Confused - Fluid / Queer or Transgender

[ShawnRisk]

I have a hard time figuring out if I am just having thoughts that I like being Female somedays and Male others or I am really a Female in a Male body. How would I know, not even sure. I just know that I am queer, and have a female first names picked out: Aemilius Rose. I do love the Clothes of Females much better and they give me joy to see them all the time.

Is there a way I am suppose to know who? I have been trying to figure this out for a very long time and there is nothing that is coming to my mind.

Wishing that everything would come together better.

[Kaisada]

I identify as genderqueer and trans, in the sense that while my authentic identity isn't male or female, I would still like to transition and live as the opposite sex. I think this is how most people identifying as such interpret these terms to be.

There is the idea that a 'trans' identity must imply 'mind of opposite sex, trapped in body of assigned sex', but there really is no one way to be trans, nor is there for genderqueer. It's not about how much you fit a label, but rather the reverse - labels exist mainly to help us find community in a still largely harsh and transphobic world, they need not function as limitations to our already transcendent gender expressions.

It's about what feels most comfortable and natural to you - and keep in mind that there is no rush at all.

[ShawnRisk]

Thanks for that. I know that I need to keep exploring and finding out what everything means to me. For sure learning about what all the words that people use to label everyone is great thing to do.

I just still feel like there is no acceptance of people for certain things. Why is this always the case?

I would like to be a person who could have much more express in the overall thoughts of myself, but sometimes I get scared. Like I wish I was Female at times and Male at others. I just am not sure I am expressing that well enough in my mind.

[Kaisada]

It sounds like you're hesitant to embrace aspects of your gender identity for fear of social hostility. That is something that most, if not all of us have to go through as a part of our identity exploration and acceptance, so you are not alone.

When I first started embracing my identity, the immediate thought was, "but what if I'm discriminated against and become stuck at the bottom of the social ladder for the rest of my life?" - I'm not going to lie, I have seen it happen - but the chances of that are dependent on many factors, environmental and individual. Some places in the world are much more liberal and accepting than others. Some people's family and friends are much more supportive than others. Some people make their visible gender changes much later than others - thus they have more to lose, while less time and energy to attempt a realistic and successful re-start from the beginning in life.

Challenging any norm is frightening - just remember that you are young, you have that opportunity to shape your identity freely in a way that older people may not have, and intentionally gravitate towards those places and networks within society that are more accepting of your differences; and ultimately, western society's overall openness towards divergent gender expressions is making progress - a progress that is the work of countless courageous individuals such as ourselves who are willing to take on the risks that come from paving out new roads where none exist.

I don't think it's possible for a society to theoretically be acceptable of absolutely everything - for cohesion to keep the society together at all, there must be some form of shared, dominant, mainstream belief system - which means opposing those other views which directly challenge and have the potential to threaten it. Across time and space, there certainly have been cultures in which transgenderism was accepted to some extent or another, as well as other that have left absolutely no room for it at all. Our society seems to lie naturally somewhere between the two, given current contexts in an overall perspective. But by all means, that doesn't stop us from trying to gain as much recognition as is possible.

[ShawnRisk]

I am able to accept myself for who I am around the people I truly feel are open to this. The only thing is my Family who might not understand everything or anything for that happen.

For me, being on the bottom end of the ladder is okay. Looking up is fine, I never thought I would be in the middle or at the top. I know that for the most part you are born into the class you are in. Which if I am at the bottom, this makes me even more happy as I get to be unique in the way I do things.

As for showing my gender changes, I would love to do that but I know that I would never (at this point in my thinking) change myself from male to female physically. All I would like to do is have more items to wear which as a male is not possible. I love the skirts, the long hair and amazing shoes that girls get to wear. Would going up to the opposite gender (who is wearing really cute clothes) be crazy if you just want to talk about their fashion?

For sure we all have to work together to break down barriers and continue to make the world more accepting of our lifestyles no matter what this is. By doing this, we will really make other people sit up and take notice that there are other people we need to be accepting of. How do we continue to break down barriers?

I totally agree that not everyone can be accepted into society but we have to work towards that. If someone out there is hurting in someway we need to let them know that this is not the end and there will be a time when acceptance will be there.

[Kaisada]

I have reason to believe that my family will not be accepting at all - but we barely have a relationship as it is, so I doubt it would make a big difference if they decide to stop associating with me after coming out. If they still want to keep a relationship with you, they'd have to be given time and a lot of patience; if they're dead set on their traditional beliefs and give no room whatsoever for your perspective, then sometimes it's best to just let them be. I've seen a decent mixture of both scenarios in other trans and/or GQ people.

There isn't anything wrong with being physically male, but with a feminine personality and interests - so, talking about female fashion is really perfectly okay. You might encounter the occasional cold shoulder here and there, but there is always going to be closed-minded people, right? I know an MTF person who dressed in skirts and wore long hair for years prior to coming out or transition, and said that most people were perfectly okay with it - so it is doable.

On a base level, increasing acceptance requires increased visibility. Most people are not actively discriminatory, their negative reactions are due to an innate fear of the unknown. If anything, just be yourself and hold your head high - let the world know that people like yourself do exist, and are regular human beings just like everyone else. By doing so, you are also an encouragement to those peers walking a similar path.

[ShawnRisk]

I know that my family will try to understand but my parents are not going to be as open as they can be. From the past, I know that my parents never talk about this issue and when they do it is not in the most positive way.

As you are rights there are always people who are close minded and we need to work on others to bring the issue to the public. Once that happens, others who are closed minded will not be able to look away but they will still try. Is it the case, that we need to work on getting a boarder public support or work on changing the people at top?

I really needed to hear that, and am happy that I can start to talk to people about Female Fashion in the future when I am around the right people. I will for sure hold my head high, and try to walk in the circles that really make me me.

The problem now is being able to find the right person to date which has always not found me well. I am not sure where to look or even how to start to find someone. Is there like a certain way? I always miss the signs if someone likes me. Also, I have always looked for a soulmate more than just dating anyone out there.

[Kaisada]

I would think that the most effective approach to activism consists of a balance of both political and social pressure - the two have to work together and progress at a similar rate, or else, the one lagging behind will hold the other back. Being part of a community means that the work can be divided - some people devout large amounts of their time to political activism, while others lead their own lives and are quietly shaping the perceptions of those they encounter, by being successful in whatever they choose to do. Both roles are equally important - it's up to each of us to decide individually, which is more suitable for us.

Unfortunately, I can't help you with the relationships part, since I don't understand nor have any desire to participate in one - however, you mentioned wanting to find a 'soulmate', rather than just anyone. How do you define a soulmate, and what qualities must that person have? Usually, for any meaningful, deeper connection to be cultivated, a solid friendship based on compatibility must be the basis of the emerging relationship.

Either way, I wish you good luck.

[ShawnRisk]

Thanks for this. I am still scared about the female part of me coming out at all. I am not sure many people would understand and I just need to figure this out. I would need to find a woman that would be able to go with me to buy these clothes. I know that some men buy clothes for their daughters, wives or girlfriends but not for myselves. Would this be weird to do?

For the activism, yes you are right that the social and political need to go hand in and hand. I just feel both take a very long take to happen as people like to live in the past. With this, the whole way community forms is good and we need to just taking whichever community we are part of and build that up. Yet, finding the right community is always a challenge as the views of each group is different all the time. Do you have any criteria to finding a group?

Finding a soulmate is always hard for me but I know in the end everything will work out. What needs to happen is that I just need to be out there more. My definiation of a soulmate, is someone that I have lots in common with, and I connect with very well. For me, they don't have to look or act a certain way. My soulmate just needs to popup and come around the corner, so that we can date. I know that for this, I am going to tell more people and see if by doing that they can help me find someone.

Back to the female part of this question, is it normal for someone like my first to date a guy but be a girl? I mean people have told me in the past that Queer guys only like guys so if I transitioned to wearing women's clothes that would be a strike against me. Not to say that I would wear women's clothes all the time, just even the sense of this might scare them.

[Kaisada]

No, it's not weird at all to want someone to come along with you to buy female clothing, things like these are big steps and it's perfectly normal to be nervous - I certainly was on my initial transition-related shopping trip. It might only be for the first few times that you'll need that person there, though - as you grow more accustomed and confident, it'll be a lot less nerve-wracking.

I literally just google 'trans groups in *my city*' and try to attend as many as I can find, at least once. Every group is a bit different, there definitely are the more activism-centered ones versus others that are just relaxed social spaces to meet people and share resources. There are plenty of genderqueer-but-not-trans identified people in these spaces.

I haven't looked into LGBT groups nearly as much, so I wouldn't be able to help you on that one. I have heard plenty of complains from the diehard activists at one of the groups I do regularly attend, about the 'T' often being ignored by 'LGB' people in their own activism - but that's about it. It's worth trying out, though.

I'm a little confused by the last part of your question. Queer, from my understanding, can include bi- and pansexuals as well. Unless you are talking about genderqueer? - That's quite different. Gender identity and sexuality are independent of one another. Nonetheless, no matter whom you date, it's all okay.