Faded love, she hates me, what do you think?

[Kmn483]

Ok, so I need some opinions on this. I recently told my ex-girlfriend(who I was dating at the time) that i just couldn't feel anything towards her anymore, I just felt like she was just a good friend now, nothing much more. She suggested we went our seperate ways, and I asked her if she was ok with this, she said yeah, and left. two days later I talked to her, and asked what she thought of our break up, and she said that it really doesn't matter.... and i was very sad with that, but realised i had to move on from her. Now on the day that I said that i had no feelings for her anymore, right before that, in fact, i was talking to the sister of good friend of mine, and she was EXTREMELY depressed about never having a boyfriend, and she said that she's been A LOT of dates, but nothing past that, she's been rejected just so many times....Well i felt VERY sorry for her, and well i told her that i would be together with her, had i not been with my girlfriend at the time. Then later that day all that happened at the top of the story, and two days after we broke up, after she said that she didn't care about being broken up, i saw The sister of my friend, and basically we hooked up. the next day my ex talked to me, somehow she found out i was dating agian, and she hated me over it, saying that I broke her heart when i said i didn't love her anymore, and she thought I broke up with her, so that I could date my friend's sister. I told her that when she said she didnt care about us being apart, i felt like i had to move on, and since my friend's sister really needed someone, I was with her, and that I really, just didn't love her anymore, it just happened in that way.... I DIDN'T LEAVE HER FOR My Current GF.... ok o there's alot wrong here, i see, but now my ex hates me, and thinks that i left her for my current, but I DIDN'T! Would this be expected? Is she overreacting? Should she be mad at me? Did I really do something bad? I had the best of intentions......

[Acheron]

You can't expect rational disinterest from a girl you recently dumped. She's angry and jealous probably because she still has some feelings for you. You didn't do anything terrible, although getting a new girlfriend because you feel sorry for her doesn't entirely sit well with me. But your ex is obviously going to be pissed when you find a new girlfriend a couple of days after breaking up, and it isn't unreasonable of her to think that you dumped her so you could upgrade. Just ignore her until she gets over it.

[Kmn483]

*sighs* yah, you do have a point, it just bothers me that she's angry at me. i hope that soon I can get her to understand the truth. And yeah, maybe it isn't right to date someone because your sorry for them, but it was something I HAD to do, i felt so bad for her, and if she's happy, so am I.

[PlayingPretend]

Honestly, look at it from her point of view. Imagine if you were the one who was dumped, and a few days later, you found out she'd hooked up with or she'd started going out with someone new. Don't you think you might feel the least bit replaced? Or suspicious that maybe there was something going on before the break-up? I'd certainly feel the same, and I can think of others who would, too.

That being said, that doesn't mean she's right, but she's not currently going to see that. Like Acheron said, you can't expect "rational disinterest." She's not over the relationship, because that takes time, and her saying she "didn't care"... to believe anyone who says they "don't care" in a vulnerable situation is... Well, don't. That's all I'll say is don't typically tend to believe it. Because I think we've all said "fine" or "you know what, I don't care" at some point in our lives without having really meant it. It's often a way of disguising our hurt or of even trying to convince ourselves that it doesn't matter when, all too often, it does.

But she needs to be allowed the time to heal. It's possible you can approach her further down the line and explain the situation, assuming it still matters, but as it stands, she's heartbroken. Right now, she's not going to be able to sit down and think about and see things logically, because she's hurt, and things tend to be blown out of proportion when you've been stung, because you're that much more sensitive and that much more vulnerable. She needs to be allowed that. You may not feel anything anymore for her, and you may want to be friends, but at this point in time, she needs to work through her feelings for you and come to you in her own time and on her own terms.

In regards to dating the other girl, I don't see why you're dating someone you feel sorry for. I've never understood the whole "if they're happy, I'm happy" argument. Unless you actually have feelings for this girl, then I really don't see the relationship having much of a happy ending. Because eventually, "her" happiness and your lack thereof is only going to breed resentment and hostility into your dynamic - even if you don't think it will now. If you do like her, then great, but honestly, it's very rare that it works out that you go into a relationship because you feel sorry for someone and then end up falling madly in love. Not to mention that if she ever finds out the reasons why you went out with her, then it's going to do her more damage than "never having had a proper boyfriend."

[Acheron]

Originally Posted by Kmn483

*sighs* yah, you do have a point, it just bothers me that she's angry at me. i hope that soon I can get her to understand the truth.

Don't try and get her to understand. She's hurting, and trying to explain to her will only make her hurt worse. Just leave her to figure things out herself. If she wants to still be friends, she'll try in a few weeks, or a few months, or however long. If she doesn't, well, that's just one of the hazards of dating.

And yeah, maybe it isn't right to date someone because your sorry for them, but it was something I HAD to do, i felt so bad for her, and if she's happy, so am I.

If you had to do it, you had to do it, but don't expect a healthy relationship. You can't let your happiness depend on someone else's like that. You're only going to end up resenting her when the pity fades and you realise you're dating someone that you don't actually like.

[Kmn483]

Originally Posted by PlayingPretend

Honestly, look at it from her point of view. Imagine if you were the one who was dumped, and a few days later, you found out she'd hooked up with or she'd started going out with someone new. Don't you think you might feel the least bit replaced?

She's not over the relationship, because that takes time, and her saying she "didn't care"... to believe anyone who says they "don't care" in a vulnerable situation is... Well, don't. That's all I'll say is don't typically tend to believe it.

But she needs to be allowed the time to heal. It's possible you can approach her further down the line and explain the situation, assuming it still matters, but as it stands, she's heartbroken. she needs to work through her feelings for you and come to you in her own time and on her own terms.

In regards to dating the other girl, I don't see why you're dating someone you feel sorry for. Not to mention that if she ever finds out the reasons why you went out with her, then it's going to do her more damage than "never having had a proper boyfriend."

Yeah, i can understand what she's feeling, i just wish it wasnt so. Yeah, i guess she wasnt really alright with it. I plan to talk to her in time, and hopefully it's not a feeling that will build with her. And with dating my current GF, i relise it doesn't make much sense, but thats just from how you see it; it's actually a diffrent way then it seems because of the way we are dating.... i can't really explain it.

Originally Posted by Acheron

Don't try and get her to understand. She's hurting, and trying to explain to her will only make her hurt worse. Just leave her to figure things out herself. If she wants to still be friends, she'll try in a few weeks

If you had to do it, you had to do it, but don't expect a healthy relationship. You can't let your happiness depend on someone else's like that. You're only going to end up resenting her when the pity fades and you realise you're dating someone that you don't actually like.

Well, i hope at least my apologies did something. Once again with the current relationship, it may not be strong, or last for even awhile, but ill stick to it, and under the way we are dating, I'm pretty sure, me just being there, is enough for her.

[WillO'Wisp]

You have the right to move on. Your ex hasn't moved on and still isn't over you, and so when she saw you were dating someone she got angry with you. It wouldn't have mattered how you two broke up or who you were dating, she still would've been jealous because she's not over it.
She may hate you now or she may just need time to cool off because she's still hurt and angry over the whole thing, but you sincerely thought she didn't care because she told you that. So what does she expect you to do, wait around for her?
You have nothing to feel bad about. If she calms down one day and talks to you again then she'll do it in her own time, if she doesn't then screw her, if she's going to act childish over the whole thing.

[Kmn483]

So what am I suposed to do? just wait and see if she eventually talks again to me?

[Kmn483]

Well, As it turns out we are ok now. What ended up happening is that we talked through our status's on a website, and then we ened up actually talking, with much reluctance from her, then we just worked things out. I realised alot of it was really my fault, and she understands now that I didn't leave her from my current GF. so now everything is cool and stuff.