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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
leatherfeathers Offline
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Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 29th 2010, 08:05 PM

I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and things have been great. He cares for me immensely, and he's a great guy: the kind that doesn't care if I wear make up or if my hair is done.
However, lately he hasn't been on my mind unless he calls, or unless I'm with him.
I think I might be ready to move on, but I'm hesitant. I'm honestly afraid to hurt him, especially since lately he's been so loving and compassionate and I do care about him. He has a history of depression and has tried to commit suicide before, which worries me. Also, and I know this is my own problem, but I gave him semi-nude pictures a few months back on impulse, which he has on his phone and probably in his e-mail still. I'm scared that if I were to break up with him, these pictures would get spread around.
I don't know if our relationship can last. I have trust issues, and though for the majority of these months the memory has been repressed, my friend cheated on her boyfriend with him before we dated. This really bothers me, and though I trust my boyfriend for a lot of things, I can't fully trust him or let myself get too attached because of this.
Any words of advice?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 29th 2010, 08:29 PM

Hey their , welcome to teenhelp!

You need to honest with him if you want things to work out.
Ask him if he would deleate the pictures you sent him, tell them how much their bothering you. If you feel afraid that he might cheat on you , tell him that.
IF your worried abouth him killing himslef ever, tell sombody or 911. If you break up with that should not be your problem.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
leatherfeathers Offline
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 29th 2010, 08:33 PM

Thank you :] What a quick response!
I'm not afraid he's going to cheat, I just can't help but know that my friend used him to cheat. She gives me grief over the fact that we're dating, because she didn't like the idea ever since we first hooked up. It's a lot of drama to deal with, and it gets frustrating.
I'm not sure how to ask him to delete the pictures: doing so would seem suspicious.
I don't know if I want the relationship to work or not, in all honesty. I care about him, and I know I'm lucky to have a guy like him, but I'm feeling ready to move on, you know?
   
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 29th 2010, 08:45 PM

Hey hun! =]

Ok first off, welcome to TH! I hope you meet some wicked cool people here (like me..totally ) and get some good advice. =D NOW! Onward to your post!

Ok so ima break this thing down piece by piece. It may flow together..it may not. Kinda bear with me, mmkay?

Firstly he sounds like a sweetheart. I love guys and gals who don't care how the other looks on the outside. =] I love my girlfriend, from when she is made up like a goddess or when she just woke up and her hair is messy. Just saying, he seems nice. =]

Now..here is the thing. Many people reach a point in a relationship where it begins to get serious. REALLY serious. It's a point not marked..it has no physical act to accompany it. It is simply a feeling..that you must know inside of you. Before the moment..the relationship is giddy and fun. You can't wait to see them. They are always on your mind. You feel butterflies when you see them. Than the relationship matures..and the "moment" happens. You no longer feel that "giddy spark" for them. It may feel like the relationship has died..or you no longer love him. The fact is..you may have just moved to the more mature relationship. Sure they may not be always on your mind..but you can't imagine life without them. They have become more than a boyfriend..but a partner. Many people confuse the maturing of a relationship for a loss of love. Just think long and hard, ok hun? It is very possable you HAVE lost interest..but just really think it over so you don't do something you'll regret later. I'm just trying to help.

Now..about his suicidal tendancies. This is not an insult AT ALL to anyone with depression or thoughts of suicide, this is about you. I cannot stress this enough..so I will give it its own line and decorate it pretty so it will hammer home:

~<::YOU CANNOT BE HELD HOSTAGE BY HIS DEPRESSION::>~

I stayed in a relationship for WAY longer than I should have due to my fear of them killing themselves. In the end..it's not worth waisting your life away in a bad relationship out of fear. Their depression cannot become a gun to your head to stay in it all. If you feel the need to get out..than get out. No question about it.

As for the semi-nude pics. First off..I must say that was not your smartest move. Sorry..not trying to be insulting here..but this is why I never send them nor does my girlfriend. They can be another kink in the whole process of breaking up. It's all a question of his honor. Is he the type to seek dirty and underhanded revenge on you? Than it could be an issue. If he has a small scrap of respect and honor he will not send them to anyone. He will do what I did with my ex's pics. Delete them.

And hun..I get trust issues. My girl cheated on her boyfriend before me with 2 other guys. The fact is..the circumstances were strange with it all. You can't hold someone's past to them. I am not proud of my girlfriend for what she did. Frankly it disgusts me. But three things:
1) Do you know all the details of it? There could have been strange circumstances..like my girlfriend who was abused by her ex.
2) People can change. I'm not proud of my girlfriend's past..but I believe she can change..and therefore I trust her.
3) Is anyone perfect? I have my shit..as does my girl..as does your guy..as do you.

Try to take time to attack EVERY angle of this. Make sure you think over every possability. I'll check back to this thread every now and than to check up on you..but if you need more specific help or just wanna say hi..feel free to drop me a PM! Again, welcome to TH! Hope I helped, hun. =]
   
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 29th 2010, 09:05 PM

It's not suspicious if you want him to delted the pictures.
So many things could happen.
Sombody eles could take his phone Or hack his email.
If their really bothering you just ask him, I'm sure he won't mind.
& if he does then you know what kind of guy he is.
   
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 29th 2010, 09:33 PM

Hey Charlie,
I definitely think you should speak to your boyfriend and be honest with what is troubling you.
Tell him about the way you feel about what him and your friend did, even if it was months ago it can still stop a relationship from moving forward and it can still badly effect your trust.
You do sound in some way like you want to be with him, so I think you should try and communicate with him and see if that gets you anywhere, obviously if you feel it gets you nowhere then you at least know you have tried to make this relationship work and not just given up.
I hope things work out,
Love Paige
xx
   
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 29th 2010, 11:43 PM

I used to be with a boy who had mental health issues, depression and wanted to kill himself. In my opinion, if you are worried about him killing himself... get OUT of the relationship. It could end up destroying your spirit. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have lived through an emotionally draining relationship and I am so much better off without him in my life.
   
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - June 30th 2010, 12:39 AM

I think you've answered your own question. If you stay in this relationship, as far as I can tell, these will be your reasons:
You care about him.
He's nice and you think you're lucky to have him.
He has nude pictures of you that might get out if you break up.
He might get seriously depressed if you break up.

Look those over. The first one is, in my opinion, the only one that should be an issue here. Let's go from the bottom up.

First, you cannot spend your life tip toeing around other people because they have or may have mental health problems. It is not your responsibility to stay in a relationship with someone just so they don't do something crazy. It is SO not healthy. And at the end of the day, it doesn't make a difference: if they are in rough enough shape that they might, say, commit suicide because you break up with them, you staying with them probably won't be a sure safeguard either. (If it's not one thing, it'll be another.) And what happens when they realize that you're not into it anymore? Same thing. The most you can do for someone in such a situation is help them get help.

Okay. He's got something that could be potential blackmail, or just an embarrassment. Do you really want to stay in a relationship because you feel like you're being forced? NOT a great foundation for romance.

You're lucky to have him. This may be the case, but if you personally do not feel like you want to be with him, then the amazing person he may be is being wasted. There's someone out there who would also be lucky to have him...and he would be lucky to have her, and they'd match really well. If he's a great catch for you, he's a great catch for others, too. You know what I mean? It's like...why waste both of your time when you know he's not the one you want to be with, 100%? And don't worry. You will find other people you are lucky to have, and who you're completely enamored with. Trust me.

Finally, you care about him. This is the deciding factor. This, you have to work out for yourself. If you really do care about him and want to be with him, nothing else matters. However, if he's not the person you want to be with... Then nothing else matters.

Good luck =]



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let me tell you why, i would die for you
When you whisper, you must be absolutely as sincere as when you scream.
9 out of every 10 problems in relationships can be solved by talking. So why are we so damn quiet?
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
leatherfeathers Offline
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Re: Lucky to have him, unsure if I want to be with him. - July 1st 2010, 02:01 AM

Thank you, everyone, for your help and support <3
I have a lot of thinking to do.
   
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