Relationship Problems

[BlueWolf]

I have been dating my boyfriend for quite sometime. I can definately say I am in love. He has helped me to stop cutting, popping pills, and is the one person I can dump everything on and will hold me up. All I hear is how smart and beautiful a I am. He is sweet, funny, and supportive. Everything seems and feels so right, but there are major problems. The first thing is the lying. When I first met him, he made up a ton of stuff about himself to try and impress me. He eventually told me the truth on his own and because of that, I was not mad. I thought that it was valiant that he did the right thing on his own because he wanted to. However, the lying has proceeded. He claims it comes naturally to him, and it is impossible for him to stop. He has lied to me about everything there is to lie about and no matter what I do, it doesnt stop. Second problem. He is a real clypto, I hope I spelled that right.He stole some pretty expensive stuff a few months ago and when he decided to return it, he was arrested. He also lied about stealing till I heard his dad had to bail him out of jail. Well, he he stole again after that too, only once from my understanding, but from what I can tell, he doesnt grasp right from wrong nor does he retain any feelings of guilt for a long period of time. Third problem is school. We are both in college and I do my best to help him. Last semester I encouraged him and tried to help him, but he never studied and always said he had no homework. Yeah he failed all his classes. This semester I told him if he cant get his act together I was going to break up with him. Midterms come, and he is failing everything. I told him I must not mean much for him to just keep doing this, but he insists its unrelated. He says why bother to try when he is going to fail anyway, but then why is he there at all? He refuses to just try to work for awhile first. He doesnt listen to anything I say. I think this is just out of my hands. I cant stand the idea of breaking up either. He is all I have. He keeps me alive.

[WillO'Wisp]

I understand he's got his good traits and you're happy with him, but at the same time you are not. At the same time, he's got very difficult, unhealthy traits.
You need to sit down with him and just tell him straight up how much all of this is bothering you, be honest with him and tell him he's better than this and needs to get help with this. Councilling or something. If he still refuses to listen to you and won't get help, then you need to end this relationship for your own good.
I know you can't stand the thought of breaking up with him like you said, but if he keeps doing the things he's doing he's not good enough for you. You can find someone much better who builds you up and makes you feel just as special as he does, maybe even more so. There is always someone better out there for you, so there is no point in holding out for someone when there's something better out there, especially if this guy you are seeing right now refuses to change his behavior for anyone or anything.

[PSY]

Threatening to leave someone if they don't bring their grades up rarely works. The reason why is because you're placing emphasis on academic success - what you SHOULD be placing emphasis on is motivation to improve himself in all aspects of his life. Your boyfriend needs help - a school guidance counselor may be a good start. From there, you may be able to receive referrals to behavioral therapists (for the kleptomania and compulsive lying).

Kleptomaniacs DO know right from wrong. In fact, they often experience a great deal of shame and guilt after stealing things. It seems your boyfriend attempted to deal with this guilt by returning the first item he stole. So while your boyfriend may have difficulty resisting the urge to steal and lie, he is not beyond help. If he truly didn't distinguish between right and wrong, you would be dealing with a sociopath.

If you're going to deliver an ultimatum, don't do it because his grades suck. Do it because he's not getting the help he needs.

[BlueWolf]

Thanks guys. I think a good thing to do is to talk to him about going back to counciling. He already said he would try it for me.

I honestly do sometimes think he's a sociopath. He shows guilt, but it's for a limited time. After a day passes, it's like he has no understanding of it. Yeah, he gave the stuff back and a lot of that was for me, not for his own feelings of shame, which left after a very brief time. He has gotten a little better, but not much over an 8 month time. When I talked to him later about that situation he was off having fun with his friends and he just like so what? He didn't even care he was in serious trouble. It did not register. He feels emotions for such brief periods it's shocking, and then it's like... almost nothing. It's extreamely concerning. I wonder if maybe it's a developing thing, or something similiar. I might just be worrying to much, but I have every right to worry. The lying for him is so natural that sometimes when he lies he really believes it to be true. He makes himself actually believe it and he fights to the death for me to believe it even when I have proof otherwise. As for the right and wrong, I really don't think he knows it. Like... he knows the laws, but not the actually understanding of what's right and wrong. I know his parents have taught him, but everything that has been done to teach him has failed. He does the same things over again and doesn't see a problem other than police. That's the only assiciation he can make with bad things. The only way I've gotten him to behave is I ask him to do it for me, so he's like ok. Maybe that shows signs of caring which is not there in a sociopath, or maybe it's just his own selfishness cuz he knows I'd leave otherwise? Not entirely sure, but I know something is not right. I'm worried.

I also know I have an unhealthy obsession with him, and I talked to my therapist about it. She says for now it's ok, because I'm not doing well and I've been extreamely suicidal. He's like my walking cane and will talk to me as long as I need him and be there when I need him without question. He does the best he can to help me and surrounds me with so much positive energy that it lifts my spirits. I have fun with him and he makes me feel beautiful. My therapists says it's just what I need right now, support until I can walk on my own. When we are apart, I feel very suicidal. Like I can't be happy without him around so leaving is not much of an option.

But he has agreed to at least try to get help, so that's something right? The only thing is, I know he's only going to do it because I asked, not because he wants too. Plus, it's not something he will keep up with unless I stay ontop of him about it. I feel like I'm more of a mother to a five year old who can't do anything himself. He really is very dependant, but because I'm very dependant only in different ways, I can kinda understand it.... to an extent, but with my short temper, this is very difficult for me to deal with. Yet everytime I lash out, he's ok with it and just takes it and calms me down.

Ugh, this just has to be sooo complicated....