How do I get over a normal part of human relationships?

[QuantumModulus]

I was having a conversation with my girlfriend the other day, and (for reasons I can't quite remember) I asked her if she ever felt the urge to "check out" any other guys, in terms of their physical attractiveness. I'm a little insecure about it, and she said no...but she's a terrible liar, and I hate being patronized...so I asked again. She told me that yes, she does find other men attractive...but immediately jumped to say that I was already perfect as I am. This bothered me a bit, because I don't find myself "checking out" other women and hardly think any of them are attractive when compared to my girlfriend...but honestly I can't expect that she'd feel the same way about me. I'm not perfect, and it's natural to have feelings like that even in a relationship; but regardless...I'm bothered by it.

I know I'm being irrational by behaving so jealous and immature, but my self esteem is already scraping along the bottom levels of low, and when I think that she's checking other guys out harmlessly...it feels like she's seeing things in them that she doesn't see in me which she likes; and it hurts. It shouldn't, and I completely understand that...but I can't help it. I asked her if she found any guys around her more attractive than me...and she said yes. I was a bit upset and left for a little while, and after I came back and cooled down, I wanted to talk to her about it...I couldn't leave the negative tension between us...and she denied ever saying that she finds anyone more attractive than me. I don't know what to think, but taking her word for these types of things doesn't seem very effective -- she says things that will make me happy, unless I pry. I've just stopped asking questions.

I feel like she's not satisfied by me in a visual sense, and resorts to fawning over other guys when I'm not around (which is often...we're in an LDR) to make up for it. I know it's not right of me to pretend like I know what she's thinking, but I'm not going to jeopardize my relationship further by asking her to answer questions I'd rather not know the answers to...

I just want to get rid of this feeling of inadequacy, and stop being so irrational about this whole situation...but it's extremely difficult. This is my first time experiencing a relationship like this and the thought of her fantasizing about other men just rips me to shreds...especially when I never think about how attractive any woman is...unless it's her.

[Pascha]

Normally in my experience it's the guy in the relationship who openly admits to being attracted to other women and the woman who does but keeps quiet about it. I'm certain that the reason she's reluctant to answer your questions is that she's afraid of hurting you. The thing to remember is that while she may be attracted to other guys, you're the person that she's chosen to be with and that's what really matters especially in an LDR. However long distance does also mean it's more difficult to trust each other and it seems to me that what you're lacking is trust because she's admitted to being attracted to other girls.

You're not being irrational and your feeling regarding the matter are normal. Everyone has trouble with trust at some point in their relationship and it's a hurdle that can only be taken with time.

Unfortunately there will never be a real solution to the problem. I've known a lot of boys who've struggled with the same sort of feelings and the only thing they can do is show the other person how much they care about them and learn to trust them. There are many reasons why a woman would cheat on her boyfriend but chief among them is unhappiness in the relationship and I don't mean unhappiness through lack of physical attraction. She wouldn't be dating you if there wasn't physical attraction. It sounds shallow but it is a major element in choosing a partner. Don't worry, you've nothing to be insecure about on that front. But keep letting her know that you care about her and definitely sit down and have a talk with her about your feelings! She needs to know that you're feeling worried and if you talk to her about it she will give you the consolation you need.

It's important for you to understand that she's only human and she'll think about other men from time to time, but let me tell you as a woman, those little mini crushes or fantasies will last less than a week and then she'll move past it. It's not something she can help but clearly it's something she's not proud of or she wouldn't have tried to lie about it to you in the first place.

I hope this helps, good luck!

[QuantumModulus]

It's not necessarily a lack of trust...I completely trust that she would never cheat on me or leave me because of someone she finds more physically attractive. But, I do feel inadequate because of the fact that she does find others attractive...

I've spoken to her quite lengthily about it, and she said that she couldn't help but feel attracted to other guys...but then told me that she still wants to be with me. It was an extremely confusing combination of phrases...and, she knows that I already have low self esteem. I told her that I was worried that if she kept finding other guys more attractive, over time her interests would change and she would realize that I no longer fit her ideal partner model...

I suppose the fact that she even finds others attractive means that I'm not her ideal partner.

I can understand min-crushes and fantasies (to be completely honest, the thought of her having one of these...terrifies me ) lasting for brief periods when not in a relationship...but it feels like if one's girl/boyfriend experiences this sort of major distraction it indicates that they're not very compatible in the first place...and I don't imagine that it does wonders for his/her self esteem. I absolutely hate thinking that my girlfriend and I aren't compatible...

Obviously she's not proud of gawking over other men...who would be? Sigh... She's not as attracted to me as I am to her...and it feels awful..

[PSY]

Every woman you date will find other men attractive. The important thing is to remember that they've chosen YOU.

Your girlfriend is being honest with you. She finds other men attractive (because that's only natural), AND she wants to be with you. The problem is that being perfectly honest CAN be hurtful. That's why people tell little white lies in relationships - they want to spare the other person's feelings.

Another problem is that you're not letting her do that. For some reason, you feel it's absolutely necessary to poke and prod until you get the whole truth - and you can't handle the whole truth. Few people can, but most people don't keep pushing until they hear the answer they know is true (and that they also dread). In the back of their mind, they know their partners finds other people attractive... but since the relationship is going smoothly, they're content to let things slide. It's only when their partner begins to act strangely that they start to press harder in order to get the whole truth, in order to determine whether or not their partner has been unfaithful.

You said you trust your partner, but you're still pressing for the whole truth... try to realize that this WILL put a strain on your relationship over time, and it could lead to her breaking up with you.

There is no such thing as an ideal partner. We all have to compromise when it comes to relationships. We all have small differences that set us at odds with one another from time to time. The key is to make your relationship a successful one, despite the little problems you'll face over the course of time.

[Pascha]

Low self esteem can be a tough thing to get past, I understand what you're struggling with. The hard truth is that most girls think about other guys sometimes when their in a relationship, it's natural and there's nothing she can do about it. What you have to do is learn to accept that and accept the fact that it doesn't mean she's attracted to you any less. If you weren't the right guy for her, she wouldn't be dating you, trust me. But things can change in the future, you're right about that, and there is always a possibility that things won't work out for you two in the end, it's a reality you just have to accept. Just enjoy being with her, when she's with you, I assure you her mind is on you too! After a few years in a relationship you stop worrying about these sorts of things.

[QuantumModulus]

Originally Posted by PSY

Every woman you date will find other men attractive. The important thing is to remember that they've chosen YOU.

She chooses me, but that may be for reasons other than my appearance. She could find my personality and other mental factors irresistible while my appearance is so-so, and gets a visual fix from the body she actually wants me to have...

Originally Posted by PSY

Your girlfriend is being honest with you. She finds other men attractive (because that's only natural), AND she wants to be with you. The problem is that being perfectly honest CAN be hurtful. That's why people tell little white lies in relationships - they want to spare the other person's feelings.

Another problem is that you're not letting her do that. For some reason, you feel it's absolutely necessary to poke and prod until you get the whole truth - and you can't handle the whole truth. Few people can, but most people don't keep pushing until they hear the answer they know is true (and that they also dread). In the back of their mind, they know their partners finds other people attractive... but since the relationship is going smoothly, they're content to let things slide. It's only when their partner begins to act strangely that they start to press harder in order to get the whole truth, in order to determine whether or not their partner has been unfaithful.

There is no such thing as an ideal partner.

The thing is, the longer a little while lie stays a little while lie, it grows and when it's uncovered, it usually becomes much more difficult to deal with for the person shielded from it. I don't want to be led by the nose by putting my faith into something I know isn't true, and then have a rude awakening when I find out that she's been checking out guys the whole time.

I think that in terms of human flaws, there can be an ideal partner. I don't feel like I'm the one for her because she feels the desire to check out other guys... If she found me completely attractive like she says then she wouldn't even feel the urge.

Originally Posted by Pascha

The hard truth is that most girls think about other guys sometimes when their in a relationship, it's natural and there's nothing she can do about it. What you have to do is learn to accept that and accept the fact that it doesn't mean she's attracted to you any less. If you weren't the right guy for her, she wouldn't be dating you, trust me...when she's with you, I assure you her mind is on you too!

I'm sorry, but I simply don't understand the mechanics of the situation...if she finds other men attractive, I can guarantee that there is at least a little bit of comparison going on between myself and whatever guy she's looking at. That's inevitable. I'm insecure because I know that some of those guys are probably going to be more attractive than me, and to be honest I want to be the best that my girlfriend can have, but now I feel as though it's not true.

Originally Posted by Pascha

After a few years in a relationship you stop worrying about these sorts of things.

I can't carry this stuff around with me for a few years until it disappears...

[PSY]

Maybe you're just not ready for a serious romantic relationship, Jorge. You're 17, there's still a great deal of maturing you could do in the years to come. You said this is a "normal part of human relationships", yet you seem incapable of accepting the truth - whether it's delivered immediately or discovered later on after uncovering a little white lie. That, or your girlfriend simply may not be "the one" for you. Maybe you need a girl who is going to accept you completely, physically and mentally, without ever having any doubt in her mind that you aren't "the one" as well.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

[Pascha]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with it, but physcial attraction is just something that's in our genes. It's human, as you yourself pointed out. Perhaps you'll understand when you meet another girl you find attractive (and trust me, you will). This trait is the reason why so many people have trust issues in relationships, there will always be a fear that your partner might see something she likes in someone else, something that you don't have. But that is a fear that drives us to be everything we can be to make our partner happy! It's always going to be there in a new relationship. Always. And over time you will adjust to it, it's something everyone has to go through. If there's something leading you to believe that your girl is cheating on you, then you might have a reason to break up with her, but until then your only reason is you inability to accept reality as it is. I'm sorry, but there's just no other advice we can give.

[QuantumModulus]

Originally Posted by Pascha

This trait is the reason why so many people have trust issues in relationships, there will always be a fear that your partner might see something she likes in someone else, something that you don't have. But that is a fear that drives us to be everything we can be to make our partner happy!

Yes, you've got it quite right here. I'm afraid that she'll see something she likes in someone else that I just don't have. I'm not going to lie; I'm terrified of it. I just don't understand why this is an invalid fear...I think it's valid to be worried about how attracted one's partner is to him/her because I think full attraction is vital to a stable, long lasting relationship. And if there's something another guy has that I don't (physically) then there's nothing I can do to alter myself to meet the other facet my girlfriend's preferences. If we were to discuss personality, expression, compassion, etc...then I would agree completely, but there are a lot of physical things that I just can't change. If I could, you know I'd be the first one to take action based on that.

I understand why you said the things you said in your last comment; PSY basically summed my point up in the most concise way -- I know what the truth is, I just have a hard time accepting it.

[Double X]

:/ You are deriving your personal happiness from another person, which is quite unhealthy. I'd be a little jealous if she was chatting up guys, but if she just finds them attractive, who cares.

You care because she is perfect to you. By 'perfect' I mean you want no one else. This often stems from not thinking you can do any better. I know that sounds hideous, but if your self-esteem is low, you often cling to your boyfriend/girlfriend like crazy because you don't think you can do any better. As shitty as this sounds, stop thinking about her so much, go work out and chat up some other girls harmlessly. It will boost your self-esteem and make both of you happier.

[Pascha]

Originally Posted by QuantumModulus

I just don't understand why this is an invalid fear...I think it's valid to be worried about how attracted one's partner is to him/her because I think full attraction is vital to a stable, long lasting relationship. And if there's something another guy has that I don't (physically) then there's nothing I can do to alter myself to meet the other facet my girlfriend's preferences.

It's not invalid at all, but everyone has it. I agree completely with you in that physical attraction is a huge part of a relationship, however just because she's attracted to other guys doesn't mean she thinks they're more attractive than you; she can still be attracted to and fantasize about guys who are less attractive. And that said, just because someone is more attractive than you (which is entirely a matter of opinion) doesn't mean that she would choose that person over you! It's not really as black and white as that. The reason women fantasize about other men isn't because they'd rather be with them than the man they love, it's just that it's something different. Even if you're the most attractive man on the planet, there will still be other people who your girlfriend will fancy. And while physical attraction does play a major role in attraction, it is not the only factor, your personality is why she loves you. Not your looks.

[QuantumModulus]

Originally Posted by Double X

You care because she is perfect to you. By 'perfect' I mean you want no one else.

Indeed; that couldn't be more true.

Originally Posted by Double X

This often stems from not thinking you can do any better. I know that sounds hideous, but if your self-esteem is low, you often cling to your boyfriend/girlfriend like crazy because you don't think you can do any better.

Yes, it does sound hideous...because it has nothing to do with my confidence in my ability to get women. I'm not with her because I don't think I can get any more attractive women than her. I'm with her because nobody else makes me feel the way she does, and I love that feeling. I don't really think I cling to her to any extreme degree because of insecurity either; we're in a long distance relationship and if I were as clingy as I've seen regular relationships become, it would have ended a long time ago.

Originally Posted by Double X

As shitty as this sounds, stop thinking about her so much, go work out and chat up some other girls harmlessly. It will boost your self-esteem and make both of you happier.

Knowing that I can effectively flirt with other girls harmlessly doesn't do anything for my self-esteem. How attracted my girlfriend is to me is the only preoccupation I have in that area; I couldn't care less about attracting anyone else. Several women have made advances on me since I moved away from her, and now with this new advent it's only hurt my self-esteem, strangely enough...

Originally Posted by Pascha

It's not invalid at all, but everyone has it. I agree completely with you in that physical attraction is a huge part of a relationship, however just because she's attracted to other guys doesn't mean she thinks they're more attractive than you; she can still be attracted to and fantasize about guys who are less attractive. And that said, just because someone is more attractive than you (which is entirely a matter of opinion) doesn't mean that she would choose that person over you! It's not really as black and white as that. The reason women fantasize about other men isn't because they'd rather be with them than the man they love, it's just that it's something different. Even if you're the most attractive man on the planet, there will still be other people who your girlfriend will fancy. And while physical attraction does play a major role in attraction, it is not the only factor, your personality is why she loves you. Not your looks.

[Edited]

I know that if she finds others attractive, they aren't necessarily more attractive than me in her eyes...I know that all of the possible scenarios you said above are possible and common. But it doesn't change if they are conducive to a healthy sexual relationship, does it? :/ Of course being attracted to others outside of the relationship is common, but it makes me feel like it makes the mutual attraction between the two partners a bit weaker...or at least that one finds the other more attractive than vice-versa. If I need to clarify what I mean here, don't hesitate to ask.

I'm sorry, but the idea that she fantasizes about other guys because it's "different" and in some way 'refreshing' makes me really insecure. I don't think I have to elaborate on this point.