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DanTheMan :P Offline
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kissed female friend but realised I'm gay, don't want to hurt her - December 8th 2014, 08:50 PM

So I had a party on saturday where someone came that I would class as a friend who I haven't known for very long. So anyway I got really drunk and I kissed her, because I knew for a fact she really liked me. I was so confused I didn't know how I felt about her, but now I do. And here's where it gets complex. I am definitely and unequivocally gay. But I'm not ready to come out yet.
The way I met her was through a friend who I have just started growing close to again. I'm happy about this as I feel we have more in common than I do with anyone who still goes to my sixth form (12th grade for all you americans out there xD). And these 2 tell each other absolutely everything. And my friend really wants us to get together.
I want to tell this girl we can't get together, but I can't just say "I don't want to" because she has suffered from depression and anxiety a lot in the past and no I feel so awful because I've done this terrible thing and its making me sick and I don't know what to do because I really really don't want to come out to her because I'm sure she'd tell our friend and then soon everyone would know because they promised to keep it a secret but didn't because they got drunk or something and I really don't know what to do
Ive never kissed anyone before, I don't know how I'm going to do this

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Re: Kissed my friend, very complicated - December 8th 2014, 09:09 PM

My advice? Own up to your mistake. While it may be difficult to tell her that you aren't interested it's even worse to let her continue to believe she has a chance with you when she really doesn't. The fact that she has depression and anxiety does not change the fact that you need to be honest with her. More than likely the longer you wait, the higher a chance of a bad outcome when you finally do tell her. So be honest. Let her know that you are sorry, but that what happened when you were drunk was not an accurate expression of your feelings for her. She will probably be hurt, but again, it's better to be honest with her now than to keep her guessing. You don't have to tell her it's because you're gay; coming out is a very personal decision and you shouldn't do it if you aren't ready. But in the future it's a good idea not to act on the feelings that you have when you're drunk. It usually leads to more harm than good.

Good luck and PM me if you need anything else.


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"I don't much care where-"
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Re: Kissed my friend, very complicated - December 8th 2014, 09:14 PM

Oh nononono, I was never even considering leading her on, I have to meet with her on wednesday because she left some stuff at my house, I just need to tell her in a way thats not gonna be triggering on low self esteem, but without coming out either, sorry I know this is bad, and I dont wanna upset her because I still wanna be friends because we get along really well and I dont want to fall out with her other friends either because actually I have more in common with that group than anyone I go to sixth form with and I was just starting to feel less shitty when I really screwed up


Sorry I'm rambling but I can't even think straight I've been freaking out all day and its getting really bad
   
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Re: kissed female friend but realised I'm gay, don't want to hurt her - December 8th 2014, 10:17 PM

First of all, stop and take a deep breath. There is no need to freak out. People make mistakes. You've recognized that you made one. Beating yourself up about it is only going to make things worse. So, instead of doing that, approach it from a rational point of view: "I made a mistake. I am going to fix my mistake." It may not seem like it, but taking away all the worry thoughts and the judgments will make the situation a little bit easier.

I didn't mean to imply that you are leading her on. I don't think you are leading her on. But she may construe it as being led on. Unfortunately, you are not in control of her responses. No matter how you tell her she may have a bad reaction, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, other than to be as forthcoming but gentle as possible. You are not responsible for her feelings, even if those feelings are a reaction to something you said or did. We each have to own our emotional reactions, depressed or not. So yes, she may react badly. But no, you aren't responsible for how she acts. I know that can be hard to wrap one's head around, but the more we stop taking on the emotions of others the less stressful things become.

It's possible that this could hurt your friendship with your group. No one can guarantee that it won't. But even though there's a chance it could it's no excuse not to do the honorable thing. Eventually the situation is going to come to a head whether or not you're ready for it to. It's better to address it early on than to let things fester. The longer you wait, the more likely it is things will end messily.

I know that it's really scary, but in the end it's better to do the right thing and apologize. It may not feel as good, but it's the best way to respect everyone's feelings.

It's important to note, though, that even though this girl and your friend are close that doesn't mean it's okay for your friend to interfere with your relationships. This is between you and this girl. Don't let someone else pressure you into doing or saying something you aren't ready for or don't want to. In the end it's your choice, and yours alone, what you want to do.


"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where-"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go."

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Re: kissed female friend but realised I'm gay, don't want to hurt her - December 8th 2014, 10:37 PM

Thank you for answering! I really hope we don't fall out, my sh has slowed down a lot since I made friends I genuinely get on with. I just can't stop thinking about what I'm going to do, the heating has been on all day for the past 2 days, and I have a jumper and coat and scarf on, and I just feel so cold, my visions gone really strange
   
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