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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
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How do I make my boyfriend feel more loved and more secure - October 6th 2010, 12:02 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 months and I have never felt so strongly about anyone.
I love him so much and I would do anything for him. I have always had a problem with being close to someone entirely and recently this has started causing a problem. I don't mean to do it, I don't ever mean to make him feel as though he doesn't matter but I do. I don't want my boyfriend to feel like this because he is the most amazing person and he makes me so happy. A lot of the problems I have with being close to someone I think stems from a lot of bad relationships where I've not had someone who is interested in wanting to be around me all the time and not having someone who has truly loved me. Now I have someone who loves me completely and adores me I want to keep him.
My boyfriend couldn't do enough for me, he always picks me up from work, walks me home, he takes me out and most importantly he wants to spend as much time with me as he can. My boyfriend supports me in every way possible, but he really does feel like I'm pushing him away from me, sometimes without realising it I act quite distant, or I just won't cuddle up to him like I usually do. I don't know what makes me do this, it's like I get to a point and he gets to know so much I almost don't want him to get to know anymore for fear of being hurt.

I love him so much and I don't want to lose him because of my insecurities and fears.
So could someone please advise me on how to me more in touch with my emotions and how to make him feel more secure.
Other than this we have an amazing relationship... I just don't want my stupidity to ruin things.
Thanks,
Paige
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How do I make my boyfriend feel more loved and more secure - October 6th 2010, 01:51 AM

There are two things you can do to start to remedy this situation.

The first is to sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious talk with him. Let him know you see all the things that he does and how much you appreciate him. Let him know how much you care about him. But explain to him that you have some lingering problems from past relationships that are keeping you from being as close as you want to be in this one. Open up about those issues in detial, if you like; it may help him understand what is going on with you. Let him know the signs or things you might do to push him away when you are struggling with these issues, but that they do not mean you don't care for him or appreciate him. Ask for his patience and understanding, and his support for you in helping you to deal with them.

The second, key piece to make this work is to actually face them and deal with them; it does no good to have someone support you if you aren't actually working to overcome them. That support is meant to be something to lean on, not something to be your crutch. If possible, try and see a therapist about dealing with these issues, or at least talk to somebody who can help you really process them and get to the core of them. It's hard work, but it will pay off if you can really look at yourself and figuring out how to change those beliefs from those past relationships.

Between the two of these things, you can improve that situation with your boyfriend, but without one or both of them things will continue to leave a rift between you two.


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Re: How do I make my boyfriend feel more loved and more secure - October 6th 2010, 03:09 PM

I think you just need to talk to him. Communication can fix a lot of things, and if you just let each other know how you feel, you'll feel a lot better. And you will be able to fix what ever you issues that you both feel that you have in the relationship.

Just talk it out. Take care.


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Re: How do I make my boyfriend feel more loved and more secure - October 6th 2010, 03:51 PM

Hey, just someone else popping in to say that I agree. Talking to him is really the best thing you can do. Be clear and calm and let him know just how you feel. Let him know that you're still coping with past relationships and that you really do care about him.

I also agree that you need to figure out exactly what you're doing to be distant and pulling away, and try to stop. It's not going to be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.
   
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Re: How do I make my boyfriend feel more loved and more secure - October 6th 2010, 04:20 PM

Hey Paige,

I totally understand and see why bad experiences in past relationships would make you cautious when it comes to this new relationship of yours and I agree with everyone else when they say that you should probably try talking to him about the situation and the way that you're feeling. In my opinion, communication within a relationship is one of the most important things and it's pretty clear that your boyfriend loves you so once he knows why you act the way you do then I'm sure he'll want to help you get through it.

I hope everything works out well for you!



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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
xxpaigiexx Offline
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Re: How do I make my boyfriend feel more loved and more secure - October 7th 2010, 12:46 AM

Thanks to you all for your comments and advice,
I will definitely speak to my boyfriend because this is something I really want to work on and improve in our relationship, not just for his sake but my own because I know I can't keep doing this, it's only going to create issues that there don't need to be
Thank you all!
Paige
xxxx
   
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