I'm more than "just friends" with a married man. Long story, I need help coping with the situation.

[dzzi]

I'm new here but I have an issue that's been pressing on my mind and I need to let it out somewhere anonymous and understanding. Hope I came to the right place. If you tell me I should stop talking to him, you are of no help to me because I refuse. It's simply not an option.

Anyway, let's set the context here:

I'm a 17 year old with intellect, talent, and anxiety issues. He's a 25 year old with wit, talent, and a tendency to live in the moment. We met because he was the assistant director in an after-school activity of mine. We gradually became good friends and after 4 or 5 months he took a bold step and told me he had a crush on me and my world got turned upside down. Of course we didn't stop talking. We click so well and we make each other happy. Things got more serious in our conversations and we started meeting up to hang out and chat. It's all real classy though. We made each other mix CDs with love songs and he'd buy me tea and we'd just chat like romantic friends in every sense. I realized I was in love a few months after we confessed to each other and I think he realized the same thing not long after. Of course I began to inquire about his wife. Things got more and more real the more we met up and talked. She and my parents became suspicious. She would do things like argue and take his phone and tell him to stop talking to me. My parents caught me meeting with him without their permission but let it go cause we've had a lot of home issues this year and I need a good friend. For chrissake, he's talked me out of multiple panic attacks.

It all sounds really dodgy but it's not that much. I'm not naive like most people my age. People tell me all the time that I'm wise for my age and in general. Although I think anxiously, my actions are rational as long as I'm not mid-panic attack. He's not some random creepster. I know him well and trust him.

Anyway, back to the situation. Wife's been distant and bitchy. (and she cheated on him half a year into their marriage. At least he's being honest with her about me.) He said he feels stuck (between me and her). She'd been out of state for 2 months before a trip I had with the group he was directing. This trip started about 2 weeks ago and lasted for 8 days. The supervisors there started to notice things about us too. We hadn't done anything physical up to that point but a few nights into it we kissed. Made out even. Three nights in a row, and we had to stop or he would've been caught and fired. So we did.

He promised me that after the trip he'd remain my friend at least and said that he wanted to remain a good part of my life for many years. His wife got back in town a few days ago. He's admitted that he married too young. He had a talk with her and we just don't know. We're friends and in 5 months I'll be 18 and we both know that things will change then. How, we don't know. I'm a very anxious person and I just need advice on how to cope with this for 5 more months. A little part of me dies every time he mentions his wife or the fact that he's married and I know that he's been swaying toward me for quite some time but it's just so gut-wrenching to have to deal with. I suppose it would be good to mention that the two of them don't live together, or at least not much. She's out of town a lot and he has a roommate or two. Also to mention, he's going to grad school the same year I'm going to college. We're good at wishful thinking and it might lead somewhere but I just need to be stable for these next 5 unsure months. Any help on coping with the situation and the "waiting" time would be highly appreciated. I panic too much and I want to be relatively happy amidst all this. Sorry I seem to have written a novel haha.

[JackOffJill]

I can relate to what you are going through in the sense that I am unsure about a lot of things in my life, include relationship stuff. I know how tough it is to deal with unstable things when you are an anxious person- its just so difficult to function and to take your mind off the stuff you are unsure about.
I dont really have any good advice unfortunately. It seems like all you can do is either wait for him and see where his relationship with his wife goes- if it ends then take your relationship to the next level, and if it doesnt end, maybe go your separate ways. Or you could just walk away from it all now. I personally would walk away because I would be unable to deal with an unstable 5 month period like that where I am so unsure about what is going on. But if you dont want to walk away, all you can do is stick by and wait and see. Just try not to throw yourself completely into things because if something changes between he and his wife, unfortunately you are the 3rd wheel and would be the one left out. I dont want you to get hurt. I wish I knew what to say, but if you ever want to talk just PM me.

[dzzi]

Thanks for the reassurance. Yeah, I'm not going to walk away, I'm too stubborn and I love him way too much. I also want to remain at least friends with him for as long as possible. But yeah, I see what you're saying and I should definitely avoid becoming too dependent on him. Again, thanks. =)

[iHEAVENn]

Honestly.....
I'd walk away.

He's married, even if his marriage is rocky that bond deserves time to heal without interference from a 3rd party or feelings that might have popped up because of a fight in the marriage.

Just because she travels a lot doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings for her husband. (Feelings YOU should respect)

Yeah it sucks, but if their relationship isn't meant to last then fine, don't let it be because of you.
You need to back off, give him space and live your life. Don't sit around waiting for a married man to make up his mind, or for your age to roll over into a new digit.

Even if his relationship ends with his wife, I don't see anything good coming out of this.
Hopefully you wont get too hurt in the next coming months or years whatever. But more than likely you will get hurt by him.

[dzzi]

Let me quote one of the very first things I said.

"If you tell me I should stop talking to him, you are of no help to me because I refuse. It's simply not an option."

I will not walk away. I'm not some little homewrecker and he's not some guy who calls me when he has a fight with his wife. Also, we do respect how she feels. That's why we're being open about it. He communicates with her about me regularly and they sort through things as needed. He and I have a relationship and the three of us can sort out on our own, thanks. I didn't ask for your advice in that realm. I need help /coping/ with anxiety over time. That's what I asked for advice on. I'm willing to wait 5 months, and age does matter because I will legally be an adult then and therefore change will be less risky if we decide to do things about it. I've already made my decision in that regard and so has he. So please don't press your unwanted opinions when I asked for help on something else.

[savealife723]

Welcome to Teen Help!
I'm Kaylaaa! :]

I'm not sure if what I have to say will help at all, but I'm gonna try (:

Honestly, I don't think you should walk away. I was in this position a little while ago and although it's a little bit different because I'm not almost eightteen, the situation is very similar.

You say that walking away is not an option for you right now and I can understand why you say that. It's not easy to walk away from something that you are putting so much into. Honestly, my opinion, is that in these next five months, just contiune to keep learning about each other and what the other has to offer. Don't sneak around behind your parents back, but hang out when you can and see what happens. I think both of your feelings could change a lot in five months, and when you turn eightteen, if he has made up his mind that he loves you more than he loves her, then I think your situation should be well done by that time, and you can give him all to yourself. If he decides it's best to stay with his wife, then I'm sorry but there's not much you can do about that. I think it will be good for you guys to remain friends though even if that solution occurs. Right now I think it's most important though that you guys keep in touch. I would refrain from any sexual actions because you're under age and that would also make the fact clear that he's cheating on his wife.

I'm not sure of what else I can say on this matter, but I'm so sorry to hear that you are in a situation like that. I hope the best for you and if you ever need someone to talk to about this further, or anything else for that matter, you can always send me a private message.

Take care, and good luck.

- Kaylaaa <3.

[dzzi]

Thanks so much Kaylaaa, I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from and can give me some positive advice. And yeah, in writing that first post I realized that maybe it was time to be more honest with my parents about this. He's coming over to my mom's house in a few days so we can jam on guitar a bit and I'm so glad she's actually letting me hang out with him after I pulled that stunt awhile back. But yeah, I'll definitely send you a message if I need any more help on this stuff. Best wishes to you too =)

[iHEAVENn]

I'm not trying to be mean Dizzi
I'm simple trying to help you not get hurt.

It's not your place to work out THEIR relationship issues. And just because you guys are being open with her about it doesn't mean it's not hurting her.

If you don't want to walk away then fine, don't.
Wait out the 5 months, but LIVE your life. Meet new people make new friendships and have fun.
Don't let your world revolve around a maybe that might come in the next 5 months-whenever. (if you're going to be with him during his divorce which I'm assuming he'll be getting then be prepared for a rough few months)

Again not trying to be mean, just trying to help you not get hurt by offering the best advice I know of which is to walk away.

[dzzi]

Well I thank you for your concern but I never said I was working out their relationship issues. He and I have our stuff to deal with, he and her have their stuff to deal with. Heck, she and I even have some stuff we need to deal with, but I'm not butting in. And of course she's hurt. So am I. So is he. That's okay. I'd rather work through issues than avoid them. I respect your opinion but I cannot walk away at this point. You can't just walk away from someone you love and who makes you happy, especially if they feel the same way about you. It would leave many things unresolved and a friendship destroyed.

But I do really appreciate the rest of what you said. I'll keep in mind that it's important to not let this hog my attention and that I should live my life. If/when he decides to make changes to be with me, I'll stand by him through a potential divorce and everything, but I 'm gonna try not to dwell on something that may or may not happen months from now. Thanks, and sorry for being so harsh in explaining myself. I'm fairly sensitive when it comes to defending my decisions however rational they are. I guess it's the awkward anxious kid in me haha.