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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Unhappy am I falling out of love ? - January 30th 2018, 10:09 PM

I could make this pages so as to go through the whole story and development of my thoughts about this but it's probably better to make this concise so I'll do my best to do that.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, it's the longest, most serious, and most fulfilling relationship I've been in. I've always been bad at communicating with my romantic partners because I guess I have trust issues and trouble with my self-esteem, and these parts of me are most apparent and sensitive in that context. Since I can remember I've always gone to friends about my relationship issues instead of directly adressing it with my partner, which is obviously a problem.

As I have in past relationships I have struggled in this one with these communication problems (a small thing he does makes me feel unappreciated / taken for granted / hurt in some way or another, and I don't bring it up, so it builds up I guess) and throughout the relationship have regularly felt let down or upset because of this, but not as much as with previous partners, because he has made me feel that bit more comfortable and confident in myself.

In the end of October of 2017 I developed feelings for a classmate without exactly realising it and acted on them. I felt terrible and told my boyfriend what had happened as soon as possible, we talked things through and it smoothed out. After that things were quite emotional for two or three weeks -- we were both still astounded that I could do that, I was strugling with the fact that I had feelings for both my boyfriend and my classmate/friend, and it led to us taking a one-week break upon my request to sort things out. I found myself missing him so we got back together again and things have been undramatic since.

The things is, these feelings I developed for my friend / classmate (I'll call him M) made me put into question my relationship with my partner (R), mainly because me and M were able from the start to be extremely comfortable around one another and communicate in a way I had trouble with R. As well as this, me and M bonded over our childish goofiness, something which has been missing quite a lot from my relationship with R... I don't mean that we can't laugh together, because we can and do, but it's always felt less natural. We were never friends before dating by the way, which can explain this in part.

Another thing i forgot to mention is that R is doing very intense studies which means we can have a quick chat every couple of days and only properly see each other on weekends, and even then he's often working at his desk.

Anyways for the past two months I've noticed that my feelings about the relationship fluctuate a lot from day to day, simply based on my emotional reaction to something he does or doesn't do. When i'm feeling negative about it, I feel really negative and feel that in the "good moments" I was blinded. When we've spent a good time together, everything feels fine and I feel that I was overreacting in the negative moments. I can't figure it out with logic, and I can't even trust my gut because it changes every day.

At first i staretd really putting our relationship into question because of my feelings for M, and although this does play a part now I'm mostly putting it into question simply on its own, because I feel like it may be unhealthy for me more so than me wanting to be with someone else.

The best way I can succintly explain it is that although I love spending time with him, although I'm incredibly attracted to him, although I do LOVE him, I often find it a struggle to be with him in the context of a relationship, which in some moments makes me feel like I'm falling out of love with him because the emotions I feel are exhausting.

I notice myself feeling more and more disconnected from him when we're hanging out, for the first time ever I slept next to him and felt absolutely zero physical desire, and whilst I usually talk and talk and talk about my love issues with friends if something happens, lately it's felt so tiring and cyclical that I don't even see the point of doing so, so I let it sit with me.

I sometimes contemplate the idea of breaking up, and as soon as I've explored every scenario from begining to end I suddenly feel this urge to shove thesse ideas away and to cling to our relationship. I don't know if I feel this because in that moment I realise that I really am in love with him, or if it's simply because I'm the type of person to cling to safety and habitual comfort, even if it isn't overall fulfilling.

If anyone has any thoughts about this it would be helpful to hear them. Thanks for reading this through.


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Re: am I falling out of love ? - February 1st 2018, 07:37 PM

It is possible that you are falling out of love but there are a lot of other possibilities as well. I think, you are the only one who can answer that and you are the only one who can figure out how to proceed. I have talked to people who have been together for quite some time and they admit that at one point they fell out of love but they were able to work through that. Relationships are ever changing and there are periods where one might feel like they have fallen out of love or they might feel like they would be happier single etc. For some people, that ends up being true and so walking away from their current relationship is best for them. There are other people who end up realizing they wouldn't/aren't happy when they walk away and they are able to reconcile with the person and have a happy relationship.

My dad's brother has been with his partner for about 40 years and he told me there were times where they broke up/took a break and came back to one another. This isn't what ends up happening for everyone though and there are a ton of reasons as to why.

If you aren't 100% certain what you want or you aren't 100% certain that you are ready to walk away you could consider looking into couples counseling. I know insurance tends to be really crappy with couples counseling but there might be a therapist who would consider helping you for a decreased fee.

I think you need to think a lot about what you want and what will make you happiest. If you think that leaving this relationship would be best for you than so be it. If you are doing what is best for you than that is all that matters.

Best regards.


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