Cheating, yes or no?

[MattiLikesToHelp]

Im always thinking about this and havent had really any time to talk to my (girlfriend/ex on break) about it because shes been really busy with uni finals so ill post thoughts here

Been dating for almost 4 years. She wanted to break from me. I said okay. didnt want it but i understand. week passes. She acts like we havent broke up. she talks to me everyday and trys to kiss me and im like wtf??

Shes obviously not strong enough to make this break official so i did. We both need some reality checks. (Were bestfriend lovers. see eachother all the time) need some real quiet time.

So i called it off. were both shaken up being away from eachother but its the right thing to do. i guess??

So few days later we go to the bar and i know she will be there becuase all of our friends hangout together. I didnt mind, were best friends soooooo we could meet up see how shes faring with this break see if she feels anything or wants to talk. She was drunk and wanted to dance. I felt it was inappropriate becuase we loved to dance together as a couple, apart i dont feel its fair to give her mixed ideas. i said no. and she kept trying to kiss me. but i refused and for the rest of the night i didnt see her.

Later that night i found her but she disapeared with some guy that interupted our conversation. after endless searching and scary thoughts..........

shes dancing with some guy and they are makingout in the middle of the dancefloor and hes got his hands all over her.


This happened begining of March. Its been about a month and some and this has been killing me every single day.

If we talked about our relationship i know it would be a 2 day long decision process. and i know she doesnt have that time with her job and volunterring and exams. i want to give her sometime to think cause i know she has none at all.

but yes or no????

is this cheating

[Guru]

I see it like this: You chose to break it off with her, so therefore it's not cheating. Also you made a point that she was drunk so maybe she didn't realize what she was doing.

[PlayingPretend]

I agree with Luke. Though I don't feel it's fair of her to be playing yo-yo with your feelings (or so it seems, but you both seem to be yo-yo'ing each other, if I'm to be entirely honest), you weren't together. You called a break. And you were the one who broke it off, even if it was "for the best," so no, I don't see it as cheating.

[Aletheia*]

Not cheating. There is a fair amount of confused feelings coming from the two of you. Though she was drunk, I don't see this as an out, or an excuse for her behavior, but it doesn't constitute as cheating. You broke things off. She is probably still upset by that fact, and is trying to see what you'd do in a situation if she were to come on to you. I've seen it happen before. But, what she did wasn't wrong. It sucks, but she didn't cheat on you.

[Gaia]

I have to agree with all of the above posters. She didn't cheat on you. You can't cheat on someone when you're not together any more.
Yes, it sucks, and it hurts. It's supposed to because you still have feelings for her, and I would imagine she is probably feeling guilty about it as well.

There comes a time at the end of a relationship where you just need to let things go. If you truly believe that the relationship is over, then there's no need to talk to her about this. However, if you want to get back together with her, then you need to talk to her about how you're feeling.
I guess you need to think about if you want her back or not, and then you need to start moving on. There is no point dwelling on a past you can't change.

[ChrisDiCarlo]

Originally Posted by Guru

I see it like this: You chose to break it off with her, so therefore it's not cheating. Also you made a point that she was drunk so maybe she didn't realize what she was doing.

Yeah I agree with that you broke it off soooo yeah.

[MacGuffin]

The relationship was broken off, therefore it was not cheating.

[MattiLikesToHelp]

This is quite strange that you all feel this way.

REMEMBER!!! WE STILL LOVE EACHOTHER ALOT!!! OUR love for eachother never changed. This break didnt affect our relationship or love for eachother. The only thing effecting our lives are the issues outside of our relationship. WERE on a break because things are completly screwed atm. I planned on getting back with her.

Remember I only broke it off because she wasn't strong enough. I never ever wanted to be broken up with her. She wanted me to take a look at my life because some things were a little messed up. We had no intention to be with other people, we both clearly stated that to each other before we broke.

I went up to her to while she was making out with the guy and i said to her "k im leaving to go home" She knew it was me. I left and she never followed me out of the club. She actually kept dancing with the guy and doing wtvr for another song. Then she left but I was already gone.

When i got home that night she msgd me right away. Following day she was so sad and sorry and crying while she called form work.

So if this isnt cheating then im just some whining 19 yearold pussy?

[Maloo]

It's not cheating. You guys were broken up. Regardless of your feelings for each other, you were not in a relationship at the time, so it's not cheating.

Is that to say that it isn't incredibly suckish? No, it blows, and it hurts. But it's not cheating.

[PlayingPretend]

I agree with Myss. I would be hurt, maybe even devestated, feeling this way about someone and seeing them act/behave that way with somebody else, but even if you both discussed the terms of the break beforehand... Eh, things change. You broke it off with her. Regardless of your reasons for it - i.e., her not being strong enough - you still ended it. Neither of you were involved in a relationship with the other. Having feelings for one another in no way means there's a commitment. So no, I still stand by that it's not cheating.

[MattiLikesToHelp]

I had a feeling you would say "things change".
We talk like a couple, act like a couple, walk like a couple, kiss like a couple, and go to dinner like a couple, but when she makeouts with another guy and gets all messy on a dance floor it doesnt count as cheating?

We act like bestfriends and see eachother everyday other day. but i guess maybe that is where i confuse friendship with loveship.



When you both love eachother and you know that a breakup is a joke and means nothing to the both of you, why is it that this "broken up" label put on us gets to choose what is right from wrong....?



I was hoping someone would help me out on this but no one really has changed my mind. Im not trying to be an ass. I just want to understand. I think im done here.

[Aletheia*]

Originally Posted by MattiLikesToHelp

I had a feeling you would say "things change".
We talk like a couple, act like a couple, walk like a couple, kiss like a couple, and go to dinner like a couple, but when she makeouts with another guy and gets all messy on a dance floor it doesnt count as cheating?

We act like bestfriends and see eachother everyday other day. but i guess maybe that is where i confuse friendship with loveship.



When you both love eachother and you know that a breakup is a joke and means nothing to the both of you, why is it that this "broken up" label put on us gets to choose what is right from wrong....?



I was hoping someone would help me out on this but no one really has changed my mind. Im not trying to be an ass. I just want to understand. I think im done here.

You started this thread asking us for our opinions. You clearly stated that you broke things off. This, for all intents and purposes, means you were not together anymore. There is a different between a break (where your still together, but taking some time away from one another) and breaking things (a complete and total break up). You said you have broken things off with her before this situation occured, therefore it can't constitute as cheating. You weren't acting very "coupley" with her. You said she was trying to kiss you, and you weren't sharing those advances. I'm not saying what she did was right, but it wasn't wrong either. If you had worded your orginal posts differently, maybe we'd all see it differently, but by the sounds of it, she did not cheat on you.

[PlayingPretend]

I would also like to point out that even people in friends with benefits relationships may share some of these same jealousies, but friends with benefits relationships aren't (usually) committed relationships where they go to each other and no one else. I'm not saying either of you have a benefriends relationship, not at all, but I'm simply saying that playing the part does not automatically equal commitment from either end, and sometimes there's commitment from one end, but not on the other. You ignored her advances because you both decided a break from each other was better. You broke it off with her. Whether or not you still love each other or plan to get back with her, whether or not you two viewed the break-up as a "joke," the fact that she was single at the time of being with this other man remains the same. Like Shannon said, what she did wasn't necessarily right (by that logic, neither are you), but she didn't cheat.

[Maloo]

See here's the thing, when you break up you shouldn't act like a couple anymore. If things in your life aren't in a good place for you two to be in a relationship with each other, then you shouldn't act like you're in a relationship. Either you're together, or you're not. When you get into the nasty middle ground gray area, people get hurt, which is already happening.

[Pascha]

The hard truth is that it's technically not cheating, because you did break up with her. However I have to say it sounds particularly harsh on her part. Best friends or not, messing around with somebody else in front of someone you just broke it off with is cruel. And sleeping with somebody that soon after (what sounds to me like) a hard break up, feels a lot like cheating because you obviously still really care about her.

Women can be awful people sometimes. The world makes us out to be the fairer sex, the ones who get hurt all the time, but lately I see a lot of girls doing this kind of thing to men who really love them and it just sucks. But life is like that sometimes.

My advice, if she doesn't come begging you for forgiveness, saying she was drunk and wasn't thinking or feeling hurt or any kind of explanation for her actions at all, it's time to let her go. Because if she doesn't realize how much that hurt you, well it doesn't seem like she cares very much.

I'm sorry :-(

[MattiLikesToHelp]

Damn i keep using that word wrong. WE never broke up. We took a break! Like break "time" relax "time". Go study "time" ill be wating "time"!! while you go figure out your life issues "time". just a break from our issues let our selves figure out our issues deal with our problems. well get back to eachother after your exams

We broke things off about a month and somtime ago. after about a week of being broke we drifted back together. and things were fine. by fine i mean going back to being a normal couple. acting like nothing happened. Sorry when i said "broken" or "broken up" i mean break!. we ONLY TOOK A BREAK!! we never broke up We were on "break". there was somedays when I tried to work some talk time for us but we would never have enough time to get all the answers. She couldnt talk she was just too busy. and we had a uneasy chat about our relationship a few days before we met at the bar. We werent really talking at the moment becuase she had work and volunterring, i was sad and knew she was way to busy and i didnt want to talk about the issue becuase I knew she had no time for it.

SO when i met up with her that night. I felt all werid around her. She was drunk and i didnt feel like kissing her. Why should she have fun and be allover me when im still dealing with the past few days? Maybe if iwas drunk i wouldve had no worries but wtvr. She was having fun and was with her girls so she didnt want to talk. She tryed kissing me and i wasnt feeling in the lovey mood.

After i felt better that night i went to go talk to her but then we got interupted and the guy came and yeah yeah all that happened.

We never broke up we were just getting used to the idea of being apart becuase she needed time, i needed time. makes little more sense?? Im not going to add anymore itll just get too confusing. Theres no justice for me trying to change everyones minds. Its not what i wanted. Kinda hoping you all see my side but i didnt do a god job with it. sorry there is so much to remember and say.

i think thats about all i can say. i dont want to waste anymore of your time on this Shan

Wish i came into this knowing the difference between "broken" and "break". Past tense and proper grammar are conflicting with my ability to explain this with accuracy.

She didnt have sex with the guy. and she was sorry.

we could have easily gone back to eachother any day or even the next day. we took this "Break time" to let our brains focus on other issues. nothing wrong with our relationship Because at the time our relationship was great. Our relationship got sticky just before the bar outting and then bam the deed happened
but i think everyone understands this post now.

Ill leave this as it is for any last posts. and this post can be closed when morning comes good night sorry for the tension, thank you all for the opinions. I know where we stand i just wish it looked obvious to anyone who looks in at this situation. I guess it wasnt as easy as i explain it.. ty goodnight

[PSY]

Hey there, Matthew.

Do you see how confused all of these members were about your status? Whether you were "on a break" or "broken up", just taking some time apart while still dating vs. ending the relationship until your individual situations improved? That may be an indication as to how confused your girlfriend was at the time. If you weren't able to accurately explain/define the situation to us, then perhaps your girlfriend didn't understand, either. She may have thought you were "on a break", but after so much tension and that final refusal to kiss at the club, her decision to take a break weeks before and you insisting that wasn't working... chances are, you two just weren't on the same page. So was it cheating? With everything being so muddled up, I can't really say that it was.

I'll go ahead and close this post now; however, feel free to PM me if you would like to have it re-opened. You're also welcomed to create a new thread if you would like further advice regarding this issue. I wish you all the best in getting things sorted out!