Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Trigger maybe* break up

[Taylah]

I'm so fucked up right now.
I have been with this guy for almost 4.5 years, and almost 2 of which we have been engaged.
He left me. And I'm still completely in love with him despite the fact that I was going to break up with him a month ago. I talked myself out of it and said it was his meds.
I honestly don't know how I'm not going to KMS over this. Coz I'm broken.
I'm in constant state of panic attack.
I don't even know if I'm going to have no where to live in like 2 weeks... I'm broken and trying to study.
My other safe place has been compromised and he is watching it to make sure that I'm okay. But it means I can't post there anonymously anymore.
Idk I'm done.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are here to listen and help. You are not alone; I promise.

A little over a year ago I was in a similar position as you. The love of my life broke up with me, out of the blue, after nearly five years together. We weren't engaged yet, but we had every intention of getting married when I was more stable. It was the most serious, loving relationship I'd ever been in, and I was crushed. I didn't think I could live without her. I ended up in a psych ward because of it. I told myself in a year, when we went our separate ways, I would cease to exist.

Well, it's been over a year, and we went our separate ways. Yet here I am. I am not suicidal (in fact I haven't been in a psych ward since January). I am not self-harming anymore (3 months clean to the day). I feel happy and content in myself. Life is actually pretty good.

My point is, you don't know where you'll be in a year. Things can change SO much in such a short amount of time. I know it hurts. I can only imagine how crushed you are. But your life doesn't need to end just because your romantic journey with him is over.

The other thing I've learned is the importance of caring for yourself. I am still single, fifteen months later. And I like it. It's given me time to grow, and as much as I hate to admit it, that wouldn't have happened if I had stayed with her. I'm not saying you're in the same position, but I suspect you might be. You're young. You are in the prime of your life right now, even if it doesn't feel like it. The early twenties are such a magical time and my hope is that you can come to enjoy it and use it to grow.

As for worrying about the future, I would consider taking things one step at a time, moment to moment. Are you still on good terms with your boyfriend? Do you have a counselor, social worker, parent(s), or medical professional you can trust? They might be able to get you in touch with resources if you're struggling, but emotionally and for housing purposes.

I know it hurts, but I believe you can make it through. You can forge a new path. I'm here for you if you want to talk.

[Mallika]

Hi Taylah,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm so sorry that things turned out this way with your boyfriend.

The harsh reality I have learnt about life is that things sometimes just don't go the way we want it to, no matter how much we've yearned or worked for something.

I'll tell you of a real-life incident I read on Quora. There was this man who had been dating a girl for around 8 years. They were in a serious, committed relationship and he had even paid for a chunk of her university tuition fees. But despite everything, things didn't work out; the girl left him. He was shattered, needless to say. But things looked up for him; he moved to the United States and soon met an American woman, to whom he got married within a matter of months. They are in a happy marriage now, with children.

Sometimes the time we spend with someone and the experiences we've had with them aren't a guarantee of the future we'll share with them.That's just how cruel life can be, but it isn't the end of the world. Conversely, we might think we are doomed for life because someone left us, but things can turn 180 degrees. Things do look up. As far as emotions go, it will take you time to come to terms with all that has happened, so be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to recover, and take it one day at a time. Like Eli said, let the focus now be on self-growth. You're young and you have what it takes to dovetail your energy into pursuits that will be healthy and meaningful for your emotional wellbeing. So once you're settled into a house and are at a better place mentally, spend time on those ventures that will allow you to grow, build self-sufficiency and stability (e.g. a career, studies, vocation).

From what I've seen, the relationships we get into in our late teens/early twenties sometimes tend not to work out. I had a friend who was in a long-term relationship with a guy. They started their relationship in their late teens, but after 3-4 years, when my friend had to move to another country to pursue her studies, he cheated on her. She was devastated. I was shocked, because we all expected that they'd get married or something, given the rate at which they were going. I'm not trying to say that all late-teen/early twenties relationships are fated to fail, but it's probably got to do with age and maturity. One individual in the relationship could be ready for a lifetime of commitment, while the other person might not be at that stage yet. My mom told me to not date in university, and when I was younger, I thought that was crazy. But I've begun to see where she was coming from; while we might be mature and ready for long-term commitment, our partner might be on a different page. While I've not dated, I was in love with someone for 4.5 years just like you, but he rejected me several times. I was madly in love, and thought I'd never give up. But recently I've come to terms with his rejection, and moving on has been much, much easier than I'd imagined. That's why I want to assure you that it's not too late - this is a passing cloud; a slow-moving cloud, but definitely a passing cloud. A few months or a year from now, you will have accepted what happened and be ready to move on.

Regarding where you are going to stay, perhaps you might want to reach out to your parents, a close relative like an aunt, or a close friend? People will be compassionate when they know your story, so don't be afraid to reach out and explain your circumstances. And like Eli said, try getting in touch with a counsellor, perhaps someone whom you have interacted with before, if not another counsellor in your local area. Nowadays, counsellors are holding virtual appointments as well, and depending on where the counsellor works (e.g. private practice or public healthcare), they might be of low-cost/free.

If you'd like to chat about anything at all, feel free to get in touch with me.