I... Guess it's abuse...? I'm not sure if it's triggering...

[HumanMist]

Okay... this is an incredibly complicated situation...

I'm not getting abused ... and the abuse isn't physical, I know that doesn't make it better, but I wasn't sure if it made it... not triggering?

anyway, My best friend is in a relationship with a guy, who basically treats her like crap. constantly telling her she's a slut, whore, ugly, smelly and any other name under the clouds. I mean it might not sounds bad...

But it really is, he's possessive and you know, the classic "I have a penis and am therefore the boss" Just because I'm male, he see's me as a threat to their relationship and has accused her of cheating with me a number of times...

Honestly I have been confused about my feelings towards her in the past, but that's over.

He's constantly putting her down, calling her ugly and stuff, he like red hair, she doesn't, but because he spends his free time staring at red heads and lusting after more obvious sources on the internet, she feels she has to dye her hair red... when he watches said films he points out that her breasts are wrong and should get a boob job, which she is seriously contemplating. and a bunch of other stuff that is just so... wrong you dont understand such as the shade of her skin, her eyes... just annoys the fuck out of me...

Back to the issue, she lives over 2 hours away from me and any other friends she has, and therefore doesn't see a lot of us, she works for avon when not in college but he seems to pool both of their incomes to buy things such as TV's (which she doesn't want) So she can't afford to see us at week ends and stuff.

He seems to have a real hatred for me, as every time she mentions me he seems to go off on one. Therefore i can't act directly or even let him know I helped in any way. (He also can't know she told me anything)

I'm guessing it started small and escalated slowly, so she didn't notice it happening... but she doesn't seem to want to accept it as abuse...

Obvious question, What do I do?

[PSY]

I'm so sorry to hear that your friend is dealing with this abuse. =( And I'm sorry that you've had to deal with the negative feelings that arise from this situation as well.

The first step is to get her to recognize that this is abusive behavior. To her, this behavior may seem fairly normal, either because she's grown up around abusive parents/siblings/relatives/friends, or because she's never been with a boyfriend who treated her right. She may also be unwilling to admit that she was wrong to date him, and may believe that she can change him, if she hangs in there and continues to do everything she can to make him happy.

If you're going to intervene, then it'd be better to do so with as many friends of hers as possible. Hearing the truth from multiple people, vs. one person, will have a much greater impact on her. Meet with her in person as soon as you can, and be prepared for ANYTHING. This may include one of her friends driving out to her boyfriend's place and helping her pack everything up in the middle of the night, or when her boyfriend is off at work. This may include contacting the police, if her boyfriend's abusive behavior escalates, and being willing to file a report/obtain a restraining order/testify in court.

This thread is in the Rape and Abuse forum:
http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f13-r...ssault-victim/
It pertains more to victims of rape/sexual assault than abuse, but I do believe it brings up some pretty important points (ex. don't criticize, listen to their reasons).

Hopefully, she will listen to her closest friends, and realize that she needs to get out of this relationship... but be prepared for a less desirable response. She may tell you to mind your own business, that there's nothing going on, and she loves him and he loves her, that she can't leave for financial reasons, that she can't leave because he's threatened to harm/kill her or himself, etc. Discuss all of these possible responses with her friends, and be prepared to offer solutions/resources to all of these concerns (ex. have definite living arrangements set up for her, discuss what the police can do for her, etc.).

I wish all of you the very best of luck. <3 Feel free to keep us up-to-date on what you're doing for your friend, or what she's doing to help herself!

[Sodapop]

Have you ever heard the song "Flavor of the Week" by American Hi-Fi? Listen to it, it sounds exactly like your situation, haha :]

I think Psy has given great advice. I think she needs to learn that she's worthy of a good relationship before she can be in one, though. If you DO happen to have feelings for her, I would put them aside until she's in a better place.

Also, if her boyfriend threatens you or hits you, you definitely need to take it to the authorities. Assault is a felony and he could get in big trouble for messing with you.

[Nicolette]

She's a big girl you need to open her eyes and let her see that this isn't right and that she should walk away from this relationship. If its to the point where she's afraid for her safety and that's what's keeping her with him then you need to alert the authorities before this situation gets ugly and physical.

[HumanMist]

Thanks for the help, and I will... and I'll try to keep you up to date with the situation.

a few things i left out, I'm not sure if it changes the situation to dramatically but still.

If she doesn't live with him, she has know where (could offer for her to stay with me or other friends)

his mother seems to have a malevolent hatred for her and is a master Manipulator... (either that or her boyfriend has a very weak mind)

I think that's it... but I'll add anything if think of it.