The kiss that wasn't meant to happen.

[PunkRoxS9]

Fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck, in the words of Hugh Grant.

Okay, before I tell the story and ask for your help, there is one thing here that is not up to be disputed, I love him. Love as in the real full blown only want him wholly and forever, my world comes together when I'm with him, love.

So, heres the thing I met him January 7th 2009. Started going out February 21st 2009. Broke up, went back out. Broke up, tried to commit suicide (not because of breaking up, that was just the trigger). We couldnt be together because I was messed up. He didnt know how to be with me, I cried every time I came over, I clung to him when it was time for me to go home, because I couldnt bear to be alone. He's messed up too, but doesnt show it. He's had like the shittiest life for a 16yr old guy you could imagine. He's had cigarettes put out on him before for example. He couldnt deal with me.

I got better. Loads better. I'm not suicidal, I dont cut, I dont starve myself, I'm happy. Sometimes I'm a bit like Bella out of New Moon where she tries to hold herself together. Sometimes I get like that and my chest is being crushed and I cant breathe and I'm having a panic attack, I'm going to cry, I'm going to fall apart. But not often. Anymore.
So I've been trying to show him I'm better but I was getting mixed messages about whether he was my friend or not. So I went round there yesterday to find out where I stood with him.

You have to remember I went to his house with every intention of just being his friend, making sure we had a friendship, thats all I wanted. Except it wasn't when it came to it. I hurled abuse at him, asked him to explain a lot, he blamed some crap on me, I blamed some crap on him, I fell off my chair and tried to physically fight him off his, went home with a bruise from it, we laughed, we talked, we did some depressing lets go down memory lane. And then in the midst of it, he said I had been closer than a girlfriend, and that he thought he still loved me. There was a bit of silence later. I ended up getting so mad at myself I told him that although I came here for friendship, it wasnt enough like I thought it was, I wanted him, and our relationship was sacrificed so I could get better, I could either have him or everything else, not both and it wasnt fair. I believe he asked why I couldnt have both.

I asked him what he wanted. After a bit he said "you". I'd hurt him earlier by telling him he obviously was never close to me. He looked like I'd slapped him round the face when I said that. So this time I didn't dispute it. I asked for a hug.

He gave me a hug alright. He held me so tightly. I felt so small and safe and perfect in his arms. Somehow the world came together everything was okay. His heart was beating really fast, and I was rambling cuz I was nervous. He kissed me. I shut up. But he kissed me that time, not the other way round. I wanted to ask, "do you love me", but somehow I knew, he did. So I kissed him.

His dad came in. We broke apart. His dad went out. I asked him "what now?" he didnt know. I worked my way back into his arms. His mum came in. We broke apart. His mum went out. I asked "what now?" he didnt know, i said "but your the one with all the answers." apparently not. I had to leave. He held me and kissed me and told me "I'll sort it out, don't worry, I promise." I left with swollen lips and my heart pushing against my chest. But not before apologising for kissing him.

So now I'm waiting for what comes next. I don't know if this will turn out to be everything I've ever wanted, or if I've just screwed it up by kissing him. He's leaving for the Navy this year on 3rd October. He is my true love.

But what do I do now? Do I just wait? .... x

[Pour the Teapot]

i think if you really love this guy, then you need to prove to him that you've changed. if he's leaving in october, then you should spend as much time with him now as you can, and before he leaves let him know he's loved. it does sound like you love this guy, just try to prove that to him.

[london]

Wow honestly i think its just all too much drama and not worth it.

[PunkRoxS9]

Originally Posted by london

Wow honestly i think its just all too much drama and not worth it.

What do you mean not worth it??? And thanks SuburbanTiger I think I will just do my best to show him that I'm here and I'm still me but I'm a better me. We're meant to be together. x