Non-PG13 (Strong Language): He cheated on me and i need to get over it, and am i going too far?

[Tigerrr]

Please can you take your time to read this? I’m sorry it’s so long, I just feel the need to explain everything to really get relevant advice. And I would appreciate it if you read it and told me what you think. I really need help.


Now here’s a little back story on my boyfriend. His last relationship lasted 9 months, it ended because she couldn’t deal with the fact he had cheated on her and it changed her. He thought he was in love with her, but he cheated on her at 5 months, slept with someone at a party while drunk. They managed to work through it but after that she went kind of 'psycho' (as he puts it). He had cheated on like 2 girls before her as well. When they broke up, (about 4 months before I first properly met him) he turned into a complete slag. He only slept with two people in that time but they were sister. He was doing things with like 5 girls at once and would go to parties, get drunk and get off with loads of girls, and boys actually. He is straight but just such a whore that he will get with anyone. But when we met there was something different. He really made an effort to 'get' me. He wanted me and not just physically. The first night we talked online after meeting and making out we talked for 10 hours. He treated me really well, and in the month before we went out he only got with one person, the same night I got with someone actually, so we were even. Once you get to know him he is so sweet to you, even if he is a bit of a dickhead to people he isn’t friends with. That’s just him, it makes me feel all the more special that he treats me so well. Except for one thing...

Okay, so. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 4 months now. It would defiantly be classed as a serious relationship. There’s something about it that makes it mature, rather than childish ones that don’t really mean alot. Anyway, we saw each other alot, he would take me out with him friends and I always got along with most of them, I would always be social and talk to them. So one day he invites him to this girl’s birthday, she hired out a club and gave him a 1+. She is one of his very close friends and he spends alot of time in college with her. They took a whole album of pictures of them on the college computers on my boyfriend’s facebook (they took these when we had been going out about a month). So we go there and I’m worrying about what I’m wearing and he says to me "don’t worry, you look the hottest here, hotter than even the birthday girl, and she is hot". I don’t mind my boyfriend having female friends; I didn’t even used to mind him flirting a little because I do this myself. Because despite his past I knew he really cared about me. I thought he had changed for me, and I’m not the jealous type. I get alot of attention from guys and am constantly receiving compliments and have them come on to me. So I thought I had nothing to worry about. In fact we had the cheating convo when we were talking about him and his ex, and he promised that he would never cheat on me, because he didn’t want to fuck us up.

So back on track, we travel with some of his friends to this club. We all meet at his because he has a free house for the night. I get on really well with two girls, his best friend's girlfriend and another girl. So we get to this club and we start drinking. My boyfriend is a bit of a drinking, he can be annoying when he is drunk but nothing worse. I don’t have much to drink but him and his 2 guy friends keep going to the shop to get beer and wine. He starts off the night really sweet, he tries to break a heart thing off the wall for me, breaking his key in the process. He introduces me to his friends as his girlfriend. Including two girls I will call them D and R (the birthday girl). Then I just don’t see him for the rest of the night. At all. His best friend comes and checks on his girlfriend (I was with the two girls I had just met, luckily I got on with them or I would have been on my own). We do talk when he comes back from taking some girl to the station, and we have a fag. He acts like a DICK and says some shit that upsets me. So I storm inside.

The night carries on and his 2 guy friends talk to me and tell me how much he likes me and how he is only being a dick coz he’s drunk, and telling me to just go up to him and kiss him. So I do and about half an hour later we leave.

I then find out what actually happened that night was this. As D said she was leaving the club he leaned in and kissed her. He then walked her to the station and kissed her again, not just a peck I might add. He then comes back and we have that little argument. He goes back into the club and dances with the birthday girl and kisses her in the middle of the dance floor. This was while I was in a corner with his friends and they were telling me how much he likes me. Ironic huh? We go home to his and have sex, but we stop half way through because he is 'too drunk and tired'.

So the next day he pretty much wouldn’t speak to me. I go home really upset, he then comes to meet me near mine and tells me what happened. I broke up with him but we ended getting back together. He is trying really really hard, and he treats me so well, and is so nice to me and caring. But it’s so hard to get over. I have been working really hard on trusting him, and I’m getting there. He has stopped drinking so much so often, and that is a big thing for him. He tells me he won’t ever let it happen again because that will now be in his mind, he will never 'forget' me again. I know how much he likes me, and cares about me. It’s not a lie. But I don’t understand how you could do that to someone you cared about. I mean I was RIGHT THERE. He humiliated me. I am starting to get over it by focusing on the present. I no longer randomly start crying when I’m with him, because I focus on how he’s acting NOW. But when I’m on my own it’s a different story. I still get upset, just picturing it. We went on another break and I made out with one of my close friends, I didn’t tell my boyfriend this but yeeeeah... So I try to picture that when I’m picturing him and them, but it doesn’t always work.
So my first question is how do I get over this? I want it to work and it is but I just get so upset sometimes, is there anything I can do to help me move forward?


He says he’s so sorry and that he regrets it soooo much. I know this is true because when we had broken up just after he first told me, one day he texted me saying he was crying. I knew this was not a lie. He is the kind of boy that doesn’t like to show weakness. Or much emotion at all to most people. So I knew the fact he was even crying showed he cared. He says he doesn’t know what happened that night, that he just ‘forgot’ about me. He doesn’t know how. Things just didn’t seem important. And that before then he did really like me and was happy with me. And afterwards he realised how much I meant to him, and how much it would hurt losing him. He constantly tells me how lucky he feels to have me and how much he cares for me.
So my second question is how can you do that to someone if you do REALLY care about them? How can you forget them when they are right there, how can you hurt them like that. He was pretty drunk but not so much that he had no control.


The other thing is, I messaged both of these girls when I found out. D (the girl he had kissed twice) re-plied and said how she is so sorry and feels so bad and is not normally like this (this is true because even though she is 18, that was her first kiss). The other one, R, the birthday girl, doesn’t. What she does do is post on someone’s wall taking the piss out of me and saying how funny it all was. My boyfriend did have a go at her about that after we were back together, and 'suggested' that posting a picture of herself on his wall in his jumper saying it looked better on her was a bit insensitive. But he is still friends with her, college is finished so he now doesn’t have to be in her class everyday. But she will still post on his wall now and again, and I know he still talks to her and I’m guessing if 'nothings changed' between them as he’s said that they still flirt alot. I know they have mutual friends so he can’t just block her out of his life completely. But I think that now college is over he shouldn’t talk to her anymore. Just seeing her post on his wall hurts me and triggers all the pain that I’m trying so hard to get over. And the fact is she was also such a bitch to me (my theory is that she likes him, which has been backed up, and was thrilled that he did that). I want to ask him to untag himself from the 'young love' photo and all the ones in his album. I don’t want him to delete them because I don’t want to give her the satisfaction, but maybe that would be best?

So yes, is it over the top to ask him to not be friends with her, and to untag or delete those photos? She is one of his really good friends... But i think he should choose me over her, I shouldnt have to see posts from her. It hurts too much. Its his fault that this has happened.


Wow, like no one is going to reply to this because it’s so long, but I guess it’s good to write it all out anyway. I hope someone does read it and replies though. Thanks in advance.

[marleymarl]

Sounds like a lot of drama for such a short relationship?! you have every right to be upset and hurt by him and course its now going to make you not trust him. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and if you feel like you cant fully trust then maybe step back from the relationship and take a break and see how you feel when you have took some time away from him?
Obviously its difficult because you clearly do love him and it sounds like what happened at the club was just the alcohol talking but he cant use the alcohol as an excuse.
I think the answer to your first question about how can you get over this? maybe its best to actually step back from the relationship? His past relationships dont sound very positive and it always boils down to the saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'
i think he needs to prove to you he wants to be with you and that you can trust him. The facebook thing is understandably upsetting for you and maybe he shouldnt be tagged in those photos if its hurting you (even if he thinks its nothing but photos). Ive seen a lot of friends just sit back and let their boyfriends walk all over them and they have finally seen sense and moved on. Remember he is not the only guy out there for you and you are still getting attention off other guys.

HOPE this helps

[Tigerrr]

Thank you so much for replying. Im sorry it was ridiculously long, i think i was venting as well. We have taken a couple of breaks, right after it happened and another one, but we have both missed eachother alot and decided to get back together after a week maybe.
He doesnt blame the alcohol, he takes responsibility for it. But said he would have never done it sober. I still cant see hoe when someone is right there you could forget about them though, when i supposedly meant so much to him.
Im glad someone agrees with me about the photos. I would hate to be the jealous girlfriend type but i really cant deal with it. Do you think its too much to ask him to not be friends with her? I dont trust HER with him and as i said, i think he should choose me this time. It hurts knowing he still talks to her when he cheated on me with her, she took the piss out of me and i know he flirts with her. I think thats fair? I really do hate her.
And thanks, i know i deserve someone who wouldnt cheat on me but you cant help who you fall for, and he really is trying to prove himself now.