Non-PG13: Long story, but please help!

[Tamugetsu]

This is going to be REALLY long-winded, but please bear with me, I really need some advice. Please don't post to tell me it's too long, so you didn't read it. If you didn't read, don't post.

Well, to start things off, I'm a 17-year-old guy who is in a relationship with a 16 year-old girl. We've been dating for about 6 months now. We have not had any noticeable relationship problems, though a lot of the relationship has been long-distance since I go to college in Florida and we both live in New York.

That's the simple stuff. Now for some more detailed explanation.

I am a very compassionate person. I have a group of close friends, all of whom I love very much. I tend to place the feelings of others, especially those I care about, at a very high priority level - often higher than my own. I can't bear the thought of hurting any of the people who are close to my heart. I have always had a lot of love to give, and I have always been a gentle, easygoing person. For 17 years, I was single - I was very shy and not popular until high school, when I met my group of friends, and after that, I was trying to sort things out as far as sexuality (and still not very popular outside of the drama club) and had few to no crushes. I occasionally had thoughts about people, including a few of my friends, but I quickly dismissed those, not wanting to spoil a friendship.


Near the end of this 17-year period, I began to think that I might be gay. I had known I was not straight for a few years, but I had not been sure whether I really liked girls or not. Then, one of my female friends, whom I had known for a few years, the younger sister of a close friend I met in my freshman year of High School, confessed that she had feelings for me. I had had feelings for her before, but shoved them aside because she was my friend. After some time thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that I did like her, and we began dating.


By this time, I had already become close friends with one of my roommates (we had separate rooms, but I will refer to him as my roommate from now on) at school. He and I got along really well, and the two of us spent a lot of time together. After worrying for weeks, I finally got up the courage to tell him that I was bisexual (obviously, I didn't think I was gay anymore, or I wouldn't have a girlfriend). He took it well, of course - he told me that it didn't matter to him, that he was straight but basically asexual anyway, and I was relieved. Losing him as a friend would have been tough, and my imagination likes to assume the worst.


Anyway, a few months in, still at school, the doubt started. At times, I felt like I was in love with my girlfriend, and I was bi, and it was all fine. Other times, I felt like I was an idiot for being her boyfriend, that I had just done it to avoid telling her no, that I was gay, and at one point I even had a dream in which I was embracing someone who looked like my roommate. I started wondering if I had feelings for him. I didn't bring it up partly because I didn't want it to mess up our friendship and partly because I didn't want it to be true.


The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm actually attracted to him or not. I honestly don't think so, but I do know that I care about him A LOT. I was able to talk to him about anything (except for the things I'm saying right now). I had more in common with him than with any of my friends back home, so we were always genuinely interested in anything the other person had to say. The phrase 'soul mate' comes to mind, but I don't like to think of it that way because I'm a romantic - I always wanted my soul mate and my partner to be the same person. I know I have no chance with him though, because I believe him when he says he's straight and asexual - asexual I had already guessed, and I believe straight because he's not the kind of person who would lie at a moment like that. What I want is first to figure out if I have feelings for him, and if I do, get rid of them because I would be perfectly happy being his friend, but having feelings for him would complicate things.


Back to my girlfriend and I. When I came home during breaks and we were together, I was always nervous about doing something wrong. Things ended up going very slow, with our first real kiss happening on New Year's Eve. You know, the obligatory kiss. I liked it. It was interesting. It made me quite happy. It was not magical. I didn't lose my appetite or have trouble sleeping. I was very excited for a while afterward, but it may have been excitement over the fact that it had been my first kiss. The next few times we kissed, I liked it, but more so I was focused on the technical end of the kissing. As always, I was terrified that I would screw it up - it was the first relationship for both of us, so I couldn't rely on any prior experience from her, but I always worried that I would not live up to her expectations - not that she ever said or did anything to imply that I had, I just worried about it a lot. Anyway, I usually walked away from encounters with her confused. I over-analyze a lot, but I also sometimes trick myself, so I couldn't be sure what I was feeling. I am at least not entirely gay - I got erections during a few make-out sessions, but I was worried, because about 95% of my fantasies while masturbating included guys. While the idea of being gay was not fun, the real thing I was worried about was whether I was really in love with her.


Recently, after the most obvious physical hints she has ever given me, I began (awkwardly) feeling her up while making out, and I definitely liked that. Also, now I can fantasize about her, and girls have entered into more of my fantasies, though guys are still the majority. I think I am bisexual, though I prefer guys at least somewhat, but I am trying to figure out if I am really in love with her. I feel like I have all of the pieces, but no glue. I care deeply about her, I am protective of her and always listen to her problems, but I've always been like that. I am also attracted to her, but so is every non-gay guy in the world with the eyes to see - she's beautiful. But I think there's something missing. I don't know if I want to spend my life with this girl, and when we're not kissing, conversation is the same as it was when we were just friends. Maybe I’m just naïve, or being too much of a romantic, but there’s something special that I don’t think I’m getting. The magic you always hear about in love stories just isn’t there.

Here's the big problem: If I don't love her, I have to break up with her. That means I have to hurt her, because I know she loves me, and I don't think there's any way in the world I could break up with her without hurting her. Not only can I not bear the thought of causing emotional pain to a dear friend, I'm worried about losing our friendship. I'm also worried about my other friends' reactions. As I said, my girlfriend's older sister is also a close friend. In fact, she is one of my three best friends, along with my roommate and a guy I've known since middle school. Right behind them on the list is the boyfriend of my girlfriend's older sister. All my other friends except my roommate are also good friends with my girlfriend. I don't want to ruin even more friendships by hurting my girlfriend this way. Also, at one point when hanging out with my girlfriend, my girlfriend's sister, and her boyfriend, my girlfriend's sister said, "You know, I hope this is what our Thanksgiving table looks like in ten years." That really struck a chord with me. The idea of these people, all of whom I would do anything for, being my family - it was wonderful. The idea that some of them might not even want to speak to me after this is done is the scariest thing I can think of.


Also, to be perfectly honest, even if I do love her, things are complicated, because I definitely like guys more than girls. I don't want to live my whole life without ever being with another guy, but I don't want to break up and I am not the type of person who can cheat without feeling like I'm the worst scumbag who has ever walked the earth. Which I do not want to do.

What’s ironic is that it’s my sweet nature and compassion that got me into this mess. I’m not ugly, but I’m not much to look at, so I’m pretty sure she fell in love with me because I’ve always listened to her problems, supported her, and been very kind to her. When she asked me to be her boyfriend, I was more inclined to accept because declining would upset her. Now I’m afraid that to avoid robbing myself of a happy life, I have to do something horrible to a person who, even if I’m not in love with her, I care about a great deal. Plus, I get to look like a jerk and a liar to a bunch of other people I care deeply about, and I don’t make friends easily!

Sorry again for writing you a novel, but I didn’t want to leave things out. Please, wonderful person who has read through this whole long post, help me get through this! I’m already seeing a therapist for something else, and I’ve touched on a few of these things with him, but I’d like to hear from the good people here!

Thanks again. Really. Whoever wanted to help me so much that they read this is my hero.

Sincerely,
Malcolm

[BluEiis]

Wow, that's definitely a tough situation.. As a girl who fantasizes about girls sometimes, I understand where you're coming from. I now know that I am not bisexual.. I guess you could call it bicurious, but Idk.. I'm not really romantically attracted to girls. The idea of a romance with a guy is far more appealing. I just can't see myself personally ever falling in love with a girl. I think you should try and put your feelings first. Ignore what is going on around you for a little bit, and find the real you. I'm not saying become an arrogsnt douche who won't consider others..but focus a little on yourself. You will find out who ou are one day. If you do not love your girlfriend, you should break it off before it gets any deeper. If you have a close friend you could talk to, that's probably really help you out. Also hashing these things out with your therapist could really be beneficial.
Good Luck<3

[Tamugetsu]

Thanks for the advice! I'm still trying to figure things out, but if things come to breaking up, I'll just have to remind myself that it's what's best for her, too. If I don't love her romantically, I do love her as a friend, and I want to see her with a boyfriend who both appreciates and loves her. If I can't do that, I need to break up with her.

[Ashes2493]

I agree with Indigo, if you aren't in love with, or as committed to the relationship as your girlfriend is, I believe you should break it off and just remain close friends if possible. I think you should take time to really get to know yourself and figure out your feelings.

Best of Luck!
Ashley

[Tamugetsu]

...You're both right. I have to break it off. These next few weeks are gonna be hell. I just hope I don't lose any friends over this. She's a great girl and a good friend, I wish I had politely said no, cause this is much worse. I also wish it hadn't been her first relationship. If she doesn't take it well, it'll be with her for the rest of her life. I'm feeling like a jackass right now, but I have to do it. I'm scared.

[Tamugetsu]

Update - I wrote an e-mail to my roommate (I'm at home right now) telling him that I'm going to break up with my girlfriend and how I feel about him. I made myself press send. It was scary. I hope he takes it well. I need his support for the breakup. Everybody cross your fingers for me.

[PSY]

You're not a horrible person for breaking up with your girlfriend. You may feel horrible, and the situation itself may seem horrible, but that does not make YOU a horrible person. What WOULD make you a horrible person would be staying with her for longer than is needed, after confirming without a doubt in your mind that you don't want to be with her. Once your mind is made up, you should do the merciful thing and tell her you can't put as much into the relationship as she can. Leading her on or being dishonest about how you feel about her would be the only cruel thing you could do in this situation.

I am a highly empathic person - but let me tell you, there are times when you need to do what's best for YOU. Why? Because if you're miserable, if you're not taking care of yourself, then you can't take care of the people you love. I understand what it feels like to dread the moment when you'll have to say "no", and how it feels when you've let someone down. You feel their pain, and the guilt/shame is incredible. HOWEVER, there will always be pain in this world, and while it's great that you try to avoid that pain with loved ones, recognize that if you always give in to what they want, you will eventually be caught between a rock and a hard place, forced to either sacrifice your needs for theirs (and therefore diminish your ability to be the person they proudly call a friend/boyfriend), or you'll have to turn them down (which could be more upsetting than if you had just said "no" initially).