (and commuting) make everything free - which is NO small bulletpoint.

Here's the actual LGBT+ part of this whirlwind. This May, I figured out that I'm probably trans. It was never a thought that really occurred to me - at least beyond me telling myself "haha what? I'm comfortable being male, what are you talking about?" - maybe because I don't fit the trans* narrative of "I-knew-it-since-I-was-little-and-X-Y-Z" but it occurred to me that the growing wish within me that I was just born AFAB/raised into the female experience and my inability to envision myself from a third-person perspective mentally (that...may not be the right wording - if it's unclear I'll gladly specify) probably means that I'm not as cis as I tried to tell myself.
It's been a long time since I played with my own perception of my gender - last I did it I was 13/14 and never put it past the thought "fuck it, so what if I'm a boy? I can enjoy dresses", but given that I literally teared up with joy at the thought of being referred to by "she/her", I came out as either a trans girl or some degree of genderqueer - I still have no clue. My friend from above was literally the first person I came out to as I was positive she would be supportive (she's LGBT+ herself, and even beforehand, when I ID'd as male, knew that I was pansexual). And she was. She's the person I most confide in with all these trans* thoughts (and she literally bought mascara for me this morning).

Lately I've been feeling particularly "fake" - as if I'm not actually a girl and just some approximation of one. I've been bouncing between dysphoria and euphoria for the months prior but thinking about my own gender is confusing and I just want to feel feminine. I'm a much happier person when I do and I just want to be a girl. (note that I'm saying I "want" to, because for some reason it's a huge barrier within my brain for me to say that I am right now). Intrusive thoughts and transphobic comments made by Internet users worm their way into my brain and don't leave until I either internalize them or act out in some horrible way).

And on top of ALL of this, I think I'm in love with her. I think I've been in love with her since the summer. God damn it.
Part of my brain wants to tell me that I'm being a "creepy straight man". I shouldn't. I know what I am and I know what makes me happy and I know that I love her in the way a woman loves another woman (it just...it feels different. I can't put it into words beyond "I envision myself as a girl loving her" but that's the only thing I can really put as a concrete example).

I thought the past semester was just college growing pains - that I would adjust soon enough and get back into my element. But as her winter recess ends, and as she readies to leave in two days, I feel the same mixture of dread and stress that I felt when she left in September. Every time someone mentions/I think about the city she lives in, or the college she attends, I feel this twinge of nervousness, like I'm about to break down.
"Here she is," my brain tells me, "the girl you love, in a city you love, in the college you want, studying what you love". And I want to be there with her. And it stresses me the fuck out because then I start thinking about how far she is, and how many years I spent clinging to people that couldn't stand me or who hurt me(1) and how I never hung out with her when it was easy to, and missed all those years of genuine mutual respect and shared passion until the very last minute, and then I start thinking about how she's learning everything I want to learn and how she has everything I want to have, and then I start thinking about the fact that she's in a big city and my paranoid brain that doesn't respect the fact that people can take care of themselves starts fretting about something happening to her or someone hurting her (because obviously big city = crime, right?) and I can't turn it off and I don't think this is healthy because I think about her a lot and I think about enjoying things with her and I love her and I wish that I could just go back to one years ago when everyone I knew was here and when I wasn't lonely and when I could just enjoy being young without the dread of being shut out of my own passion and being in love and struggling with my own self-identity with no one around to help me save for a few weeks out of the year and a messaging app.

Am I okay? I don't feel okay. Am I being obsessive or is this just how the human brain handles love? I don't think I should be running through all of these thoughts when I just read the same of her university or the city she's in but at the same time I don't know. I just want to learn what I love and love her and love myself again.



(1including my ex-boyfriend, whom I had been with for nearly five years and who cut me off within a day), and how all this time she was right there and because of stupid idiotic reasons (our friend group knew her through my school's marching band which she participated in because her school lacked one, which because of personal issues involving a toxic music teacher in my younger years I had never joined AND her association with a mutual ex-friend who would constantly berate me and how my brain just said that "oh, she hangs out with her, therefore she would be EXACTLY like her"))
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
~One Skittles Minion~

Jeez, get a life!
***********
 
Celyn's Avatar
 
Name: Holly
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: Wales

Posts: 5,458
Blog Entries: 151
Join Date: June 16th 2009

Re: Am I healthy? Am I stable?/Do you ever feel like you've never appreciated someone enough?/How to overcome feeling "fake"? - January 20th 2019, 07:50 PM

I'm glad that you made a goal of vocalising things more and I really hope that it helped you to get this off your chest!

Firstly, try not to compare yourself to others. I think it can be quite common to grow bored or restless with things we used to enjoy, and it can be easy to look around and see how others are progressing and feel stuck in a rut. It might help to try focusing on your own journey and what you want to do and where you want to go in life. It's okay to take pride in your success at school, and I'm sorry to hear that college isn't going the way you hoped. Remember though, you are more than your grades and academic success!

It sounds like this friend made a good impression on you and made you realise that you can appreciate your interests without engaging in 'black and white' thinking. I'm also really glad that your friend can share with you her experiences of the college that you wished to attend and that you have a close enough relationship to discuss how you feel inferior sometimes. I also think it's really good that you do try to learn things with your friend and by yourself. You might not have got into the college to study computer science, but that doesn't mean that you aren't good enough to learn. I understand that it can tempting to give up but sometimes it can help to prove to yourself that you can do it and you are worthy. Don't let the bad experience of not getting into the college take away the things you are passionate about.

I understand that having such hopes and dreams and not getting them can feel devastating and it makes complete sense that you don't want to burden your friend and don't feel up to talking to others about college. I'm wondering if you can talk to a counsellor about your feelings? Anything that's getting you down and in the way of your life is always worth talking about and counselling gives you the space to do that.

Many people take a while to think about their gender identity. It is a very personal process and I'm glad that you confided in and got support from your friend. You aren't 'fake' in anyway though. It does seem like you may be experiencing dysphoria and the difference between your biological and desired gender. It's okay for you to identify as trans and yet still feel that you aren't feminine (however you define femininity). Can you think of ways that may help ease this feeling in a healthy way (and ignoring all the transphobic comments online).

It must be really confusing to also feel that you are in love with your friend on top of everything. Especially when she is living the life that you want and when you miss her and want to be with her. The problem with thinking about her and how you could enjoy things with her is that it means you may be missing out on opportunities in the present. It's more than okay to have feelings of love for your friend and keep in touch often but it's also important that you find ways to enjoy the life you currently have when your friend isn't around. You deserve that and I'm sure your friend would want that for you as well


HelpLINK and Live Help Officer
Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3
SKITTLIFY!

   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
FFAFF Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
FFAFF's Avatar
 
Name: agirlithink
Age: 19
Gender: Trans

Posts: 6
Join Date: June 7th 2013

Re: Am I healthy? Am I stable?/Do you ever feel like you've never appreciated someone enough?/How to overcome feeling "fake"? - February 13th 2019, 12:22 AM

Thank you.

As an update, I'm a few weeks into a new semester, having just by the skin-of-my-teeth registered for a CS course. (Well, not technically CompSci, but a course included in that department's catalog that covers data science and some basic programming. The good news is that that feeling of inferiority is somewhat gone - but I'm still pretty bummed over how everything's different kind of.)

I think my brain saw how I was adjusting to college (and how really thankful I was for my low tuition) and decided to dial up the dysphoria by fucking 300%, because here I am again.

Two nights ago I felt so much glee over being a girl (a gay girl, no less) that I literally mentally said to myself that I "haven't felt this happy since I was a child". And I'll stand by that - it was amazing. That's one of a very small number of times this has occurred.

Dysphoria's making me feel completely numb today in particular. I feel like I'm over-examining everything I do to see if it's "feminine" enough to meet whatever crazy standards my internalized whatevertheshit demands of me - and if I'm not doing that I'm panicking over hypothetical scenarios of coming out to my family (who, without launching into further painful detail, reacted pretty terribly to me coming out as pan - to the point where I retracted back in and claimed it was just a "joke").

I feel numb. I feel like I'm not. I know what makes me happy - maybe, I don't know. I want to be a girl. I really do. I want to be gentle and kind and look amazing in dresses and even all the other clothes I have and I want to be cute and I want to love as a girl does but at the same time it's terrifying thinking about stepping into this world as a woman or as a trans* woman and ughhghkljgdfjlk

I want to be a girl. Not a trans* girl. Just a girl first, and one that happens to be trans* second. I shouldn't be putting this all down as "I want to be a girl" - I know I sound like the kind of person that doesn't understand what being trans* is and puts someone's gender identity in quotes but my brain actively refuses to just put me down as a plain ol' girl save for those fleeting moments of euphoria.

Am I fighting my brain? Is this a sign that I'm not really trans? That this is just some fucking fantasy gone way out of hand? I'd like to be seen as a girl - I don't necessarily hate my biological maleness, but I just wish I was read and interpreted the same way a cis girl would be.

God what's going on.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
~One Skittles Minion~

Jeez, get a life!
***********
 
Celyn's Avatar
 
Name: Holly
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: Wales

Posts: 5,458
Blog Entries: 151
Join Date: June 16th 2009

Re: Am I healthy? Am I stable?/Do you ever feel like you've never appreciated someone enough?/How to overcome feeling "fake"? - March 3rd 2019, 05:29 PM

It's good to hear that you are doing a CS course and the feelings of inferiority have lessened a bit (though I know you may still be feeling a bit disappointed by how things turned out).

Sorry to hear how the dysphoria seems to have increased. It seems like this has increased anxiety over how 'feminine' you are and do things as well as thinking about coming out to your family. When you get thoughts like this, try to slow down and accept your current situation (I know that's harder than it sounds). Setting yourself standards and worrying about whether you reach those standards often isn't helpful as we are often our own worst critics and we may end up feeling like we can't live up to those standards. As for your family, try not too much about that yet. If you decide to transition in the future, then you will need to talk to them about it, but for the time being, it might help to appreciate that you can be more yourself in your own privacy.

I'm sure that you are a kind and gentle person, just as you are. Though I can't imagine the struggle you feel when you want to be a girl and be feminine, and thinking about what that would mean for others and how they would respond and treat you.

What you say about wanting to be a girl first and trans second, makes a lot of sense and I'm sure many other people feel the same way. It doesn't mean that you don't understand what being trans is or that it means you are not trans- in a way, it likely signals that you are trans because ideally you would just be a girl. You don't have to hate your biological gender to feel this way either. I guess it's part of being trans and experiencing dysphoria.

Do you know if there are any counsellors, more so lgbt friendly ones in your area that you could talk to? It must be hard going through these thoughts and feelings on a regular basis and it may help to talk to someone who can empathise with what you are going through.


HelpLINK and Live Help Officer
Feel free to PM me! Even if I canít help, Iím always going to listen <3
SKITTLIFY!

   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
appreciated, college, computer science, enough or how, failure, fake, feel, feeling, healthy, lgbt, mtf, obsession, overcome, stable or do, trans, university

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright ©1998-2018, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.