Not allowed to be mad

[primal moo]

Heya

I'm not sure I'm looking for advice, but I definitely just want to unload a little.

My gf and I have been together for about a year and it's been exclusive, serious and committed. I love her to bits and I have no trouble seeing this go on and on and on.

Trouble is, we don't really argue. That might not sound like a bad thing, but it's like we can't argue. When she gets anywhere close to mad, she just starts crying, breaks down and stops talking... and things generally end with me having to drop everything and be as understanding as I can manage or else she just ends up sobbing there for hours, which neither of us wants.

When I get anywhere close to mad, she... well... starts crying, breaks down and stops talking. And the crappy part of it when it happens this way is that I get stuck with all these things I want to say, all these things that I'm finding hard to live with, but can't say. Half of it is being afraid I'm just going to make her cry again, and half is just pure frustration from never getting any closure.

We've talked about this before, but you can probably imagine how each discussion ends. If she can manage to stop crying, she says she's trying really hard to work through her feelings, her old habits (growing up in her house, "getting angry" meant a lot of punches getting thrown around), but I still feel like there's all these frustrations building up inside me. I can whine about it to friends, but that doesn't really solve anything because it's really her I need to work this out with.

::sigh::

Thanks... I just needed to let that out.

[PSY]

Has she/is she seeing a counselor about her past abuse? If not, then I strongly suggest she does. The two of you need to be able to talk about your problems, without having her dissolve in a sea of tears every time. Not only is it affecting your relationship, but it's probably affecting other areas of her life as well (ex. arguments with friends and reprimands from bosses/teachers). It's also affecting YOU, because you can't say what's on your mind, and you can't find peace regarding these various issues.

Once she's had some one-on-one sessions with a counselor, the two of you could have joint sessions with that same counselor, and start talking about all the things you've been keeping pent up. The counselor could act as a mediator, helping her cope with the anxiety that surfaces every time she's confronted with anger.

Sometimes, people cry as a defensive mechanism as well. In the past, crying may have embarrassed her abuser(s), to the point where they would simply leave her alone. Perhaps, somewhere in the back of her mind, she sees crying as a way to avoid discussing the issues you bring up. Hopefully, this isn't the case... but the only way to find out for sure is to see a counselor.

[Xujhan]

You're right that you need to work this out with her, but even if she weren't easily upset, getting angry isn't the way to do it. Take some time to think about what's bothering you, figure out what you want to say, then talk to her. Stay calm, be reassuring, let her know that you're not pressuring her at all, and that you don't have to talk about everything at once. Let her know that it's okay for her to voice her feelings; that you won't get angry with her regardless of anything she says. Let her know that if she starts feeling uncomfortable, it's okay to ask to stop.

In short, be as supportive and non-aggressive as you can. If she still can't handle talking about anything, there's really nothing more you can do.

[alysaurus]

Having serious discussions with someone who has suffered abuse is never easy. I think it's touching that you've been with someone with such issues for so long and are helping her, so kudos to you! PSY already said this, but if she and her family need help if they are still living in the conditions you said before.

Everyone gets angry, but different people have to deal with it in different ways. Although I can't imagine why, some couples actually find it to be a stress-reliever to yell and all that at each other, then make up later. However, there is also to polar opposite that perhaps you should try.

Whenever something happens that makes you feel angry and you feel the need to talk to her about it, keep in mind how she will react. Be sure you are somewhere quiet and private and talk to her about whatever it is, but start with "I'm not angry at you, but..." This might be a lie, but for now, it will help you bring the problems you two are having onto the table.

I doubt anyone can continue that strategy forever or for every situation. As I said, anger is normal. It would be irrational to think you and her will never feel like raising your voice and starting an argument. Plus, holding all of this back is hurting her; you can probably see this by the way she ends up breaking down that way. I suggest you try to get her to get help for stress management in the long run, but use the above strategy for the time being.