Male Advice Preferred: Break up..

[anarchy_07]

Okay, so my boyfriend (now ex) had been going through a major depression stage and I was trying to be there for him. That seemed to upset him because he wanted to be alone. Anyways, he ended the relationship yesterday by saying "I hate you" and "I don't give a f**" and "You'll thank me later". Then this morning I received a text message from him saying this:

"I'm sorry I acted like such a dick to you these past two days :/. Im just really confused and yes damn it i'm scared! There I said it.On top of being a rotten mother *****, you're too good for me. Pretty damn close to a perfect fit and I don't deserve you at all. You deserve someone better, not me . And you are right, I would regret losing you but maybe you'll be better off. No drama, no dark rooms, no a**holes. Anyways, I don't really know what else to say. I know sorry doesn't mean sh**. There is no trust, there is no anything and it;s nobody's fault but mine. I'm blaming you for my own insecurities and that's just not right. You didn't do anything to anyone. I'm sorry for bothering you and "taking stabs at you. It really wasn't my intention. I'm kinda stupidly f***** up and when I get dark like that I more than likely say sh** I don't mean and just talk sh** to talk sh**. I'm sorry. I wish I were a better companion for you. Sorry to have bothered you this time.

2nd half:
I would never hurt you, but you have to trust me when I say "I want to be left alone". Again, sorry for bothering you and even more sorry for making you cry when all you do is make me smile. I hope someone comes along who really knows how to treat you right and is not a complete douche-bag unlike me. Ill leave you alone now.

Please, can someone, preferably a male, tell me what to make of this? I really am crazy about this kid, and if there any chance that I can still be with him, I will do whatever I can. I'm just trying to understand...

Does he still have feelings for me...?

[dr2005]

It is a really difficult situation to be in - it's one I've dealt with myself, so I can sympathise with how you feel. From the sound of the texts it appears as though your ex is attempting to push you away on the basis that he feels this will protect you from anything that may happen as a result of the condition he is in. It sounds perverse, but it tallies with the feelings of unworthiness that he has expressed and is probably motivated to some extent by a desire to protect you from him harming you. On some level he probably does still have some feelings for you, but in his current state is unable to act on them or respond appropriately. Depression, especially in its stronger forms, has a seriously debilitating effect on the sufferer and he probably doesn't believe he can be there for you as he feels he should be and hold up his end of the relationship - and unfortunately, that is a perception which is incredibly difficult to change.
As far as what you can do is concerened, I'm sorry to say the options are pretty limited - however strong your feelings are for him, and however close you were as a couple, he doesn't sound like he's in the right frame of mind to handle a relationship right now. The best thing you can do is to support him as a friend, which I know from experience is incredibly hard when you've been in a relationship. It means giving him a bit of space, but at the same time helping him when he needs it and encouraging him to get professional support, and when you've been that close to someone it is a very big change. The only upside is that if he is able to get help and support to resolve the underlying issues, then he should be able to overcome the worst of his depression, and he will come to appreciate the support you have given him.
I'm sorry I can't be more upbeat about this - it is an incredibly difficult situation to be in.

[anarchy_07]

So, should i let him know that i'm still here as a friend? I just dont want him to completely drop me off the face of the earth. I want him in my life and I want to be in his..

I've grown to care about him both as a friend and romantically.

[dr2005]

That's probably the best thing to do. If you let him know that you realise he needs space, but that if he needs your support then you will offer it as a friend, then hopefully that should help the situation. He may not be much more receptive to start with, but as things start to improve he will probably appreciate the support more. The main thing is to make sure that you make the support available to him should he want it, and not to force support upon him (if that makes sense) - sometimes with severe depression the sufferer needs time to themselves, and attempts to support them through this can backfire. It's happened to me a few times I can assure you...
So yes, let him know you're still there as a friend, and that you're there for him if he needs it. For what it's worth, I hope things improve for you both soon.

[Jack.]

It's probably very difficult for him to be in a relationship right now when he's feeling the way he does. When someone is upset the first people that they usually take it out on is the people that they care most about, I don't know why this is but they usually do. I think that right now you should tell him that you're there for him as a friend and then maybe once he's able to sort things out a little and control things better then maybe the both of you can give your relationship another go. By doing this he might become more motivated to sort things out as he has a goal, something to aim for if you like.

Good luck! I hope that everything works out for the both of you and I hope that I was able to help even if it was a little bit. If you would like to talk anymore about anything then feel free to PM me and I will be more than happy to listen and talk about things.

Take care. <3

[don'tstopbelievin]

What concerns me here is that he's feeling worthless and insecure and that he's not good enough for you and if you go along with what he says and you accept this break up, walking out of his life because he asked you to, it will only cement the idea that he is not good enough for you and he has nothing worth being with him for.

This may even be a test, either a subconsciously or consciously. Maybe he is convinced that because he is worthless, you're going to leave one day anyway. So he's told you to do so.. he's provided you with an exit, to see if you will take it. If you walk away, you'll prove him right, increasing his insecurities.

Be gentle and just let him know he's wrong. Not in those terms because he will just fight against it. But just prove to him that he is good enough for you.. by staying by his side. It won't be easy but if you can get him through this tough period he'll be so grateful to you and you to him too probably.

[anarchy_07]

Well, I appreciate the advice i've received so far, thanks . I'm concerned about him. I don't think he realizes that he needs someone to be there. When talking to him the other day, he was just, acting very strange. He brought up the death of his mother a lot, and how his past relationships were bad. He said he hated women and relationships, but I believe it was in the heat of the moment. Why? because he was the one who wanted to get into the relationship in the first place. He had said some really sweet things to me not too long ago. How he's never had anyone like me before, and all of his relationships in the past were based on sex. How he wanted nothing more than to treat me right and that I we were like two peas in a pod...that i'm the "perfect fit". That's why this sudden change came as a shock. This is the strange part...at the same time he was saying those hurtful things to me, he was joking with me, and he would smile and flirt a little...and then say "seriously though, f*** off and it just went back and forth for an hour before he just laid on the bed and said please leave and that was it. That's why i'm so confused. He said it's not the first "dark time" he's had.

[don'tstopbelievin]

It probably isn't the only dark time he's had.

I can really only draw on my own experiences on this but my mother has had a mountain of problems since before she met my Dad. She was an alcoholic when they met and she was physically abusive. But he stayed with. She continues to suffer from illnesses that affect her on a day to day basis but he stays by her side. He supports and loves her and he proves this to her constantly. He is honestly my hero because of how strong he is. It takes a special kind of person to be there through thick and thin with the one you love. You obviously love your boyfriend and I know you want to make him happy. Just be there for him. It can and will work out if you work hard enough at it.

[Guardian_Angel]

I can relate to your boyfriend and I think, from a personal opinion that he definitely does have feelings for you. Someone before me mentioned that he may just wants to affirm the hateful thoughts he has for yourself, I agree. I think you should tell him that he is wrong and that you love him as you obviously do.

I myself have had many points where I have let my "dark" feelings take control and I would lash out against my perfect girlfriend. I have said horrible hurtful things, and I have regretted them almost immediately afterwards. I think people who are depressed often direct their anger at those closest to us, because we feel safe in them, and we are scared if we express ourselves anywhere else it will mean rejection anger and being alone again.

So we take it out on those we love, which in turn causes them to leave reaffirming what we "knew" all along.

You need to talk to him, and tell him that you are here for him and you will help him through his problems, but he can't talk to you like that because it really hurts you. That is what I suggest any ways...

[laurax]

I do agree with the previous peoples advice. However, I've had a similar experience to this myself, and it did not go well.

Throughout my entire relationship with this guy, he constantly said i should be with someone better than him. Obviously i denied this and said i only wanted him, and i did! Except that this continual demoralising output made me feel frustrated and over the months it started irritating me a lot. He was also severely depressed, and said i was only staying with him because i was afraid of being alone, and that because he was the first guy id had sex with. he would constantly tell me that i didnt know what he was going through, so i couldnt empathise at all with him. i tried my best to be supportive and sympathetic and kind and gentle, but when my help was constantly refused and beaten down, i stopped feeling at all motivated to want to help him.
he wouldnt touch me, hold me, kiss me, or anything. he wouldnt meet my friends or family, and hated it whenever i went out with my friends.

when i broke up with him after 10 months of misery and relapse of my own problems, he was angry, called me names, threatened to kill himself, cried, begged, threatened and made me feel as awful as he possibly could. he said hed change, that he loved me, that he was sorry and would do whatever i wanted to take him back. he told me to tell his DAUGHTER goodbye (he was 26). I was only 18. how can you put that on someone barely an adult?

i changed my number and blocked his contact from emails etc. My heart was breaking and i was so worried that hed actually kill himself, so i called the samaritans. but it was the right thing to do.

he was making me a shadow of my former self, making me ill and depressed myself, when its not in my personality to be like that! there was nothing better i could do than to end it.

Like i said, i completely agree with the others about being there for him, offering your support. but if hes going to continue deflecting his issues and depression onto you, he may only bring you down with him. be careful
x

[anarchy_07]

You know guys, I've been talking to him, and trying to be there.
He has been talking to me about a lot of dark thoughts and feelings he has. The other night, while we were playing pool he said "I don't know why i'm letting you in. I shouldn't be telling you all of this, but I guess I am because I feel comfortable." He also said things like "I can't wait until next year, I'll be all alone, just the way I like it" but then said "I like to be alone, not bothered by anyone. Well, except you, but you don't bother me. You're not like other girls." Before I left he gave me one of those long hugs and said, "I hope you still like me". I amd confused. I don't know what he wants, I don't even think he knows what he wants. All I know is that I want things to be the way they were before he changed to this "dark" person. He's not the same guy I fell for..

Laura, you're right, and that's what I fear. I don't want to go through that. I really don't, but I feel like i have to help him. I just don't know how. He can be very stubborn and tries to push me away all the time, but then he'll change it around and say "I hope you still like me" "I can't wait until summer because we can go hiking through parks together". It's just...crazy. It's a roller coaster...up and down...up and down.