I'm the 'Single Friend'

[goldenlock]

Hello,
i recently got dumped by my boyfriend as he was going traveling.
All of my girl friends are in relationships, all have been with their boyfriends for 6 years. Now i'm single, things have changed and i feel they are looking at me with judging eyes. I want to go out and meet new people as i find it depressing hanging around with couples all week long.
We all went out to a party and i was chatting to some guys and girls, all really nice and easy to talk to. Then things went down hill, my girl friends came over telling me they don't like the look of them and being quite judging calling them all the names under the sun. It carried on all night with who ever i talked to and i felt they didn't want me meeting new people, that everything was fine hanging around with them. It was until recently but its getting to me being single around them. I want to be happy i'm single, not mope. I'm not looking for a rebound or anything like that at all, just meeting other singles and having my friends 'let me' in a way.

Any other 'Single friends' out there with any tips??
Any help would be amazing. x

[Katrina]

Hey.

First off, sorry to hear about the recent break up - those are never fun. You seem to be handling it really well with a lot of dignity and class, though, so I really do commend you for that. (:

As far as your friends go, it sounds like they LIKE having you as then "token" single friend...which I find to be quite ridiculous! I have no idea why your friends aren't encouraging you to meet new people. Have you ever confronted them about this? Not in a confrontational way, and definitely using "I"-statements to take the blame off of them, but maybe saying something like, "I feel like everyone I've met lately is coming off a bit sketchy to you guys, and I was just wondering if there was any particular reason as to why that was?" Or...something like that--hopefully you understand what I'm generally trying to say. Anyway, that's just me - I think that I, personally, would find it rather draining to always be hearing negative comments from my friends like that, particularly when they're in relationships! That makes no sense!

But anyway... yes! Katrina's guide to living the single life:

• It is quite alright to go on dates with more than one person over the course of a weekend/a week/however long, while you're single. You ARE single, and you have no obligations to anyone. So, live it up while you can.
• 'Strutting' is not a bad thing. xD If people double-take at you, take it as a compliment and keep walking. Feel flattered.
• Divy your time wisely. While spending time with your friends and their boyfriends is great and wonderful, its also nice to spend time with JUST your friends (no boyfriends) every once in a while. The concept may seem foreign to your friends as well, but its actually healthful to them to be independent and away from their boyfriends as well...sooooo everyone wins!
• If you feel like you're in a rut and haven't met any one (potential relationship-wise, that is), do NOT lower your standards! Everyone feels like this every once in a while, and its completely fine. Your sea of fish will be replenished sooner or later.
• Don't define yourself by your singularity. If I were to describe myself to someone (like at the beginning of the semester in class when we have to go around and do that), it'd be more along the lines of, "Hey! I'm Katrina; I'm 19. I'm a FAMS major, and I absolutely love to dance"...NOT "Hey, I'm Katrina - I'm siiiiingle and totally cool with that!" (even though I am - it just...doesn't send off a good vibe, and I don't think its totally healthy to always be centering your thinking around that). So, in that same sense, you're not the single friend, you're really just...one of their friends! (: No need to exclude yourself (emotionally, physically, or otherwise).

Sources: Err, I guess they've worked pretty well for me over the past few years. Anyway, I'm sure there are more, but I just, like I said, don't really think about it much. I have so many other things to be doing that I hardly have time to think about my relationship status, so while if the opportunity arose, I'm sure I wouldn't be opposed, I just...don't think about it! Haha. (:

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you. Hang in there - I know it can get a little frustrating every once in a while!

[jadamson]

Great post, Katrina! Very helpful

[dr2005]

Katrina hit the nail pretty much on the head with her advice, so kudos to her and I won't detract from it. All I would add is that there should not be an expectation that your friends will "let you" talk to other people, particularly guys - who you are interested in and want to talk to is your prerogative, and while I can understand some defensiveness in terms of them looking out for you as a friend some of it does come across as controlling. That and I'll reiterate Katrina's point of not basing yourself and your outlook on being single - just be yourself, have fun, and make the most of opportunities that come your way.

Hope that helps and take care.