Coming To Terms With My Sexuality and Coming Out

[Callie Sharma]

Hi,

So I've been questioning my sexuality for over 2 years and I'm now almost certain that I'm bisexual. I came out to one of my close friends who happens to be a lesbian and she was totally cool with it (but only because she's had time to get used to the idea - she did ask me out!). Anyway, I know who I am but still feel a bit in denial and would like some suggestions as to how I can get more comfortable with my identity. It's not that people in my family aren't supporting (they are), but literally no one in my family is LGBTQ. Except for me, of course.

Also, I'd like to come out to a select group of people: my sister, my parents (although possibly not my mom because I have had some issues with her), and 2 of my best friends. I'm gonna be point-blank with them because that's just my personality, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to do it. What are your suggestions for working up to coming out of the closet (to only these few, mind you)? I can't really afford to come out fully - I'm planning on getting an internship in my Republican State Senator's office, so no can do. Still, I've never been one for suppressing the truth, and I'm not about to start now.

As for my mom...well, the lady is an enigma. She claims to support gays and bisexuals but when she talks about people who are bi, she acts as if she thinks it's not natural, or at least as natural as I think it is. She'll say things like how she's pissed off that every TV show now seems to have a bisexual and how it's not that widespread, so it shouldn't be done on TV that way. She also makes references to bis as frequently being ostracized by both straights and gays (although she maintains that she's not against bisexuals herself), and when I brought up the possibility that I could be bi twice in the past two years (once in the beginning of eighth grade and once at the end of ninth grade), she shot me down because of the whole 2% thing and her own superiority complex (she thinks she knows for sure that I'm straight). What can I do to convince her that I really am bi and have her accept me, since I can't even guarantee that?

[Iris. ♥]

Wow. That's a tough situation. I'm really glad you're getting support from at least one of your friends. It's always great to know that you have some people who will always accept you for exactly who you are.

Coming out has got to be scary. As dorky as this might feel at first, practice in the mirror or the shower. Don't try to script it -- that can make it sound awkward. Instead, just practice getting the words out, until they sound natural. Also, don't tell them until you're ready. There's no pressure for you to come out right away. Wait until you know you're comfortable enough in who you are to take that step.

Unfortunately, there's no fool-proof way to make your mom see that this is who you really are. Hopefully, she accepts it and continues to love you. But, if she continues to deny what you know to be your true sexuality, drop it. Continue to be kind to her and continue to do what makes you happy. Once she sees that being bi-sexual doesn't change who you are as a person, she might become more comfortable with the idea. Also, if there is a GSA chapter in your area, take her to a meeting. It might help her see that there is nothing wrong with being bi-sexual, and that there are more of them out there than she thinks.

Good luck with everything!

[Callie Sharma]

One of the friends I'm planning on telling is actually part of my high school's GSA. I told my mom I wanted to join in the beginning of the year. She basically told me that she didn't think it was a worthwhile activity. The minor reason is that I'd occasionally miss Hebrew School (like once every two months). What I got from it (and what she nonverbally agreed with) is that she doesn't want people to start thinking I'm gay. I was a little appalled, frankly. I know that my mom loves me more than anything and will accept me no matter what I am (she's said this many times), but I'm holding back because our home life isn't perfect as it is (my little brother's autistic) and she doesn't need even more stress than she already has.

Anyway, the one friend (let's call her Harper) and I had a super indirect conversation in which I basically came out to her without actually coming out. Even though I'm in no danger of being kicked out of my house, she offered me her spare room just in case (I love my friends. A lot).

I've accepted in my mind that this is who I am, but I've been really afraid for people to see that play out. Even though I'm talkative, I'm a very private person. For example, during the first semester of freshman year, Alex (my lesbian friend) and I got to know each other better and ended up going to see a movie together a couple months later. Long story short, neither one of us can still figure out whether that was a date or not. I dragged on for 2 months trying to figure out my sexuality before she asked me out. I liked her, but...just not enough to risk my reputation. Maybe that sounds a little mean, but I'm a star student, musician, black belt, and good at almost everything I commit to. I'm planning on going places, and I was mortified at the time to have a public relationship with a girl. Still am, of course, but now it's more forced and less because of my own insecurity. I used to think this was me being weak before I realized it's just who I am. Any more little suggestions for how to come around to the idea of being openly (not just privately) bi?

Your advice from before helps a lot, by the way.

[Iris. ♥]

It doesn't sound mean at all. Coming to terms with your own sexuality can be really difficult. There was a time when I thought I was a lesbian. Sometimes, I still question it. What I do know is this: when you're questioning it, you'll try to find every excuse possible to go back to what you're used to. There's really not a perfect solution to make you feel comfortable being openly bi. But, it's not going to happen overnight. Try taking baby steps. Hold hands with Alex one day. Let people get used to that, then take another step forward. The important thing is that you move at your own pace. It doesn't matter whether everyone knows or not -- what matters is that you're happy.

[Lune]

Originally Posted by Callie Sharma

Hi,

So I've been questioning my sexuality for over 2 years and I'm now almost certain that I'm bisexual. I came out to one of my close friends who happens to be a lesbian and she was totally cool with it (but only because she's had time to get used to the idea - she did ask me out!). Anyway, I know who I am but still feel a bit in denial and would like some suggestions as to how I can get more comfortable with my identity. It's not that people in my family aren't supporting (they are), but literally no one in my family is LGBTQ. Except for me, of course.

Also, I'd like to come out to a select group of people: my sister, my parents (although possibly not my mom because I have had some issues with her), and 2 of my best friends. I'm gonna be point-blank with them because that's just my personality, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to do it. What are your suggestions for working up to coming out of the closet (to only these few, mind you)? I can't really afford to come out fully - I'm planning on getting an internship in my Republican State Senator's office, so no can do. Still, I've never been one for suppressing the truth, and I'm not about to start now.

As for my mom...well, the lady is an enigma. She claims to support gays and bisexuals but when she talks about people who are bi, she acts as if she thinks it's not natural, or at least as natural as I think it is. She'll say things like how she's pissed off that every TV show now seems to have a bisexual and how it's not that widespread, so it shouldn't be done on TV that way. She also makes references to bis as frequently being ostracized by both straights and gays (although she maintains that she's not against bisexuals herself), and when I brought up the possibility that I could be bi twice in the past two years (once in the beginning of eighth grade and once at the end of ninth grade), she shot me down because of the whole 2% thing and her own superiority complex (she thinks she knows for sure that I'm straight). What can I do to convince her that I really am bi and have her accept me, since I can't even guarantee that?

Hmm, No advice here bout coming out to family or friends. My friend figured out and then she told my other friend. Now my other friend is the one i go to from problems and such. For family, I would suggest tell them this is you, if you don't like it you just have to deal with it for a few more years, then you never have to deal with me again.

[Lune]

Originally Posted by Callie Sharma

One of the friends I'm planning on telling is actually part of my high school's GSA. I told my mom I wanted to join in the beginning of the year. She basically told me that she didn't think it was a worthwhile activity. The minor reason is that I'd occasionally miss Hebrew School (like once every two months). What I got from it (and what she nonverbally agreed with) is that she doesn't want people to start thinking I'm gay. I was a little appalled, frankly. I know that my mom loves me more than anything and will accept me no matter what I am (she's said this many times), but I'm holding back because our home life isn't perfect as it is (my little brother's autistic) and she doesn't need even more stress than she already has.

Anyway, the one friend (let's call her Harper) and I had a super indirect conversation in which I basically came out to her without actually coming out. Even though I'm in no danger of being kicked out of my house, she offered me her spare room just in case (I love my friends. A lot).

I've accepted in my mind that this is who I am, but I've been really afraid for people to see that play out. Even though I'm talkative, I'm a very private person. For example, during the first semester of freshman year, Alex (my lesbian friend) and I got to know each other better and ended up going to see a movie together a couple months later. Long story short, neither one of us can still figure out whether that was a date or not. I dragged on for 2 months trying to figure out my sexuality before she asked me out. I liked her, but...just not enough to risk my reputation. Maybe that sounds a little mean, but I'm a star student, musician, black belt, and good at almost everything I commit to. I'm planning on going places, and I was mortified at the time to have a public relationship with a girl. Still am, of course, but now it's more forced and less because of my own insecurity. I used to think this was me being weak before I realized it's just who I am. Any more little suggestions for how to come around to the idea of being openly (not just privately) bi?

Your advice from before helps a lot, by the way.

I get the feeling there. I joined drama club at my school here because they were going to write a script that involved the area's history and crap. Long story short, my parents find out, mi madre started screaming and yelling about fags and how no son of hers is going to do it. My father just laughed. I merely told her that I am doing it, if she doesn't want to see me doing that then she can take a pen and remove her eyes for all I care.

Moral of story, both of my parents hate anything that makes you "look" gay, and as such have been using insults and force to make me not act that way. So I get where you're coming from.

[Jennifer]

Sadly you want to know how I did it? I posted it on facebook and let people say what they want, if they did. All that came out of it though oddly was support. People going, "you're gusty for even posting that."

[Callie Sharma]

Originally Posted by Jennifer

Sadly you want to know how I did it? I posted it on facebook and let people say what they want, if they did. All that came out of it though oddly was support. People going, "you're gusty for even posting that."

Well, it is gutsy.

Actually, changing the tone of this thread a bit, my mind has been wandering a little and I can't figure out whether I'm bisexual or a lesbian. I'm fine with being either, honestly - I just need to know what I'm dealing with before I even think about coming out. Are there any foolproof ways to figure it out?