Confused and alone

[Alpha Ray]

For two years now I have been alone. The kind of loneliness where one takes 3+ hour long bike rides just to talk to himself and stays in his room for most of the day. I have also been depressed and regretful for the past 2 years. I had a chance with an amazing girl 3 years prior, but I let her go under false pretenses.

There seems to be a solution to this problem of mine though. But even in a solution there lies another problem which I am having a hard time understanding.

As mentioned above I fell for a girl freshman year, and haven't been able to get over her. Initially She and I were interested in each other but I had a snaking suspicion that it was circumstantial, considering she had just recently broke up with her ex (who is now her current bf). I assumed that in her emotional state she might just use me as a crutch to get over her ex, and that a real relationship couldn't actually have come out of it. So I pushed her away, as much as I didn't want to.

*Of course in hindsight, and with explanation on her side, that wasn't the case. Infact she has expressed that she was very much interested in me and still is.*

After pushing her away we went through a 2 year period of not talking, which was helped by the fact that my best friend moved away. During this period of time she moved in with her Ex/ NonEx, at the age of 16. Not the wisest of decisions but then again what do I know.

On my end things got pretty bad, social interactions became scant. I went from normally having things to do on weekends to just sitting around. This was all helped by the fact that I rarely made friends with people, just mutual agreements. Alot of people know who I am, and are aware that I am a kind, smart, and fun person to be around *Provided I can trust them* , but they never seem to want to hang around me. I assume its because I have very little social context.

Of course its not all bad. This loneliness has forced me to find means of entertaining myself. So I am often reading, watching movies, or researching topics that interest me. If I hadn't gone through this I wouldn't have discovered my love for physics and philosophy.

But it seems that things are beginning to change, not entirely,as I am treading lightly. Recently I found myself talking to the girl mentioned above. We found our way onto the subject of what had transpired between us, and I proceeded to tell her just what I told you. She corrected me and told me that wasn't the case at all, in fact it was the exact opposite.

I felt relieved, actually more so then I can describe, the idea had been ruminating in my mind for so long I was more interested in getting rid of it then fixing it. She left me with this at the end

"You're the only other boy I could see myself with, still, I hope you don't get scared off by that."

*this was sent in a message not in Im (it will become relevant soon)*

Before I could respond back, which I ultimately got to later that night, she imed me and we agreed to keep talking and start a new as it were. So after our conversation ended I sent off the last message which stated my interest in getting back together with her after she was over her current boyfriend. I also added some other mushy gooshy things in there to make it sound romantic and to flatter her, you know the usual.

The next day, some time after dinner, I received a text from asking if I wanted to hangout (of course i wasn't going to say no!), she said her and her boyfriend had just got into a fight and they broke up( although she said it wouldn't last long). I found it a lil coincidental considering the contents of the messages we sent back and forth. But she said it had nothing to do with me.

At any rate it was far to late to kinda hangout, so we arranged for the next day. But the conversation that continued was something of interest. She said that it was good that we didn't hangout that night because she might have been touchy feely and would have done something bad.

*I am a pretty moral person, and I am sure I wouldn't have let her do anything she would have regretted.*

she also stated that she was really happy that i was back in her life, which made me so happy.

The next day comes, I show up where we were supposed to meet, and she bails. Her reasons were legitimate though, she couldn't catch a ride. The next day comes and unexpectedly she calls and asks if I wish to come to her house. Of course i was caught off guard so I wasn't really planning on making any advances on her. I was more interested in seeing her and seeing if she was still the same person. She was still the same person I fell for 3 years ago, and she hasn't changed a stitch.

But since that day I have been trying desperately to see her again. And she seems reluctant to do so. Now I am not a stupid kid by any means, and of course my first assumption was she doesn't feel the same about me any more. But i soon found out that was not the case. She had expressed to my best friend the she was sad that I had left. I am also aware that she is pretty popular (at least by my lonely standards) and she also works so I know she has very little time.

I also found out some not so good information on her relationship with her boyfriend. He cheated on her after she had moved in with him. I am not going to lie, I have met the kid before and he is pretty loathsome to be honest. Not too bright, has an affinity for pot, and is kinda aimlessly walking through life. In turn she was tired of him, but stuck because she lived under his roof. So she cheated on him as well. At this point my guess is the relationship isn't really going strong .

I am not really sure what to make of the situation to be honest. I am kinda walking on unsolid ground.

I am going to be a tab bit hubristic here and say that I am 1000 times better then what she has right now. I respect her, I love all the idiosyncrasies that make her so unique, I love hanging out with her when she is happy, so inturn i really like to make her happy. I am also worried that if she gets back with this guy she will be lead further and further away from me and possibly a decent life. I know 90% of the cases on this site end up being lust or pure sexual attraction, but I am 18 years old and a virgin. I could have had had her the day we hung out but I see her for something more then just sex. I want a friend. Someone I can talk to and care about. And if sex is involved great, but there are more important things.

And that is what I am worried about. I am worried that I am just being seen as a boy toy, when I want to be a boyfriend. I don't know where I stand. And I can't, and don't want to assume anything about her intentions because that lead me to heartache the last time. But by the same token I don't want to be to lax and just let her crush my heart, if that's whats going to happen. Idk I need some Incite!

[PSY]

Hello, Alpha Ray, and welcome to TeenHelp! =D

Wow... you sound so much like one of my friends, it's frightening. He's majoring in astrophysics... one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, but he definitely prefers to stay home and entertain himself with new theories and tidbits he's come across during his studies. I'm glad that you can be so open on this forum, and here's to hoping that you gain some insight regarding this problem.

From what I've read, it seems like her interest in you only becomes apparent right before she "breaks up" with her boyfriend. I think your initial theory was correct... she was vulnerable, and looking for a "rebound" boyfriend. This time, things are a little different, because she broke up with her boyfriend AFTER she told you how she felt; however, based on what she's done in the past, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she ended up getting back together with her boyfriend.

There's no reason why you can't date this girl... but approach with caution. Take things slowly, even if the relationship feels "right" to you. If she truly does feel the same way about you, then she'll be willing to prove, with time, that this isn't a fleeting crush, that she has absolutely no desire to get back together with her boyfriend, that she's not just looking to have sex with you, etc.

[Alpha Ray]

Thank you Robin for the welcome and the reply. I really appreciate both =)

After posting a I realized something that might just explain why she is acting the way she is. Fear

Here I am a kid with not that many friends---> inversely proportional to her
She doesn't really know me that well---> where as, she knows her bf quite well
I pushed her away last time----> whats to say I won't do it again
She would have to move back with her parents---> there by leaving his house and that sort of freedom she had before(as well as loosing a whole social setting)

I mean these are all things she must have thought about. I am sure I could make up even more if I thought about it.

Plus she is most definitely getting pressure from her bf to come back, but she is also getting pressure from me. Moreover I told her that if she and I did do something sexual I would not want to let her go. That most be hard swallow, and I didn't realize this aspect because I was to concerned about myself. I mean who am I to say that things will be better with me? It seems obvious to me, but it may not be so obvious to her.

Plus there is also the biggest fear of them all, which is actually ending a 3 year long relationship. All those memories good or bad, coming to an end. Only to meet an uncertain fate.

I mean she did break up with him, that does tell me where I stand in a way. Maybe she just didn't think about all these factors until after the fact. I mean its hell of a lot to ask of her, even if things are going bad with her bf.

I suppose the best course of action now would be to try to establish some sort of comfort with her. OR tell her exactly what I am telling you and assure her that at least on my end, things will be better. I move out when I turn 19 (its fine I have lived on my own twice before), so maybe then? I really don't know, because its certainly unfair of her to tease me in this way just to drop the ball on me. I am willing to wait, I have already expressed that to her, the problem is I think she jumped the gun and is regretting it.

*People need to plan things*

[PSY]

You're quite welcomed. =) And that seems like a perfectly reasonable conclusion. She's lived with this boy for a long time, and even if it hasn't been the healthiest of relationships, it IS familiar to her.

Unfortunately, it's rather difficult to plan things out when you're dealing with an emotional situation like this. =P But yes, it would have been nice if she had considered all the possible outcomes BEFORE dropping this burden onto your shoulders.

I wish you the very best of luck, regardless of whatever decision is made. Don't hesitate to PM me anytime, and anything. =)