Break up scenarios?

[Composure]

Hi there.

Some of you might've read previous posts by me. I've recently started University and am meeting a lot new people. I'm finding it hard to balance my relationship, my friends, my work, university and home ("self") parts of my life. I'm studying a double Bachelor of Law and Business (Legal Practice Management), so my workload is pretty heavy.

Lately, I've been really confused about what to do with my relationship. I love my girlfriend, sure, but there are more factors to any relationship than just love. I have commitment issues and find it hard to be faithful (well, no, my drunken side finds it hard to be faithful - I've really cut back on my alcohol since last time, though). My girlfriend doesn't trust me, I suppose she has the right to, as well. She's always asking me if I'm cheating, and don't like that she doesn't trust me. She's always asking me if I'm hiding anything she should know about. We have good communication and we always have good times, but she is easily ticked off (for instance, if I don't text her for more than an hour and a half she fires up into the ultimate beast). But regardless, I still love her. But with her constant high maintenance, I'm finding it hard to balance and I'm finding it difficult to resist temptation when I do drink because of these doubts in our relationship.

So I'm considering breaking it off. However, I've never had a horrible break up before and I'm assuming this is going to be one of those for both of us. More so for me because I won't know what to do and won't know how to resist her calls and texts.

Last time we broke up, I had cheated on her a few days before and told her. I told her I wanted some time to think, she said (flat out) "no." so, I broke up with her. I held it off for a week. She harassed me, guilt tripped me and almost physically attacked me. She cried almost constantly, lost weight and stopped eating. If this happens again (I'm sure it won't because the circumstances are different), how do I block it out? Better yet, how do I maintain a friendly social relationship with her without all the nitty-gritty boyfriend-girlfriend stuff? Last time we broke up, I tried not to call or text her. She said all she wanted to do was talk.

When is a good time to break up?

We've been together a year and a half and I'm not sure what to do.

The outcomes are all subjective, I understand, and I'm not even absolutely positive I want to do this yet. I just want to imagine what it will be like, I suppose. After that, I can make my decision.

[Aletheia*]

I know it can be tough balancing everything going on! With school work, a girlfriend, new friends and parties to attend, it can seem like your life is in a constant whirlwind.
Your girlfriend just has trust issues from what has happened in the past, which is completely understandable, but also unfair to you. Your working hard to get a degree, and she's making things worse by acting out and being 'bitchy' towards you. She does, however, have a right to know what's going on in your life, but I've always believed in trust in a relationship.
If your thinking about breaking up with her but are worrying about how she's going to take it, you need to break it to her gently. Don't make it seem like this is a sudden thing. You need to let her know that you've been thinking about this for a while because there is no trust there, that she is always constantly trying to talk to you, but your busy. You can try using school as an excuse, that your workload is getting too heavy to be in a relationship at the moment.
If she tries to continue talking to you, and put you on those guilt trips like you've done before, then you can try changing your phone number, or ignore her texts completely. You can put her on a block list so you don't have to go about changing your number.

[Darkgothicrose]

Hey, I think you should allow her to talk to you and see how it goes, even if it goes well don't go out with her again, you can still be friends with dating.
If it doesn't go to well... stuff it! It's her loss because you only should get one chance with a caring and loving person.

[PSY]

Originally Posted by Composure

If this happens again (I'm sure it won't because the circumstances are different), how do I block it out? Better yet, how do I maintain a friendly social relationship with her without all the nitty-gritty boyfriend-girlfriend stuff?

First, given how your girlfriend has behaved in the past (even if the circumstances were different), I doubt you'll be able to maintain a friendship right after the break-up. You'll both need time to reflect upon the relationship and let the emotional wounds heal. Many people can't have civil conversations with their ex-boyfriends/girlfriends until MONTHS later, so I wouldn't expect anything from your girlfriend right off the bat, no matter how mature the two of you are. When emotions get involved, maturity and logic can get tossed right out the window. =P

Second, you need to stick to your guns this time. Break up with her, talk to her a few times so she can begin to gain closure on her end... but if you feel the talks are just guilt-tripping you into dating her again, cease all contact. ALL. CONTACT. Don't open her e-mails, don't view her text messages, don't respond to he phone calls, hide her status updates on Facebook, etc. Only resume contact if you feel you've truly moved on and can talk to her without wanting to get back together with her.

[xxpaigiexx]

Hey,

There is no way to know what you're letting yourself in for until you break things off with your girlfriend, if this is what you decide to do that is.
I'm guessing she'll be emotional about it, as most people are when they have been with someone for a long time. But if breaking things off with her is the best thing for you then you need to do it regardless of her reaction.
It's always a lot easier thinking about doing something like this than actually doing it. At the end of the day a relationship requires trust and if your girlfriend doesn't trust you then obviously it's not going to work. At the same time you have done things that would make her dis-trust you. But when someone agrees to take someone back after cheating they have to realise that they have agreed to make a fresh start and they can't keep dragging out the past because living in the past isn't healthy and it doesn't change anything.

I would suggest first speaking to your girlfriend and basically saying to her that you think that if the two of you are going to be together and it's going to work then she needs to stop bringing up the past and try and put some trust in you. It sounds like you need her to trust you aswell, if she puts some trust in you then hopefully you'll put some more trust in yourself.

It's hard managing work loads and deadlines. Try and make a schedule and stick to it, parts of the day when you study/go to uni and parts of the day when you make time for going to see friends or spending time with your girlfriend.
Hope things work out for you,
Paige

[Composure]

Thank you guys for the support.

I have a few more questions that someone might be able to enlighten me about:
I tend to be a compulsive liar. I hate to see her hurt, so I hide any doubts I might have about the relationship (I'm pretty relaxed about those types of things) and tend to go with the flow, no matter what happens. But since the last time we broke up, I've noticed a few things. One of these being that a relationship break up seems to be easier on one party if they have prior suspicions about the break up. Last time, we broke up out of the blue and that seemed to hurt her more than what it would if she had some sort of tickling feeling that we were growing a part. Is this true? I mean, how does one slowly bring on the suspicion? Even though we do have decent communication skills, a lot of my communicating seems to be reassuring her that I do love her. How would it go if one day, I just said "I don't think I love you as much as I used to"?

I want to be truthful about my doubts, but how can I?

[PlayingPretend]

Maybe it’s because I tend to be all or nothing, or maybe it’s because I’ve been in an on-again off-again situation, where sometimes the off-switch was hit instantaneously and other times I could see it coming from a mile off, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. And there were times I, too, played the break-up card, only to break and end up going back in the end. That was almost a year ago, but I played that game for two years; fairly certain you’re aware of who I’m referencing here.

My point of that is that you need to know what you’re doing before you even bring her into it. You need to know what you need to do for you. You say you love her, but that there are more factors than love. This is true. I think we all learn that at some point or another. But sometimes it’s not even learning that lesson that’s the hard part. Sometimes it’s coming to terms with it and accepting the situation for what it is, and picking your moves based on that. For me, it’s never been easy, but in the end, it’s not about whether or not it’s easy; it’s about being honest with yourself.

And I’m going to be honest with you and say that to bring up that issue of not loving her as much as you used to the table... That’s something you do if you want to work it out. That’s something you do if you want to talk it out. That is not something you do if you still intend to break-up with the person in the end. The way I see it is don’t open the lines of communication if you’re not interested in negotiation. As opposed to hinting at the up and coming break-up, when you break-up with her, give her your reasons. Maybe even be honest about what you told us here. Tell her you’ve been thinking about it for a bit, tell her you wanted to find some way to present it so it didn’t come out of the blue, but that you don’t feel as strongly as you once did for her, and you want to break-up. Because like I said, if you start talking to her about it, regardless of her initial reaction, she’ll likely want to talk, and she’ll want to fool herself into believing that talking about it will fix it. And if you want to make the break-up easier on her, then you’re not going to want to fool her into thinking that you’re bringing it up so that you two can work on getting your spark back.

If it is something you want to work out with her, then that’s when you bring it up, but like I said, if it’s a break-up, and if you mean it, and I am telling you that you have to mean it (you have to be strong enough to mean it, and that is why I have said you need to know what you’re doing before you bring her into it), then do it cleanly. And by cleanly, I mean be straight with her. Be diplomatic, but don’t lead her on with pretty words. And I agree with Psy as far as the no-contact rule etc. etc.

But with all that being said, I think what you need to do is sit down and think about it. Maybe it’s this that got to me – “I just want to imagine what it will be like, I suppose. After that, I can make my decision.” Haven’t you broken up once before? Hopefully this will not be a repeat, but that break-up goes to show the strength you will need to make this a clean break for the both of you. Like Psy said, it’s ridiculously hard to be friends with someone immediately after a break-up, especially when one still has feelings for the other. Ironically, I managed it for a while even though I was the one who’d been broken up with, but as you know, that didn’t last long. So I can’t sit here telling you that you will be able to expect a friendship immediately after. This isn’t to say you can’t be friends with her in the future. Many people regain contact with their ex’s and re-connect and become good friends, even. But right now, she, and you, my dear, are going to need time, to think, to process, and to move on.

And you can’t let her guilt you with what she does. You honestly cannot. What she does is what she’ll do, and what she does is not your responsibility, and it never will be. It’s hard when you watch someone go into a state of, say, not eating, especially when you feel like your break-up is what triggered it, but things happen, and people recover. I think everyone who’s been through it knows that heartbreak is one of the most painful and gut-wrenching and soul destroying emotions, but I think everyone who’s gotten out of it also knows that it’s completely possible to make a recovery from it and move on with your lives, to learn to live and love again. We all need to be allowed to break, and we all need to be allowed to put ourselves back together. She will deal with it the way she deals with it, but she will deal with it, and so will you. And I think that’s what you need to consider if she attempts to guilt you into getting back with her or if you start feeling guilty for it/responsible for what she’s going through.

But in the end, this is only a decision that you can make. I want to tell you there’s some clear-cut way of analysing and mapping this out so that you can imagine what it’s going to be like, but that’s not the way a break-up works. All you have to reference is what happened before. And all you have to go off of is what you’re feeling now. If you want to work it out with her, then sit down and speak with her about your doubts. But if you don’t, and if you feel like a break-up is necessary for you (not for her/her happiness, but for you/yours), then don’t sit her down to talk about doubts. Sit her down to end it. And from there, take it one day at a time. It does get a little bit easier with each passing week, but you need to realise that you need to commit to your decision. Not being committed to it will make it harder and more painful on the both of you.