This Complicated Can of Worms--HELP.

[St.Vincent]

Ok, so I've been here before and I just can't weigh out my options right.

I've been dating this guy on and off for about 3 years. I've liked him since freshman year of high school. He's the guy I lost my virginity to, we go to the same university, he's known me for forever--before I had boobs--when I was a little nerdy dorkus. He is the smartest guy I've ever met, he learns languages on his own, knows everything, learns just for the SAKE of LEARNING (jesus, does it get any better than that??) and is just, I dunno, lovely and forgiving and nurturing and I guess this totally do no wrong type guy. A good catch. Okay.

But the thing is, we're in university together. We've been here for a semester and a half, and he has literally made no friends. He almost hides behind his studies, using his work (and his outside work) as an excuse to just, not.. socialize? We don't go out, we don't go to parties (ok with me, I'm kinda uncomfortable at parties, but--) we don't.. it's like there's us, and there's the outside. We're getting an apartment next year, together, singed the lease, yadda yadda. Great...

But I'm.. ok.. this is the worst: I am not that into him. Physically. Sexually. Our sex life--yuck. I avoid him. I hate the feeling that used to arouse me, literally, his erection it--it just reminds me of how I've been avoiding sex and how much I don't want to have sex with him and how much I am not into it and ugh, I hate--I HATE--having sex when I don't want to and I feel so bad for this. The last time we had sex, I cried. I cried because I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING I promised myself I would never do and that I was just going against my heart. I know, it's just sex, it's not everything but it's so horrible. I'm such a lying, mentally cheating scumbag for--pretending I like it. I do not want it.

And ok, last semester, we were like this X. I was in the horrible major, stressed out and beyond myself, insane and sleep deprived and pathetic and I needed someone to come home to on Friday night, a bed to collapse on, a hug and a cuddle. I had a crazy roommate, my room was literally full of drugs and rancid food, so I just crashed my boyfriends and when my roomie tried to kill herself, I lived with him. But now, I'm ok. I don't need his room, I have my own (for now..) I have a major I like, classes I enjoy, I sleep at night, I am making friends--it's like I don't need his support anymore, and that--oh man, so like I love him when I need him, but when I don't need him, he turns me off and annoys me and I look the other way? You see, it's just so.. awful. How?

The thing is, I feel like it's wrong to stay. He's smart, he's good to me, but if I feel like this, I shouldn't pretend. I don't think I'm a bad person, I don't live with regrets, but right now, I feel like I hate what I'm doing, and I need to stop.

But, then, there's this guy (there's always a guy) and it's so, he's cuter, he's smart (not as smart, I don't think, maybe also not so intellectual) but it's like, the fact that he's turning my head even though I know he's not for me makes me feel even more guilty about this whole thing.

And when I thought, well, maybe I should dump my boyfriend, I felt this massive weight being lifted off me. I called my mom, we decided what to do about the apt (I'd pay my parents the difference if he leaves and I stay, I'd look for a place to sublet if he wants to stay and I leave)--but then I saw him today and he was so unsuspecting, I just wanted these feelings to go away and be happily in love again.

Help.

Me.

Arffhhhfhljkj I know.

[B.O.T.E]

Hi Edna,

After reading your post, I have to say Im proud of you for not trying to push away these feelings and for confronting them. You are obviously not happy, you deserve to be happy, so you need to follow your heart and be with someone that makes you happy!
I do think you need to talk to your boyfriend and then ultimately, break up. It seems like he will be better for you as a friend instead of a boyfriend, but only you know the answer for that.

I wish you the best, and hope you can find happiness.
Please PM if you need to talk

[St.Vincent]

I know, I know I just, god it's just so hard. It's been so long, and he acts like he has no idea.

And I feel like if it's over, it's OVER. It needs to be OVER for EVER, or at least, for a very long time. It's just, like I said it's been too long and it's been too messy.

But I'm going to feel so bad doing it, like I wish I could just be grateful for all that I have. Fuck.

[PSY]

Hey, Edna. Since you've been with him for three years, I'm sure you're aware that every long-term relationships has its ups and downs. I guess all you can do is ask yourself, "Is this just another phase of not being as in love with him? Or am I truly over him?" If these feelings have been persisting for a considerable amount of time (ex. a few months), and you can't blame these feelings on other stressors (ex. schoolwork, your roommate), then it really may be time to move on.

Because you've been with him for so long, and because the majority of your relationship has been good, it may be worth giving him a "second chance" (unless you're REALLY over him). If so, make him aware of your feelings, and what you're not happy about at the moment (ex. socializing outside of the relationship, your sexual activities). Perhaps he's simply not aware of these ongoing issues (you know how boys can be... COMPLETELY oblivious), and once he's aware of them, he may be willing and able to put forth the time and effort needed to make this a better relationship.

Unfortunately, break-ups are rarely mutual. =( So chances are, no matter how "gently" you state your reasons for wanting to leave him, he's going to be upset, perhaps even devastated for a while. BUT, you can't stay with someone, jeopardizing your own happiness in order to keep them happy. That would just be postponing the inevitable, and he'd probably be even more upset, or bitter, if you stayed with him under false pretenses.

I wish you the very best of luck. You give such wonderful advice to the members of TeenHelp, and I hope that they can offer you valuable insight in return. And, of course, feel free to PM me anytime. =)

[St.Vincent]

I feel like it's already happened though. We broke up over the summer, I missed him, we got back together--it was great but now it's not great anymore. I can't keep on doing this to him.

I also feel like I can't keep on pretending, and I don't think there's anything he could do to make it better--the sex isn't boring or bad, I just don't want to have sex with him, conceptually.

I would love to be friends with him, but I don't think that is possible right now. I am so terrified of breaking up though, the--big unsuspecting slap in his face, the being alone, the being really really alone. :/ :/ I feel like such a wimp. I'm usually so much more resolute than this, it makes me feel so bad.

[PSY]

Ooh, I didn't realize that you broke up over the summer. So you tried to work things out last year, and couldn't, so you broke up. You got back together, things were okay for a while... but now you're back where you started. I think that's a pretty clear sign that it's not something you CAN work out.

And yeah, it's going to suck... for both of you. You've been together for a long time, and the routine will be gone. He's going to struggle with not having anyone to talk to, and you're going to struggle with whether or not you did the right thing by leaving him... but remember that you're not doing him (or yourself) any favors by staying with him under false pretenses.

Maybe, given time, you'll be able to rekindle a friendship... but after the two of you break up, it'd probably be best if you limited your contact with him. You know how messy (and painful) the "let's be friends" situation can be... it won't help him gain closure and move on, and it'll only postpone his search for new friends (and possibly girlfriends), if he feels like he still has a chance with you, and can count on you to be there for him 24/7.