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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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relationship/guy friend issues? - June 22nd 2012, 06:37 AM

So I've had a boyfriend for the past 4 months. well officially four months but tecnically we've been together almost a year. I always thought we were perfect together and he's made me happier than anyone else can. But then a bunch of things happened. I got depressed. and with that, he made me less and less happy. Little things he did bothered me. I wasn't comfortable doing anything sexual anymore. he didn't really share anything with me so I started sharing less with him. we've always had a rocky relationship. Like for the past two months or so, since the beginning of may.. and recently ive been thinking of breakig up with him. Nothings the same. I dont feel like its how it used to be. But he says he loves me more than anythng. And he'll write me the sweetest things and I want to stay friends. I dnt want him out of my life. But he doesnt know if he could handle that. I don't know what I should do.
he doesn't trust me around my guy friends. I mean I like him I really do, but Im not crazy in love with him like I used to be. But anyway. I've always had this guy friend that I've been really close with. Lets call him X. He's three years younger than me, but that doesnt matter. Althugh people thinks its weird were so close but he acts my age. He was the first person I told about my self harm, I tell him absolutely everything. We werent always like that. It happened over time. But recently, idk. My boyfriend went on vacation for 2 weeks, he;ll be back in a few days, and me and X have recently gotten so close. we talk all the itme, we've been hanging out everyday. like sometimes its with other people. but even if we hangout in a large group we'll talk by ourselves. and like. I thought we were just best friends who were extremely comfortable around each other. since weve gotten really close in the past few weeks I've thought of him as my best friend and favorite person on the planet who does nothing to irritate me and always says the right things. People htink Im cheating on my boyfriend with him and it really bothers us. But we're just so close, its not anything more than friendly. We'll like lay on each other, hug everytime we see each other, help boost each others self esteems by saying sweet things. He always talks about how he really wants a girlfriend. And i told him he'd make a good bf, and he was like "well, you'll never know if I do...actually maybe you will someday." Like idk, and as I was resting my head on his chest, while we were talking and our crazy friendship issues with people, I realised, maybe all this stuff means something. Maybe I do like him. maybe all of this actually means something. All these compliments, and the hugs. But idk. Like, maybe I'd be happier with him. But I dont want to let go of my boyfriend and completely break his heart even though Im not even sure I can say I love him, I just cant do it.
   
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Re: relationship/guy friend issues? - June 22nd 2012, 12:53 PM

I think the underlying message with this problem is that you actually do have feelings for your best friend and it happens to a lot of people. However, you and your current boyfriend are on the edge of moving on, so, it may just very well be the end of the relationship. You aren't feeling it anymore, you aren't sexually attractive to him, and he's just moving on itself already. You both aren't pursing each other so, I don't think you'll be breaking much of a heart to begin with. I mean, you might, but I feel you both will be able to move on quicker if the relationship just ended in general. It just isn't working out anymore. With your best friend, you do need to realize that if you plan on having someone else as a partner aside from your best friend, you should leave the snuggling and sweet things to your future boyfriend. Your boyfriend should act as a best friend, but also a boyfriend at the same time. Just because someone is your best guy friend doesn't make it okay to do those things with him when you do have a partner. You may think it's about trust, which a relationship does require trust, but your hands should be on your boyfriend. Anyway, I do feel as the way you described it that you do have your ultimate feelings with your best guy friend. I think you should consider a relationship in the future with him to see where things go because you do seem happier with him. Even if you don't feel like you "love" your guy friend just yet, first try out a relationship and see where it goes from there. On the contrary, your best bet is to leave that current relationship because it isn't going anywhere. Good luck!




   
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Re: relationship/guy friend issues? - June 22nd 2012, 02:50 PM

Thank you so much I think you're right. the only problem would be him just liking me as a friend and completely ruining our friendship. And breaking my boyfriend's heart. Like every other seconds he's telling me that he'll never love anyone else and how he'll be ruined if he loses me and all these sweet sweet stuff. I should really get it over with.
   
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Re: relationship/guy friend issues? - June 22nd 2012, 05:12 PM

What I'm wondering is how it would ruin the friendship. If he's a good friend, he'll still be friends with you. However, the way he said "maybe in the future" stands out to me as well. He probably does want to be with you, but you have a boyfriend and he probably doesn't want to intervene with that. Even though, in a way, he already has, but he still respects that you have a partner. So, you really don't have to worry about ruining any friendship. He seems to like you a lot already. As for your boyfriend, needs to realize that he needs to consider your feelings too. If you aren't feeling anything, his feelings shouldn't be an excuse to keep you from getting out of the relationship. You are allowed to move on and break free if you want to. Break ups aren't easy, but sometimes it's the best choice you have in order to break free from the insignificant stress that you don't need.




   
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Re: relationship/guy friend issues? - June 23rd 2012, 08:35 PM

Your current boyfriend will eventually get over the heartbreak and move on. It's common to feel like you'll never love again after breaking up with someone you care about, but trust me, you CAN find love again. Your boyfriend isn't going to agree to it at the time, though, so you'll need to be firm with him and not give him false hope. End the relationship, because it's clear that you've already moved on emotionally.

With that being said, I feel you should wait before pursuing your best friend. I would wait at LEAST a few weeks, if not longer. The reason why I say this is because people tend to get closer to opposite-sex friends when they're going through a rough time in their relationships, and they may confuse those feelings with genuine interest in having a romantic relationship. You need to give yourself some time, so as to ensure this doesn't become a rebound relationship. You need to end things with your current boyfriend first, so you don't have that factoring into your decision. Then, you need to take a step back and decide if you were just turning to your best friend because things weren't going well with your ex-boyfriend, or because you genuinely want to date him. Finally, you want to make sure this is what YOU want, and disregard how your ex-boyfriend or best friend may feel. Don't date someone just because you don't want to break their heart (your friend), and don't NOT date someone just because you don't want to break their heart (your boyfriend). I assure you that people aren't quite as fragile as you think they are - both of these boys WILL eventually be able to accept your decision, whether they like it or not.

If your friend only likes you as a friend, then it may be awkward when you tell him how you feel, but he'll eventually get over it and be able to maintain a friendship with you. At least, one would hope that would be the case - he IS 14, so he may not handle the situation as maturely as you'd like him to. He seems to be more mature than the average 14-year-old boy, though, so here's to hoping things work out in the end!

Another thing I would suggest is that you stop spending so much time with your friend, until you can break up with your current boyfriend. Your friend will continue to have an influence on you, and when you break up with your current boyfriend, you need to know that you did it for your own sake, and not solely because you wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else. You may be telling yourself, "Of course I'm breaking up for my own reasons," right now, but in the future, you may look back and not feel as certain. You don't want there to be any resentment toward your friend, in case things don't work out with him. You'll want to know that you broke up with your current boyfriend because it wasn't a healthy relationship that couldn't be fixed, not because you took a gamble on your friend.


   
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