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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
mg306 Offline
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Guy drama._. - November 5th 2014, 08:12 PM

So, I've posted on here before about my boyfriend and I asked how to get him to stop cutting, but since then for the last about 3 weeks he's been in the phsych ward at the hospital and pretty much can't talk at all. We talked on the phone a few times and my mom, me, his best friend, his best friends mom, his mom, and his little sister allllll went to visit him, which kind of sucked because I didnt even get to talk to him really. Just a hug.

So anyway Monday he got transfered to a place like 4 hours away from here for 6-8 months and I didn't even get to say goodbye. His mom called me and said that he's only allowed to call home 2 times a week at scheduled times and I just don't see how thats gonna work. Like I dont wanna be an asshole but I cant have a boyfriend for 6 months that isn't really even my boyfriend because we can't talk. And I cant even break up with him because I cant talk to him!
And if I do meet with his mom to talk on the phone with him that would probably set him back, like I dont want to kick him when hes down.

But then of course, while alllll of this is happeneing these two other guys start talking to me. Now let me just tell you before my current boyfriend I've only dated one other guy like 11 months ago, like I hardly ever get attention from guys.
But for some reason these two guys start talking to me NOW of all times. Both of them are like super attractive. One is a body builder, and the other one is like a 6 foot 2 italian guy. PLUS they're both like super super sweet.
Like wtf out of the 12 months of the year every single year, two perfect boyfriend material guys start talking and flirting it up with me, WHILE i have a boyfriend, who I have no way to break up with because I cant even talk to the dang guy!
I mean of course I can wait for my boyfriend.. for maybe 2 months but I just dont understand how Im gonna be in a relationship with someone who doesnt really even exist in my life. And me and him have been dating 4 weeks so its not like were really serious or anything.

Ugh im just so confused and have NO CLUE what i should do helppp
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Guy drama._. - November 6th 2014, 06:09 PM

What makes you think those two are "perfect boyfriend material guys"? How well do you know them? To me it looks like your judgement is rooted in shallowness.

Doing any more but light flirting with them would be cheating in my book, because a relationship isn't officially over until one party tells the other party that it is. On the other hand I can understand your struggle, but make sure you dont regret the decision.
You're officially in a relationship. If those two guys don't know, tell them. If they did know and just tried to snatch you away, I don't think they're as "perfect boyfriend material" as you think they are.
I mean, they won't run away if you tell them you want to clear things up with your bf first (if they are serious about finding you special). Do that and use the time before you can meet your bf to make up your mind on what is really important to you, make plans.
Whatever decision you make, please think it through properly.

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Re: Guy drama._. - November 6th 2014, 06:47 PM

I understand how you are in a stressful place. You must be so overwhelmed with, first, your boyfriends mental health challenges escalating like they have, and second, for your own personal reasons of just knowing that this isn't what you bargained for.

I don't blame you for knowing that this isn't the relationship you want. I know it sucks that his mental health isn't bad, but you also need to feel supported in a relationship and right now he's gone. That understandably sucks for you even if it isn't something he could have controlled (after all, it's not like he asked to have mental health problems that severe)

I also understand that even if you could tell him that this is all just to much and you want out, that you'd have to worry that it would make things worse for him.

Have you considered talking to his mom? I would normally say to talk to your own mom, and you could start there, but I think maybe if you talk to his mom, then she can find a way to talk to him OR talk to the doctors/psychologists/general health care people where he is at in order to have them break the news in the most appropriate way so that he won't be set back AND so that if the mental health people know that this just happened they can take appropriate measures to make sure it won't affect him overly much.

I think you should try to settle things in that respect before moving on to these other 2 guys - they might think your single now because he's gone. Even if you want to be single, it wouldn't be fair to just date another guy without first letting your boyfriend know it is over (even though breaking that news is really hard in this case). It would make the blow even worse if he still thinks he's in a relationship, because to him it would probably seem like cheating because you can't just have a 1 sided break up.

Maybe someone else will know better.

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Re: Guy drama._. - November 8th 2014, 04:49 AM

I wouldn't even consider dating these two men and ditching your current boyfriend. Yes what is happening changes the circumstances and you are questioning whether it will work out or not, but really think this through because a heart is involved.

In a situation like this I would just take it day by day, and focus on you. If you get a chance to talk to him talk to him and ask him how he is. I bet he feels just as terrible for not being able to communicate with you but just know that this is good for him this is what he needs to get help. This isn't meant to break you both up, maybe it'll make you both stronger it is up to you dear.You have to be open-minded because this boy needs you and hes expecting you to be there when he gets better. Fight through it hun, no relationships are all rainbows you got to have some rain.

But if you feel you are ready to move on do so. Write a letter at the least and send it to the facility. He will be fine either way and he is in the right place to learn to cope as to when he gets out and you then admit hey I don't want you anymore and what not.

I hope I helped some.

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Re: Guy drama._. - November 10th 2014, 04:30 AM

I've been talking to them both for a few weeks now and we've hung out as friends in person. I know them both pretty well and I've talked to both of their friends. I told both of these guys the whole situation with my bf literally the first day that we met and they both respect it and haven't tried anything, just talking. And see I don't even know if I'll be able to hang out with my boyfriend after he gets out because he told me he's either getting locked up or put in a shelter. AND also not to say that what I'm doing with the two other guys is right, but while me and my boyfriend were dating he had sex with his ex and had been talking to her. He had a hickey on his neck as proof and the ex showed me their messages.
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Re: Guy drama._. - November 10th 2014, 04:32 AM

Well both of the guys know all about him, and i honestly don't think his mom will do any good. He's being locked up or put in a shelter when he gets out of rehab because his mom doesn't want him and right now she can only talk to him 10 minutes 2 times a week.
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Re: Guy drama._. - November 11th 2014, 03:47 AM

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a very unhealthy relationship. Good, healthy relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and boundaries. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't have a good sense of those things, between actively harming himself and cheating on you, let alone the fact that you've only been dating three weeks and he has already managed to do so. Your boyfriend is not in a good place and has a lot of work ahead of him to make himself a healthier person, if he chooses to do so. Hopefully his treatment program will help him. In the meantime, it's not fair of you to stay committed to someone who doesn't seem to treat your commitment very carefully or considerately. You can't be expected to stay with someone you've been dating three weeks when you won't see them for eight months or longer, if that's not something you feel up to. And this may sound callous, but he's probably in the best place he could be for you to break up with him: away from things he could hurt himself with and surrounded by people to support him 24/7.

I'm not encouraging you to break up or to stay with him; that choice is yours. What I am saying is don't stay with someone in a situation you don't believe is good for you out of a sense of obligation. If you want to be with your boyfriend, great; you can find a way to make it work. But if that's not what you want don't stay because you don't "want to kick him when he's down."

Let's eat some spectral oats!
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Re: Guy drama._. - November 11th 2014, 05:50 AM

How old are the other two guys? Are they close to your age range?

I would consider talking to his mom that you want to take a break from the relationship due to it being less than a month and you won't be able to communicate with him for 6-8 months. This situation is sort of unique but there is really little chance. If you can, consider writing a letter with your feelings.

If he is being locked up or sent to a shelter, it sounds like he had legal issues. If that is the case, then I would consider breaking up with him delicately.
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