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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Ophelia Offline
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I'm in love with someone who will never love me back - May 1st 2010, 05:21 PM

So we'll call Guy 1 Pieces and Guy 2 Leo.

Freshmen year of high school I met Pieces and was introduced to him as "The most brilliant guy you'll ever meet." That statement still holds true and was never untrue. We became great friends through clubs and classes getting closer each year. We never dated. In high school I wasn't the most attractive girl...... that being a nice way of putting it. I was really overweight, had zits, my hair never looked right..... I wasn't girlfriend quality. He was similar though-- he's a year younger than my graduating class since he's the smartest guy alive and so started high school looking like he belonged in middle school. Senior year though he had a growth spurt and became the tallest guy I know, well muscled, and lost the glasses. He became hott. So feeling shadowed I lost 30lbs, dyed my hair, saw a dermatologist, and got contacts. I will never be beautiful or even particularly pretty but at least I became someone who Im not ashamed to look at. Senior year was... amazing. We flirted like crazy and I knew he liked me back... and then my Best friend came into the picture. She liked him too and blew up at us for leaving her out always. All three of us were captains for a club and she felt any alone time the two of us had was going behind her back and she was jealous. So she threatened to quit and destroy the team. He backed off and flirting stopped almost altogether. Then came Prom... he chose her as she'd been trying to win him and I just assumed along with the rest of the school that he'd ask me. Cried for a week. I went single and in the same limo (and same table) with other friends. Dancing was a group thing. After she tried to date him but he blew her off. Pieces and I still stayed close though... when he was valedictorian I was the one editing his speech. I was the one who most influenced his college choice. Summer came we stayed in touch... went to different colleges but we email each other several times a week, call/text occasionally, and IM a few times a month. He still has never kissed a girl or been in a relationship-- though he's never really tried as he's too busy getting his college 4.0. We also have tossed around the idea of backpacking through Europe together in 2 years.

My life in college is different than high school. Before I think guys thought I was unattractive and later believed I thought I was too good for them. Here I was taken aback when I had guys flirting with me so suddenly and went on a few dates fall term. Enters "Leo" into the picture. I met him in January when he started walking me home after class. He's adorable, has a great body from playing football, and is a science major like myself so he knows how to work hard. We've been in a relationship for almost 3 months now. Actually I was his first girlfriend (and kiss... took him 2 months too!) although he's a year older than me. The only problem is.... while the beginning was butterflies and romantic nonsense now I feel like I'm being taken for granted. I talk to Pieces more often than my own boyfriend because he's always too busy for me. I'll do special things for him-- make cookies, burn cds, text just to say I miss him.... but he never does special things for me nor does he act like anything I do is a big deal. And on dates it started off as basketball games but now it's just talking in a dorm room until we end up making out. I DO like him. I like who he is and his dedication and his smile... when I look into his eyes gazing back at me I know I'm also important to him. I don't want to hurt him.

But when I looked in Pieces eyes... sometimes he could make my heart stop. Even if he was asking a simple question his eyes would tell me that there was no one more important in the entire world than me. But I can't continue to love him-- I spent FOUR YEARS in love with him and nothing happened but my heart breaking over and over again. Plus we don't even go to the same college. And I cant hurt Leo. I WANT to feel this way with Leo. I feel like such a terrible girlfriend.

Also I should have mentioned this... I never officially told Pieces how i felt about him. I think he discouraged every attempt actually since he doesn't want a relationship with anyone until later in life after he gets his career going. High Catholic morals......

However.... I kinda sorta told Leo I was starting to fall in love with him last week. I don't know why I said that.... it's too early. I think I wishing it was true. He didn't say anything back but that's because I made him promise not to first. He just absorbed the information and acted like nothing happened......

Last edited by PSY; May 2nd 2010 at 05:04 AM. Reason: Merged posts.
   
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Re: I'm in love with someone who will never love me back - May 2nd 2010, 05:17 AM

Hello, Ophelia.

You can't force love... but you can try strengthening a relationship (and in the process, you may strengthen your feelings as well). What was it about Leo that you liked three months ago? It sounds like it wasn't just his physical appearance... you admired his dedication to athletics and academics as well. Recall your honeymoon phase, and write down what you liked about it. Then, slowly but surely, try to incorporate those things into your relationship. I'm not saying that you'll be able to have a perfect relationship... but NO ONE has a perfect relationship. If you dated Pieces, you would probably have a similar issue, because everyone struggles with feeling "less in love" (or even apathetic) from time to time, no matter how much they care about their partners.

Now, if you still feel like you and Leo aren't getting anywhere with your relationship, or if you feel like you're being taken for granted (and he's not willing to make an effort toward turning your one-sided relationship into a healthier one)... leave him. You deserve better, and believe me, there are PLENTY of fish in the sea that you call "college". =)

As for Pieces... God, that's a tough one... but you may want to let your logic rule over your emotions on this one. You know that he's not going to be interested for at least a few more years. Can you wait that long? Are you willing to avoid relationships altogether, just in case he's interested in you "later in life"? If you keep clinging to this possibility of ending up with Pieces, then I doubt you'll ever be able to give 100% of your love to your partner(s)... and that's just not fair to them. So you have to decide: are you going to wait for Pieces, or are you going to seek love elsewhere, and devote yourself completely when you find it?

Ideally, I would tell you to talk to Pieces about how you feel... but I can see how that might hurt your friendship with him. Then again... you may discover that, despite his religious convictions, he is romantically interested in you. Your call.


   
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Re: I'm in love with someone who will never love me back - May 2nd 2010, 07:48 AM

Thank you SOOOOO much for responding!!!! I think I was having a weak moment from how Leo doesn't open up enough. Tonight things were much better... I mean I STILL haven't gone on real date with him-- ended up just talking in my dorm and making out again.... but I had a marvelous time nevertheless. I actually TOLD him to take me on a real date but due to rain I let him get off easy this time. We talked about nothing and yet everything at the same time... until he couldn't help but kiss me lol. This time he picked me up in his arms kissing me!!! When he whispers my name over and over I completely forget about Pieces and want to stay in his arms forever.

Still somethings wrong. I can bring him to orgasm in a matter of minutes (lol he can control the second one though) but I've only gone half the time when he tries to do me. He tries for a half hour sometimes and takes my advice well but eventually it gets nowhere and only hurts. I know he's disappointed in himself and thinks it's his fault instead of mine. I've been working on trying it out myself and have succeeded multiple times...... I'm not sure what's wrong.

And I was wrong... I do love Leo. At least on and off.
   
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Re: I'm in love with someone who will never love me back - May 2nd 2010, 06:55 PM

That's definitely a common problem, so don't worry! =) Sometimes, you just might not be "in the mood", and no amount of foreplay is going to get you to orgasm. What you could try is (what I call) "mental foreplay". Throughout the day, imagine how GREAT it's going to feel... like, REALLY visualize how he's going to look, what he's going to do, how you're going to feel... so that, by the time he arrives, you're ready to go. xD

Also... if you set up goals/expectations (ex. one orgasm each, every time he visits), that may just put more pressure on the both of you, and will make it harder to orgasm. It may also cause some resentment, if one of you doesn't feel like pleasuring your partner. I definitely think it would be a good idea to start going on dates... that way, you have things to do OTHER than messing around in bed. xD And when you actually DO want to mess around, it won't feel like a chore, and you're more likely to WANT it... really, REALLY want it... vs. expecting that it's going to happen, like it always does when he visits.

Speaking from personal experience... chances are, that on-and-off feeling will diminish in its intensity after a while. I mean, you're still going to feel "less in love" (or even apathetic) at times... but the differences won't be as extreme, if that makes any sense. I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. For the most part, my feelings for him are relatively stable. I'm rarely OMG IN LOVE with him... but I'm rarely the opposite, either. It's just a consistently positive feeling toward him and our relationship. =) If we have a particularly good time together, I'll feel an overwhelming sense of love for him. If we argue or fight, I might feel a bit neutral (or worse) toward him. Neither of those feelings last for long, though, and neither of those feelings are even CLOSE to as intense as they were at the beginning of our relationship.


   
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