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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Metal2017 Offline
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friends with benefits - June 1st 2018, 10:25 PM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Sorry for this long text but I thought itīs important to get all the background information and some details. Thank you so much in advance if you choose to read despite the length.
Iīve met this guy at school almost 2 years ago. At that time both of us were in a long term long distance relationship which also gave us a topic for conversations.
After talking at school, we began hanging out on some weekends. It was so much fun. There were no feelings, no attraction or anything like that between us. My boyfriend at that time was always jealous because of this guy because I would hang out with him and his (male) best friend until 4am on some weekends. I would have never cheated on him. However, I have to admit that I was thinking a lot about this friend. Especially because my relationship with my boyfriend was getting worse.

About 8 months ago the girlfriend of this friend I`m talking about broke up with him. I donīt know why but when he told me about it I was a bit happy... Then about 4 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me as well after 2 years of dating. Ofc I was sad but I also felt relief because this meant that I could now hang out with male friends as long and as often as I wanted. And it also meant that I donīt have to feel bad about thinking about another guy so often…

So for about a year I spent every break at school with this guy, sat next to him in every class we took together and spent a decent amount of weekends with him. Additionally, we texted almost 24/7 when we didnīt see each other. He is the one I had my first drunk experience with, the one I shared my first relationship and also my first sexual experiences with. We basically talked about everything. He was the first person in real life I shared my deepest secrets with. He always liked me the way I really am. I never had to pretend to be somebody else, never had to hide my true self when I was with him. So of course I liked this guy very much. I never had many friends at school, especially not close friends and by having him at school, school became so much more bearable. I wasnīt afraid to go there anymore. I was almost a bit happy because going there meant I would see him again.

Well as time passed and both of us were single now, I slowly got attracted to him. I never thought that he is handsome before but now when I look at him I think he is absolutely beautiful. For some months I was dreaming of kissing him but I am way too shy. I guess everyone could tell that there is more between us by the way we looked at each other and how we behaved next to each other. Maybe it was also just because we always were together at school, just the two of us. So many people asked if we were together even before anything really happened between us. Even our friends were making up stories about us getting married and stuff to joke about us.

I thought that my dream of kissing him would never come true. It might also be important to know that ever since both of us were single we were making dirty jokes and “pretended” to flirt with each other. Well, I thought that he was only joking even though I deeply hoped that he meant some of the things he said for real We were “joking” about being jealous if one of us talked to other people. We were joking about having a threesome with this one person and stuff like this hahah. We also watched 50 shades of grey together which was very funny and after that we would always joke about watching the other 50 shades of grey movies after our final exams. The joke part about this was him implying that people do "something else" while watching this movie, if you know what I mean.

After our final exams we stared to cuddle when we were drunk. We were cuddling in bed, drunk, but he didnīt even try to kiss me once. You know, all this time I was wondering whether he really only joked about all these things or if he really was attracted to me.
So when he didnīt kiss me while being in bed with me alone and drunk I was sure that he was just joking.
Nevertheless, I was really enjoying the time we spent together. We saw each other at school every day and every single weekend and being with him made me so happy. Most of the time we were with other friends as well.
One day we spent the whole day together, just the two of us, literally from the early morning until late night and this was one of the best days of my life. Normally I need a lot of time to myself because being with people is very exhausting for me. But with him it was different. We never got annoyed of each other and it was not boring a single second. This day I also went to a restaurant with his family. I felt so comfortable with them. I began thinking about him more and more and of course there was still my dream of kissing him…
Once, when we were cuddling drunk again a few weeks ago, he said that he would like to sleep with me right now but we cannot because we donīt have any condoms. Again no kiss tho.
I was now again wondering if he was just joking about these things because everyone knows that drunk people say the truth. So I gave a hint when we were texting. I donīt remember what I said exactly but I was like "you remember? when you were drunk the other day you said you wanted to sleep with me and drunk people always say the truth". I didnīt expect him to say that it was the truth. But thatīs exactly what he did: he said that he really wanted to sleep with me, as friends.
Of course we shared our opinion on one night stands and friends with benefits before. We knew that both of us think that sex isnīt something that could only happen within a relationship.
He asked what I thought about us having sex as friends. I told him that I would sleep with him but I donīt think itīs a good idea because I donīt want our friendship to be ruined. He was like: that wonīt happen, donīt worry. All of this conversation was over texting. So I didn`t expect anything when I went to see him again after this conversation.
I was also a bit insecure because we only cuddled when we were drunk and I didnīt want to sleep with him when weīre drunk. I thought it wouldn`t be a good idea to do it if we would not do it when sober.

Now a week ago I was at his house again like I was a lot the past weeks. We were spending some hours, doing normal friendsī stuff just like the past weeks. We also talked about us sleeping with each other again. Just a normal conversation kinda to make sure we really meant what we said when texting.
After some hours we went to watch a movie while lying in bed. This was the first time cuddling when we were sober. We watched 50 shades of grey which we were joking about months ago hahah.

After some time we began touching each other… and eventually we were lying there half naked. After watching about one and a half movies everything went so fast. I can only remember suddenly making out with him which was the best feeling in this world. I wanted to kiss him for so long and finally this dream came true. "Finally" is also what he said somewhere in between this make out session. I still donīt know if he said that because he has also wanted to kiss me for a long time. We ended up sleeping with each other that day. All I can say: it was amazing.

But since this day I am even more confused. I mean I know now that he was not joking about everything. But this is so strange and beautiful at the same time. We had vacation at the time so we didnīt see each other at school. The next time we met nothing happened because we were with friends and he had to go home earlier. But some days ago we met with friends again and afterwards he came with me. We had sex again. Not drunk either this time, and it was amazing again.
I am so confused. I donīt know what to feel anymore. I donīt know if I am in love with him. I donīt know what I am for him. I tried to convince myself that we are only friends with benefits which we are obviously because we are friends who have sex. I tried to convince myself that I donīt have feelings for him. But omg I think about him all the time, he makes me so happy, I want to spend every single minute of my life with him. I donīt even know what I want myself though. I want him but on the other hand I`m not even sure if I would want a relationship because I am afraid that it wonīt last, that I wonīt be able to make him happy, that things will become complicated.

2 days ago I went swimming with him. I swear people who saw us together could not tell that we are not actually in a relationship because we acted like all the other couples there. We were cuddling, holding hands, kissing. Even when we were alone in the car he held my hand. Afterwards we slept with each other again. Then we watched a movie while cuddling and kissing.
Seriously this doesnīt feel like friends with benefits anymore. I had to remind myself so many times that we are not actually dating. But that is exactly what it felt like. I mean friends with benefits would not hold hands, cuddle or kiss in public. I guess they would not spend as much time together.
To be honest I donīt even know whatīs the problem. Obviously I love spending time with him and doing all this couple stuff without actually having the commitments of a relationship.
But then again I feel kinda sad when Iīm home again after spending time with him knowing that he is not actually mine. Knowing that I donīt have a reason to be sad or mad when he doesnīt text me all day, because no relationship means no commitments. And I am afraid of what will happen in a few weeks when both of us will be finished with school. Probably we will live in different cities to go to university, he will meet another girl and have a relationship with her. Thinking about this makes me sad.
This feels more like an open relationship without future than friends with benefits. This is more than hanging out and fucking. We can talk about everything, spend way too much time together and act like a couple in public (at least when nobody who knows us is around).

What is also strange, however, for example he doesnīt even want to tell his best friend that we are more than friends. I hate not being able to talk about this with anybody. I hate keeping secrets. I cannot just tell my parents or friends who I am not that close with that Iīm sleeping with my best friend.
I hate not being able to kiss him or hold hands in public when people who know us are around.

Iīm not sure if I should just stop spending so much time with him, stop sleeping with him, stop kissing him. I know that if we continue like this I will continue to hope that he has feelings for me as well, that we will become a couple. And then I will be hurt even more in the end. But I also know that he is the only one who makes me happy, who understands me. I donīt want to lose him, I know that I couldnīt stop seeing him completely because he is like a drug. He is one of the best people I have ever met. In addition, even if he felt the same about me I donīt think that I would be ready for a relationship. I could not make him happy. How would this work anyway if we will soon live in different cities. Long distance relationship again? I donīt think that I could do this again.

I forgot to mention why I think that it is very unlikely that he feels the same about me. He said several times that like this both of us can get all the fun we want. He said that he doesnīt want a relationship. I mean he made clear in the beginning that we would have sex as friends, nothing more than that.
Nevertheless, he wants to see me and spend time with me as well and sometimes he is the one who asks if we can meet, but he doesnīt want to meet as often as I do. Sometimes he is the one who texts me first and he always answers my messages, but not as fast or often as me. He “pretends” to be jealous if I talk to other guys but I honestly cannot tell if he is just joking or not. He looks at me quite often and tells me that Iīm beautiful, he always searches for me at school, he hugs me and takes my hand, even kisses me voluntarily, he wants to cuddle for real. Iīm not sure if he would do all these things if I didnīt mean anything to him. Because I guess people are not normally like this. If they just want to have a friend to fuck with they wonīt make the effort to cuddle with them or ask to meet for any other purpose than sex.

Oh and he can already kinda tell that I feel something for him. Every time I hug or cuddle him my heart would just beat really fast and of course he can tell. He always asks why I am so excited, if he really is that amazing. Of course he can also tell because I ask almost every day if I get to see him.

If anyone is still reading: thank you so much. I would really appreciate reading your opinion. Should I stop seeing him? Should I take the risk of losing him and tell him about my feelings for him? Should I just continue like this and wait what will happen even though it is very likely that I will get hurt deeply?
If anyone has experience with these things or can give any advice I would also appreciate receiving private messages.

Have a nice day everyone.
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Re: friends with benefits - June 1st 2018, 11:49 PM

Hey there,

If you feel this strongly about him I think you are being unfair to yourself by continuing with the friend's with benefits. The reason I say this is because it's likely that your feelings are going to grow stronger the longer you continue. Not every friend's with benefits situation leads to a situation like this but when you develop feelings for the person and they don't feel the same or aren't interested in a relationship, you risk getting hurt even more if/when it ends. If he already knows that you like him, at least to an extent, it might be a good idea to discuss this with him. I don't know that talking to him will lead to you getting into a relationship but it might lead to you two being able to discuss things in a mature manner and come to a decision about how to proceed. Hopefully a decision that you feel is best for your own well-being. No one can outright tell you what is best but I do believe that you probably aren't being fair to yourself by continuing this because of the feelings you have developed.

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Re: friends with benefits - June 12th 2018, 10:46 AM

I think you should tell him about your feelings without expecting anything back from him ( I know this is really really hard) There are two options: he likes you or he sees you as someone he could have sex with without feelings being involved. If he likes you then you can have a normal relationship. If he doesn’t then my advice to you is that you should stop having sex with him because you’ll get hurt really bad everytime you’re close to him since you have feelings for him. You’re going to graduate. You can find many great people in the future who will be willing to have a relationship with you.
Sorry if I made grammar mistakes, English is not my first language
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Re: friends with benefits - June 12th 2018, 12:48 PM

I think you should talk to him. At the very least, if you both are comfortable and happy continuing with friends with benefits, then boundaries need to be drawn as to what friends with benefits actually means...is it just sex or physical intimacy in general like hugs and hand holding? How would you manage if the hugs were just friendly, and the sex was friends with benefits?

As it's been said, it sounds like you have feelings for him and this complicates things more. It's important that you are honest with him and yourself as the longer this continues, the stronger the feelings will get and this can cause a breakdown in the friendship if you realise you like him more than friends or friends with benefits and he is either unaware or not interested in a relationship.

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