Non-PG13: Dating as a Transgender

[Des1615]

I am FTM (24). Pre-op, Pre-everything.

I want some advice. How do you deal with dating/sexual intimacy as transgender? I haven't lost my v-card yet. I've been dealing with a lot of rejection because of genital preferences. It has been taking a huge toll on my mental health. I do have a prosthetic that looks realistic and can be used but some women still prefer the "real" thing. It's honestly have been traumatic and very dysphoric to be going through this. It doesn't help that I live in a small town too. I do want to medically transition soon. But until then, I feel very unloved atm. Lol

Has anyone experienced rejection? How did you go about it and deal with it? I do want to connect with more people that are transgender. I have no friends who are trans and can't really relate to what I've been going through. I really need some more support in my life

Hey there. Thanks for reaching out. I am trans and nonbinary, and I am on HRT. I've been out and openly transitioning for over a year and I have found that, yes, there are people who won't be into it, and unfortunately there are also people who have "genital preferences." It can feel very invalidating and it has definitely caused some dysphoria. When I came out telling people I am not, in fact, a woman, I knew my pool of potential partners would shrink, and it has been hard. I have to worry about people who are still seeing me as a girl because of my physical anatomy, or chasers, people who fetishize non-cis individuals. It can make dating and intimacy a minefield.

I am lucky in that I have found a positive, extensive queer community, also made of mainly of non-cis individuals. I imagine it's much harder to do that in a smaller town or community. I've met most people I have dated or slept with on dating apps or websites. Since it's listed upfront in a bio or "about me" there's no confusion or judgment (at least hopefully not). People know I'm queer, and I know they're queer. It makes it easier to find intimacy.

I don't know if you're straight or not, but unfortunately in my experience dating straight people just doesn't work because they're more likely to have an issue when your anatomy doesn't match what it's "supposed" to. So yeah, I basically only date non-cis, non-straight individuals as a result, but I am pansexual and polyamorous, so I have that luxury. If you're only into women I imagine it would be a little more difficult, and you'll probably encounter more barriers to finding the kind of intimacy you desire. All I can say is be upfront about your gender (which it sounds like you are doing) and don't be afraid to take your time if you need to in order to make sure people like you for you before proceeding into any kind of intimate relationship. I don't know if you like casual sex, and it's not wrong if you do, but you might have more trouble with making a proper connection and being on the same page if all you're looking for from someone is a casual encounter. I've found in those situations since I'm mostly interested in sex alone I let more slide. I do, however, don't do so at the expense of my identity. If someone says something like "well, I'll still have sex with you because you have a vagina" or starts asking what's in my pants that tells me they don't or won't truly respect me and as a result I don't even want to engage with them casually. Just know yourself, know what you want, and know where your boundaries are and it will go a long way. You may have to struggling with some rejection dysphoria, as well as possibly body dysphoria, but in time you'll find someone(s) who value you for you, and that is always a great feeling.

Please feel free to PM if you have more questions or want to talk more. I am happy to help.