GBLT: regaining trust?

[CommonChaos]

So ..

I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He's my first boyfriend, and seeing as how I'm gay .. that pretty much makes him my first real relationship.

He cheated on me with one of my friends quite a few months ago. For the most part I think I've forgiven him. I don't think about it so much anymore, but it still really bothers me when I do. And I can't help but to feel suspicious whenever he's with his male friends.

I feel bad for it, but I seriously don't think I can go through the pain of being cheated on again. Especially after not breaking up with him. Fool me once ..

Anyway, I hate feeling so unsure when he goes out with other guys. Before he cheated, I never even thought twice. I guess I'm kinda naive, but I assumed he wouldn't do anything like that. It didn't ever bother me when he flirted with other guys, but I assumed that was just part of who he was. I'd never think he'd go further than that.


I kinda think it's my fault that he cheated though. I've had issues with sexuality and he .. doesn't. I would sort of lock up and get scared when he tried to initiate sex, and I can see how that could drive someone to cheat .. I have, for the most part, gotten over it. I'm a lot more comfortable with him now and it's only happened once or twice in the past couple of months.


I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to trust him again, and I hate, hate being the suspicious partner. I want that feeling to stop.

Help?

[MacGuffin]

First of all, never blame yourself for your partner cheating on you. It has nothing to do with you; him cheating is based on his own issues. Even if you think you "drove" him to cheat on you, he could have talked with you about things; he had alternative. It's not your fault.

Secondly, I don't blame you for being suspicious when he goes out with friends. A partner cheating on you is a huge violation of trust in a relationship, and whether you realize it or not, it fragments it. It would be very, very hard for the relationship to ever return to how it once was. For many people it is a hard limit in a relationship for that very reason: they could never trust their partner again.

If you want to stay with him, I would talk to him if you haven't already. Let him know how you feel about it, or let him know you are still having trouble trusting him. See if you can work something out, so that you figure out why the cheating occurred and how to remedy the situation so your partner feels his needs are met.

No matter what, you deserve better than to live in suspicion and fear; that is not a healthy relationship. Good luck to you.

[Daydreamer]

It is in no way your fault that he cheated on you. And just because you get nervous about sex sometimes doesn't mean that he has the right to look for it elsewhere. He should be understanding and accepting of that. If you're still feeling really anxious about him cheating talking to him about it might help. Have you tried addressing these fears with him directly?

[Tess*]

When someone gets cheated on it is never ever ever their fault.
Definitely talk to him. He should be understanding of your feelings, about everything, and trying to work with you.. not go hurt you.
If he does it again or is a jerk about it, it's time to find someone better.

[CommonChaos]

I tried to talk to him after a month, maybe a little more. He got mad. Honestly, out of every fight I've had with him that's the one that really stuck/bothered me. He said something along the lines of 'if you want to relive that you can do that on your own' ..

He did apologize later though. He has a short fuse sometimes.

It did come up recently. He had a friend who needed help and he went over to his house. Ended up staying the night there. I wasn't very talkative when he came back. I was scared he had cheated, and towards the end of the night he told me he hadn't cheated on me, if that was what i was thinking.

It was hard for him to say that though. He said something about how hard it was to bring it up because that meant he isn't the only one who remembers that he 'fucked up'.

[MacGuffin]

Then perhaps he does genuinely feel bad about it. I would still talk to him though because it's obviously bothering you. Tell him you don't think he is necessarily doing it now, and you aren't accusing him, but that you don't think you ever got closure from when it happened, and would like to discuss it with him.

[SummerTiger]

You have to be willing to face your fears or problems together and work them out. Only then can your relationship improve and grow. Whatever you do, don't gloss over his cheating if you still feel bad about it.

It is NOT your fault that he did that. Your boyfriend should have been more understanding of how you felt about sex. Remember -- there's two of you now, it's a "we" thing not an "I" thing. Whenever one of you wants to do something, think of how it will affect your relationship together. By that logic, your boyfriend should have thought ahead, and concluded that cheating is one of the worst things you can do to a relationship. No matter how you look at it, he breached your trust. But seeing as he seems to be remorseful about it, you should use ths opportunity to see what went wrong and to decide together that cheating isn't something that will be tolerated.

There are some ground rules that should be set. A relationship needs a little tough love, so to speak. Whenever you have aproblem with your boyfriend's behavior, you should ALWAYS speak up. Otherwise, the issues will snowball if you sweep them under the rug.

Myself, I have also been in my very first relationship for just over a year now. I've had my issues with sex as well as lots of other things. But if I hadn't spoken up about them, this wouldn't BE a relationsip -- it would just be my boyfriend kind of doing whatever he wants since there is no input from ME!

So: a relationship is a responsibility. You owe it to yourself to confront your boyfriend about what happened and show him that you care about the both of you and your happiness.

Hope some part of that helps. Keep us updated on how it goes?

All the best,
Tiger