Non-PG13 (Strong Language): what do I do..?

[Millarw12]

I haven't been on here for a while and tonight I've had a really big breakdown. I don't know where to put this, please move it where you think it belongs.

I've been in such emotional pain tonight I've been throwing up. I've been crying for at least the last 4 hours. First off because I realised all my close friends are leaving me, (Hannah died two years ago, Sash moved to the city, and El might be moving interstate at the end of the year) And i was just crying all the tears i've pent up for weeks about Hannah. Then, in my already horrible mood, Wade (my then/not sure what now romantic interest) texts me. I realise how much I actually like him, and how much he likes me and I get scared and start trying to convince him to find someone better than me, I start trying to push him away. I can't let anyone get close any more. It hurts too much when they leave. Hannah took part of my soul with her, i can't keep losing parts of it to people. I'd only end up bailing on him anyway, like i have done with every other guy that has tried to break through my walls. I want him though. I want him so much, but Im only going to hurt him, even more than i did tonight.

what do i do? I know i should just not let anything happen any more, i should just save us both from me fucking it all up later on, but part of me WANTS to at least get to that "later" part.

he deserves so much better than me though, someone who wont hurt him. someone who isnt emotionally destroyed inside. someone who isnt as fucked up as i am.

help.

[PSY]

It sounds like a series of unfortunate events has occurred. One friend has died, while two friends have moved or will be moving away. None of those events are YOUR fault, so there is no reason to blame YOURSELF for those events. Bad things happen - sometimes we can point the finger at ourselves, sometimes we can point the finger at others, and sometimes there is simply no one to blame for our pain and sadness.

I don't know if you are pushing Wade away because you're blaming yourself for what happened/is happening with your friends, if you are pushing Wade away because you have done things in the past that have led you to believe you are incapable/unworthy of love, or if you are pushing Wade away for a variety of reasons. Whatever the case may be, I urge you to really get to the heart of the matter and figure out why you're doing this. No matter what has happened, whether it was something you did or something that was done to you, it is NEVER reason enough to say that you don't deserve happiness. Believe me, you DO deserve to be happy, every bit as much as Wade deserves to be happy and your friends deserve to be happy.