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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Question Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 7th 2009, 07:17 PM

I have posted on these boards numerous times. The last post I made was about how I had finally gotten myself into a happy, loving relationship. As you may know from earlier posts, I had been brokenhearted over another guy before getting with Ethan, my current beau.
Anyway, I have never told anyone how our relationship really started, except for a few people. A couple weeks before it happened, we were texting each other. The conversation got kinda dirty, and before I knew it, Ethan kept asking me to send him either a picture of my breasts or my area "down there". I did take a couple pics of my breasts with my phone, but I used my better judgement and decided not to send them. Ethan apologized for pressuring me. I forgave him.
About two weeks later, I was talking to Jacob on the phone, the guy I was interested in. I had liked him for three years, and he didn't want me back. Of course I was hurt, but I found an incredibly great friend in him, and through the heartbreak he helped me with my troubles. Because of my depression though, I didn't always treat him as well as I should have and I said things that weren't so nice. I didn't insult him, but I wasn't always pleasant. During this particular conversation, we ended up talking about how he was taking this girl he really likes to prom and how that was hurting me. I thanked him for breaking my heart and I sarcastically told him I hoped it would help him sleep that night. After we hung up, I felt bad for saying that.
I felt so bad that I suddenly remembered my psychiatrist's idea about having a Wii party. I decided that I wanted to do it that weekend so I could feel better. My mom agreed to let me have it. I invited Ethan because I figured a little healthy flirting could be good for me and could maybe help heal my busted heart.
That Saturday night things were going great. My brother and his girlfriend were there, along with my friend Annamae and her cousin Madison. Ethan came at 9 because he had to work that day. Annamae and Madison left around 12, and that's when Ethan and I started flirting. I had been siting in a recliner and he was on the couch, but I somehow ended up laying with him on the couch. He tickled me and we flirted and I was so thrilled. But then things got bad. He took my hand and put it on his pants, just above his area. Then, he took it out of his pants and told me to grab it. Not knowing what to do, I did what he said, although I was starting to feel scared. After a while he whispered in my ear that we should go out to his car. I kept refusing, saying that my brother would know what was up. However, just minutes later, I found myself inside his car.
There, he asked me to give him a blow job, after he practically made out with my breasts like he was never going to see boobs again. I refused once again and told him I wasn't ready for such things. He kept asking, and I told him if we were dating, then maybe. He told me we could start dating after prom, which was just a week away. He said he didn't want to start dating just then, because he had some drama with his prom date and he didn't want to drag me into it. After more persuasion on his part, I ended up doing it. He also managed to convince me to jack him off, and he asked if I could masturbate for him, and he undid my belt. I said no, and we ended up going back into my house. We had been in his car for about a half hour and it was 2:30 in the morning. Ethan left shortly after that, and I made a mad dash to the bathroom to rinse my mouth out with mouth wash and to scrub my hands. I felt disgusting and slutty.
We texted throughout that next week, and I asked him about our relationship status. He told me he didn't want a relationship at the time, and that we were just "really good friends". He said if Facebook had a "Friends with Benefits" option, that's what we would put. I was angry and hurt. I told him it wasn't fair of him to do that to me, so he then said we were in an open relationship, which made me feel slightly better. That weekend during prom, we became official.
We've been dating ever since, and I don't know if this is a good or bad relationship. After just two days of us dating, he showed his d**k to another girl. Many times when we are together, he texts other girls and ignores me. He often asks if I will give him "road head", and he wants to touch me. He encourages me to drink alcohol at parties, which is something I never used to do before dating him.
However, there have been many times where he has been the model boyfriend and has made me so happy. My parents absolutely adore him, and his parents love me. He gets my offbeat personality and loves my randomness. We have had a lot of fun together.
I am just confused about what this relationship is. I don't know if I'm overeacting to common situations, or if it's just because this is my first serious relationship. I just need to know what's really going on here: Am I being blinded by the niceness so that I will give Ethan what he wants, and being used, or is this a perfect relationship and I'm just being paranoid?

Last edited by Shattered_Girl; July 8th 2009 at 05:00 PM.
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 7th 2009, 07:30 PM

I'm sorry first of all that he is treating you this way, to be perfectly honest the way this Ethan behaved at your house that time was unacceptable and he should have respected you when you rightfully said no to his requests.

Instead he ignored you when you refused and pressurised you into doing it anyway. This really wasn't right on his part, not at all your fault. But believe me when I say this. This is not what you want. I know from personal experience, do not ge into a relationship where your partner doesn't accept where you draw the line.

It seems to me, however hard it is for you, this guy is using you for pleasure only. He doesn't respect you or seem to show you any love. It doesn't matter what either parents think of you or him. This is up to you and that shouldn't influence your decision.

I'm glad your happy, but you deserve more than this shabby relationship. I don't think your over-reacting and I think he is using you. I suggest you talk to him about this, if he once again ignores you. End it before it gets too out of hand.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. How do you feel about ending it with Ethan? I can't tell you what to do, but I, along with other people, don't want to see you get hurt.

My PM Inbox is always open if you want to talk to someone.

Keep us posted.

xx
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 7th 2009, 07:40 PM

These are not common situations... in a healthy relationship. He has been using you ever since he asked for dirty photos, and now it has escalated into something much worse than that. Because this is your first "serious" relationship (if one could even call this a relationship, given how one-sided and abusive it is), you haven't had a chance to experience what true love is, and how a physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy relationship should be.

Ditch this sick f*ck. Your parents may be pleased with him, based on what they've seen and what they know, but if you were to tell them the whole story, I can guarantee that they'd freak out and tell you the same things that the people on TeenHelp are likely to tell you.





   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 8th 2009, 04:02 PM

Doesn't sound like a safe relationship, Really sounds like it can change into something you shouldn't deal with. Seems he wants you for sex acts and there alot of sick people out there with sick things in mind.

Please be safe if you stay with him But please please read what Robin and Lil-x have said.


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Whispering lies"
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 8th 2009, 05:06 PM

I am considering breaking up with Ethan, but it's just so painful. I just don't want to end up making a big mistake.
It's just so hard. I was listening to the song "Listen to Your Heart" last night, and I started crying. I know Ethan's done me wrong in the past, but what if he changes?
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 8th 2009, 06:36 PM

The way hes treated you... Really.. Isn't nice to be honest...

If you cant break up with him, Id sit down with him and run through all the things that are bothering you with him, and if he doesnt want to do that, then that really is unfair.

Honestly you can ask yourself if he'll change for weeks and months, but asking you to drink and everything just sounds like he wants you for sex to be honest... He shouldnt be pushing you in anyway at all.. Ok a guy can ask but if you say no, he shouldnt really push it...

Maybe ask him to stop with all the sex talk for a month or so, if he does... then maybe he is a decent guy...

GOod luck!



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Do something that is interesting. If it is not interesting, find out why it is not interesting.
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 8th 2009, 06:53 PM

Definitely not a good guy. No boyfriend should pressure his girlfriend into uncomfortable things or situations especially after you've said no. Guys like him don't change and you should break up with him yes it hurts but that pain is better than dealing with years of heartaches by staying with him.
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 8th 2009, 07:22 PM

Hun, Im really sorry, but this guy will not change. I for one have been through the "I'll change, I promise" talk. It never happens. Im sure numerous people will agree with me here. This guy is treating you so badly, you don't deserve to be trampled all over in this using manner. Don't hurt, it's ok to cry. But not over guys like this.

He isn't worth your tears hun, this wont be a mistake. You do not want to get further into this sort of abusive mess. You'll end up getting hurt a lot more than if you get out now. What else has he done recently? Made you do anything else?

I feel so hypocritical but saying this I mean it, do not feel pressurised, certainly not by this sick guy. He is in the wrong and you need to realise that. I don't want to be harsh or partonising, but he isn't going to change. He's controlling you and using you for sexual favours. With no love.

Ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship you really want to be in?

xx
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 8th 2009, 09:04 PM

Oookay, you're in a bit of an issue you.

I lost count of all the red flags popping up while reading that.

Please do not hesitate to PM me. I'm going to try to help you through this as much as possible and I'll need you to be open and talking too.

If I would call this a relationship, it would be a very unhealthy one. Look at his motives from the very start. He asked for pics of what he has no right to see right away, and pushed you. He is not sorry. How do I know? Because the moment you two were alone, he took it way further. He was using you, I won't candy-coat that fact. You seem like a pleasant girl, not a girl that would throw her body to a guy willingly like he was pushing you to. He shouldn't beg for it, rather, in a good relationship, listen to this, you would want to offer that for him. Did you want to? No. Did he keep pushing you? Yes. Did he make you feel like a slut? Yes.
That's where it had gone way too far. The moment you're so far out of who you are and are submitting to being treated that way to feel like a slut, he's tried to demoralize you and use you only for his own pleasure; sick animal he is.
He won't change any time soon, I assure you of that. There's the guys that have been in relationships for a while and maybe they get a bit horny for a bit and ask for a few things that the girl refuses - If the guy is truly remorseful, he'll change fast because he loves and respects the girl. Did he show you any respect? He won't change, I've seen it many times. It takes a lot, it takes more than you are ever capable of doing for him to help, more than he can ever do on his own. A relationship to "help" him change will only further encourage his lust for corrupting and using girls, and at this moment that girl is you if you let this continue.
Even the way you were describing what he was doing sort of tells me he's done things like this before, and partially confirmed it by showing his manly areas to other girls only two days in to dating you.
Do you want loyalty? He has none. Ever consider that maybe he's "dating" other girls right now too, and you're just being used on the side? I wouldn't put it past him.
Do you want respect? He showed you disrespect from the start, and he's not changing and he simply won't for you. He wants to use your body, that's it.
Do you want love? You can't have any love from him if he's so absorbed in your physical body, and doesn't care for your heart, rather, he makes you feel like a slut.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? That's always a good question to ask for a relationship. Would this make you happy, for the rest of your life. Don't lie to yourself either, please. I know you know what's right here.

The only mistake you could make right now is letting this situation be.

Either get rid of him, or talk with him, and do not be alone when you two talk. Make sure someone's ready for you, because he could start all over again and probably would, given the chance.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you felt disgusting and slutty. Yes, it's painful, I really do know, but without telling him he's free to use you even more, disregarding your heart and feelings.

Please, even after you talk if you do... don't give him another chance. If he wants a chance, give it to him by saying try dating for 6 months without problems with loyalty, without getting heavy in sexual things, without going after your boobs or touching them in any way, without going after other pics of you, without touching you sexually, without making out, without blowjobs, without even showing his penis let alone having you touch it, without dirty talk. If he can accomplish this, bravo, but I know he won't.
And yes, it's possible for all that, I have experience and I've seen.

I'm going to leave you with a verse from the bible. I know you may not be Christian, but it's about love, and it stands even if you are not a Christian.
I've had many people agree with this that are actually against Christianity.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 :: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Has he been patient and kind? Has he been arrogant or rude? Has he insisted on his own way?

Yes, love, it's a big word, but if he can't treat you with love from the beginning I would say it's not worth it.
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 9th 2009, 12:25 AM

Thanks everyone. I just feel so stuck right now. He's in Colorado till the tenth, and I feel bad for considering breaking up with him while he's gone. And on top of that, when he gets home I'm going to have to kiss him and act like everything's fine, when it isn't. I hate lying. Plus, maybe you guys will roll your eyes at this, considering how you feel about what Ethan's done to me, but I don't want to hurt him by telling him the truth.
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 9th 2009, 01:13 AM

Thanks everyone. I just feel so stuck right now. He's in Colorado till the tenth, and I feel bad for considering breaking up with him while he's gone. And on top of that, when he gets home I'm going to have to kiss him and act like everything's fine, when it isn't. I hate lying. Plus, maybe you guys will roll your eyes at this, considering how you feel about what Ethan's done to me, but I don't want to hurt him by telling him the truth.

This is the problem though, he has you in a vise.
Listen to me very carefully.
You do not have to do anything when he gets home.
This is another proof for a bad relationship: You feel you have to lie to him.
I can understand not wanting to hurt him, but honestly, he may not be hurt. Pissed, yes, because he lost a toy. But probably not hurt, even though he will say it to manipulate you.

I know you have feelings for him, but this is a horrible thing for you. Do not act like everything is okay, that is only giving him free reign to do whatever he wants with your body until there is nothing left, and he'll leave your bruised and bloodied heart on the side of the road, no remorse. No guilt, he got what he wanted.

Are you prepared to have your morals thrown out the window? Are you ready to feel violated and slutty again because of what he does in disrespect?
Believe me, I know this is harsh, but it's the truth. That is why you need to get away from him.
Let's put it this way. He's intent on going far. Are you ready to support a child?
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 9th 2009, 01:57 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Annoni View Post

This is the problem though, he has you in a vise.
Listen to me very carefully.
You do not have to do anything when he gets home.
This is another proof for a bad relationship: You feel you have to lie to him.
I can understand not wanting to hurt him, but honestly, he may not be hurt. Pissed, yes, because he lost a toy. But probably not hurt, even though he will say it to manipulate you.

I know you have feelings for him, but this is a horrible thing for you. Do not act like everything is okay, that is only giving him free reign to do whatever he wants with your body until there is nothing left, and he'll leave your bruised and bloodied heart on the side of the road, no remorse. No guilt, he got what he wanted.

Are you prepared to have your morals thrown out the window? Are you ready to feel violated and slutty again because of what he does in disrespect?
Believe me, I know this is harsh, but it's the truth. That is why you need to get away from him.
Let's put it this way. He's intent on going far. Are you ready to support a child?
I second this. I don't care how nice or sweet the guy is, he does NOT deserve you. He is pressuring you into sexual relations you don't want to have, and that is NOT a good relationship. When you say no, that should be the end of the story. Don't be afraid to say no to him, and don't be afraid to back it up. It's your body, he has to respect it.


If at first you don't succeed, try try again. If you still don't succeed, redefine success.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 9th 2009, 03:50 AM

I wish this wasn't so hard...
   
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Re: Confused! Warning: May Contain Mature Content - July 13th 2009, 12:31 AM

I have an update. A couple nights ago I decided to have a talk with Ethan. We went on a walk, and I led him to a park. We sat on the swings, and I told him everything that was bothering me. He cried and said he felt terrible about everything. He promised he would change, so I gave him a second chance.
   
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