what am i to do?

[l0vergurl]

can someone please advice me? please. ):

i am 17, and i have a boyfriend who is 19 this year. we have been together for more than half a year now.

recently, i am very troubled by his past (2009) as he used to date girls he likes but not love. he used to date 3 girls (A, B, C) at the same time but didn't take them as girlfriends at all. there were no status for them. girl A onced asked him to be her boyfriend but he rejected her. but still, they dated. yet at that point of time, he was dating other girls as well. after awhile, he realised girl A treated him very nicely and that she like him, so he told himself to like her. and since he wanted to try out a relationship, he took her as half-girlfriend but didn't let anyone else know about it. he knew from his heart that he didn't love her at all and the most he can go with her was just the like-feeling which faded soon and there would be no future with her, but just a break-up sooner or later. he was never honest with anyone and always told lies. he never once cared about the other girls' feelings and doesn't really know their personal things at all.

so after a period of time, he started to feel boring about girl A and contacted lesser. and everytime he contacted her was just because he wanted to do those oral sexual things to satisfy himself, and at that point of time, he also did those oral sexual things with girl B to satisfy himself. sometimes when the girls didn't agreed to do, he would be unhappy but wouldn't show it. he has never told them anything about himself and personal stuff. he rarely go out with and contact all these girls unless he feel like he wants to do those oral sexual things. in dec 2009, girl A's parents found out about all these and contacted him and reprimanded him. he felt so terrible that he cried.

in jan 2010, i got to know him. and in feb, he asked me to be his girlfriend, which he never ask any girl before. i accepted of course and we were very happy together then.

but as a month pass, i got to know about his past. and he only officially broke up with girl A in march 2010, and he cried uncontrollably due to guilt towards her at that time. at that time when i knew, i was very upset, because he lied to me about not having any girls in his life before and that he took such a long period to have an official breakup with her. he explained that it was because, in the past, whoever that ask him whether he had any girlfriend, he would say no. but now, whoever that ask him whether he have any girlfriend, he would say yes and thats me. i was the first official girlfriend he have. also that he did not contact them for a very long time, even before he knew me, he stopped contacting them already. he also explained that he officially brokeup with girl A only in march because he didnt bothered about it and was lazy to contact her about it and when he was already with me, he did not contact her at all.

i was the 1st person he said "i love you" to and 1st that he wanted to do everything for and did everything he could for, to make me feel loved and happy. i was the 1st person he feel like letting everyone know that i am his. he brought me back home to see his parents and brought me to gatherings with his friends. he knew i wasn't comfortable with him mixing around with girls and so he stopped, and when he has any contact with any girls he would tell me everything. he promised he would not lie to me anymore as he cannot stand the thought of me leaving him (i hated liers) and as time goes by, he really did.

he spent all the free time he has with me, so we are almost together every single day. but i admit, we do did those sexual things together as well, and both of us lose our virginity to each other. he always try his best to make me very happy and when i am unhappy, he's feelings get affected as well. we've been through a couple of tough times together andhe still loves me very much. he tells me everything about his life and his personal things and even took the effort to know about my personal things too. he has always been by my side through it all and don't ever want to let me be alone again.

he never had the feeling that he would find love one day and so he never really thought about being with the girl he loves in the future, but being together with any random beautiful and smart girl (even if he doesn't love her). but now he says he feels that he really wants a future with me. he feels that i am the one he wants to spend his entire life with. he even talked to me about the future, our future, having a family. when he talked to his friends about his future, i was also included in his future. he could never imagine his life without me now. he never get bored of me and just want more time with me. he gave up everything just for me.

he had already let go of his past, but now, i am the one who cannot let it go. i feel so hurt by his past someway, that those actually haunts me. i can't stop asking questions about his past (like what he did with them and where he went with them) and he would just tell me everything even when its hurting him so badly as he sees my hurting so much cause of it. there were a few times he broke down because he wanted to help me let go of it all but he felt helpless and all he cound do was to watch me suffer. he wished he could take away my pain. he just wanted me to be happy.

i am so afraid that he would turn back to who he was. i am so afraid of getting hurt. i am so afraid of losing him. i am so afraid that one day he would have a change in his heart. i am so afraid and my fear made him feel that i distrust him and his love for me and that i just won't believe that our relationship is true and will last for forever. and that what other guy do (feeling fade, cheat and lie on their spouse in time), i would just assume he would also do it to me, which he is very sure that he won't do it to me cause he loves me alot. that hurt him alot but he wants to heal my heart and change my wrong view about the guys. he believes that our love for each other and relaitonship is true and will last for forever. he is very sure that he loves me so much and that will never change, and that i am the one he wants to marry, to be his wife.

what am i to do? can someone please advice me? the both of us really want to work this relationship out together. this is about me now. what am i suppose to do to let his past and my fears go?

[PSY]

It seems like your boyfriend truly is remorseful about what he did in the past (including the delay in breaking up with "Girl A"). From this point on, I would say "innocent until proven guilty"... and I suggest that you try and focus on two things:

1. The REALITY of your situation. Do you have any physical proof that he has cheated on you? Has he said anything to suggest that he would cheat on you or revert back to his old lifestyle? If you answered "no", then the bottom-line is that your fears have no REAL substance. So focus on what is REAL, not on what you IMAGINE could happen. If you continue to focus on your fears, then you may fall victim to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, if you believe that something bad could happen, your behavior will change... and if your behavior changes, you may in fact cause him to turn to other women for comfort. Don't let that happen!

2. The CURRENT situation. I know how difficult it is to stop focusing on the past. Believe me, I still get jealous whenever my current boyfriend brings up old crushes! But you HAVE to push those thoughts out of your mind as best you can. You will never truly get rid of them... but you CAN stop dwelling on them constantly. Keep telling yourself that the past is JUST the past, and the future will never be set in stone... so all you really can focus on is the present. RIGHT NOW, everything is fine (or will be, once you stop dwelling on his previous relationships).

There is no "quick fix" for forgetting about his past or letting your fears go. You just have to want it badly enough, and actively work toward your goal. If you are willing to give it your best effort, you CAN overcome these obstacles. =)

[lexi212]

My current boyfriend of 2 years is almost exactly like yours. He was my first EVERYTHING, and like you, I gave him my virginity. Im 17, and I honestly planned to save it for marriage, but life got to me. About 8 months ago, he told me the reason he had sex with me was to get over his ex and to stab her in the back. I felt so used, but I didnt do anything about it. In fact, I held him while he cried over HER. At this point, we had been dating for over a year. I understand how you feel. I hate his ex...Like, HATE her. But its because even after all this time, Im intimidated by her. I cant trust him. He talks about our future. A house, college, kids. But for me, its started to go in one ear and out the other. Its like its nice to hear, but I cant believe a word he says. Im gaurded around him. LIke, Ill talk about our future, but in my head, I talk myself into not believing in it and saving my backup plan. I can relate you your problems. Im here if you need to talk. I probably cant help, but I can relate to what youre going through, and honestly, Id love to have someone to talk to who shares my problem.

[Dana]

I agree with everything that PSY said. When I first started reading your post, I thought it was going to end with your boyfriend going back to his old ways. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If you trust him (and from what you said in your post I don't see an indication that he's ever lied to you) then that should let it go. The thing with him not breaking up with girl A was stupid, sure, but it does seem that he is truly remorseful about it. If you had waited longer to go out with him then maybe you would have found out more about his past. But now that's it's all said and done, it's time for you to move on, otherwise you risk losing your relationship (by becoming overly suspicious, needy, etc). Remember that he did all of those things he's never done before for YOU. It's not fair to make him hurt over his past before he met you. Don't let it jeopardize your future together.

[l0vergurl]

but my boyfriend has already let go of his past long ago. he don't even contact any of them or feel anythig towards them anymore. he always tell me that they were out of his life since a very long time ago, and it was me who can't let it go, keep bringing them back into both our lifes and our relationship.

and also, he does those oral sexual things with me not cause he wants to satisfy himself only (he did with the other girls in the past just to satisfy himself only), it is also because he did it out of love towards me. he had sex with me was out of love. and he is willing to stop doing all those sexual things with me if it bothers me, because he says that afterall he loves me and is together with me is not because of all those things (but he is with the girls in the past is just for the oral sexual things only), but he truly loves me alot and wants to be together with me.

he always feels that he want to make me happy and loved. he always want to be there for me. he gave me his everything and wants to do more for me. i am the 1st girl he felt this way towards and he says that he is very sure of his feelings towards me and he won't change back to how he was in the past and that he won't let our feelings fade away or have a change of heart. because to him, true love is very hard to come by in life and to him, he feels that i am his true love that came by and turn him to this whole new wonderful person. can i believe what he says about this? and does it mean that he is true to me? that he truely loves me but cause of my fear, i can't seem to feel his love?

[Dana]

I think you misread what I said. You're right-- the problem is not your boyfriend. The problem is your insecurities. Only you can decide whether or not he's telling you the truth (when he says he won't let the feelings fade, etc.), but from what you've posted I see no reason not to trust him. I do think your fear is getting in the way here. You need to get over his past and trust him. Otherwise your relationship will not work. Don't you think you're hurting your boyfriend by bringing up his past and not trusting him? If you love him, then you should let his past go. It's scary, but take the chance and don't be afraid to trust and love him.

[rhapsody]

I'm going to go against everything the others said and say I think you have every right to have fears or suspicions about this guy. He sounds so immature - he was using girls, with absolutely no thought for their feelings, up until only a few months ago; he couldn't even be bothered to end things with one of them; he lied to you; when someone's mum gave him a telling off, rather than sucking it up and taking his punishment, he cried like a kid. No he has only been with you for a little over 6 months and he's making all these overblown promises of marriage and kids - its way too much too soon and its an incredibly immature way to go about a relationship. Also you get swept up in the promises and the fantasy, making everything 1000 times more painful if/when things fall apart.

I don't doubt that, unlike those other poor girls, he has genuine feelings for you and that you can have a wonderful relationship together but he has behaved appallingly and he has to understand that you can't just forget all that within a couple of months - trust takes time to build. You may not agree with everything I have said but please don't think that you have a problem or that your feelings aren't allowed; if he continues to treat you well and prove his love to you then your relationship can only go from strength to strength and your fears about him will gradually disappear.

[l0vergurl]

thankyous dana! i get what you mean now. i know i still need time. i know i still need time to get over all of it. and i am willing to make the effort. i talked to him about it, we talked about everything that's bothering any of us. he says he would stay by my side and help me get through this like how we get through other things as well. thankyous so much for the encouragement! (:

and, i apologise, its my fault, i didn't make it clear yet, he didn't contact them for like about 2months before he met me. he admitted that he was immature then, and now he really wants to prove his love for me using time. he doesn't blame me for not being able to trust him yet cause he'd lied to me before.

he knows clearly that he can't support me right now cause the both of us are still too young to get married and he doesn't have the ability to support me and a family yet. but he feel that he wants a family with me in the future. but i get what you mean. trust needed to be built over time. but am i also being too hurt (i had afew bad relationships in the past) and fearful that i might push him away in the end?

are we going on a pace that is too fast? cause i sometimes feel that way and i did let him know about it before. he says we can slow things down. how would i know whether his feelings for me will be true and last forever?

[rhapsody]

Originally Posted by l0vergurl

thankyous dana! i get what you mean now. i know i still need time. i know i still need time to get over all of it. and i am willing to make the effort. i talked to him about it, we talked about everything that's bothering any of us. he says he would stay by my side and help me get through this like how we get through other things as well. thankyous so much for the encouragement! (:

and, i apologise, its my fault, i didn't make it clear yet, he didn't contact them for like about 2months before he met me. he admitted that he was immature then, and now he really wants to prove his love for me using time. he doesn't blame me for not being able to trust him yet cause he'd lied to me before.

he knows clearly that he can't support me right now cause the both of us are still too young to get married and he doesn't have the ability to support me and a family yet. but he feel that he wants a family with me in the future. but i get what you mean. trust needed to be built over time. but am i also being too hurt (i had afew bad relationships in the past) and fearful that i might push him away in the end?

are we going on a pace that is too fast? cause i sometimes feel that way and i did let him know about it before. he says we can slow things down. how would i know whether his feelings for me will be true and last forever?

You only really know how strong you love for each other is once the initial infatuation has passed and you can clearly see what's left - which normally happens 12 - 18 months into a relationship.

I wouldn't worry just yet about pushing him away. It has only been a few months yet and if he loves you enough that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you then I'm sure he can stick with you through this. I really wish you would stop blaming yourself for this; the way you feel is a consequence of his past actions and he needs to deal with that.

[Dana]

Originally Posted by l0vergurl

are we going on a pace that is too fast? cause i sometimes feel that way and i did let him know about it before. he says we can slow things down. how would i know whether his feelings for me will be true and last forever?

If I knew the answer to that question I could be making millions off of a self help book. It reminds of that part in the movie 'Juno' when Juno asks her father if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever. I guess the answer is that you don't know. It sounds scary, but again, we have to take a chance and face our fears, otherwise we'd never get anything done or grow as a person (this includes getting hurt and learning from your past mistakes, ie: past relationships). So my advice is to take it slow and enjoy it while it lasts. Take every day as it comes. If you two are right for each other, and with love, trust, and effort, you can make the relationship last.

[l0vergurl]

and how would i know that the initial infatuation has passed? and how is he going to deal with it? he isn't sure of how either and he wants to know what could be done to help us both.

as long as we stick by each other with love, trust and effort, things will turn better right? thankyous so much all for the advices! (: i guess i should stop being so paranoid over what isn't true but what i think may be true?

[cecelia]

um wow im srry i cant believe u have an issue with him. he sounds like an amazing guy. really he does. look the past is the past no one caan change but u can forget about it. its ok to be cautious about the past but dont hold onto it to the point it will tear u apart from someone u love. i dont think he will go back to who he was but then again no one knows u just have to trust that he will stay and be faithful and trustful to u. trust him and love him. and let the past go. there is no point in holding onto somethings that is forever unchangable.