That one person ...

[Magic.]

... who always draws you back in even when you don't want them to.

So I had a relationship a few years back and fell crazy in love with this great guy. He is to this day the only guy I've ever seen my self making a life with. He was great when we first started dating, but being at college he started getting in with quite a druggy crowd. He only "smoked" to start with but even then he started forgetting to meet me, or acting like I wasn't important. Like he planned a birthday night out with all of my friends and his; he never showed up to mine, answered his phone 30 mins after he should have been there saying he was watching a movie with friends and would finish it and be over in a few hours. I was mortified, it was SO embarrassing. But even when things like that happened he somehow talked me into staying with him.

We ended up breaking up when I resorted to driving him away so he wouldn't want to beg for me to stay with him. And he vowed to be a great friend after that. Living up to expectations, he wasn't a great friend at all, only wanting to see me when all his friends went away to uni or his latest girlfriend ditched him and he decided it was because they weren't me .. blah blah.

I met someone incredible last year, who I fell very quickly for but was moving away. I'm still best friends with the second guy and in a lot of people's eyes we're perfect for each other, it was just bad timing. I met up with the first guy after we broke up and ended up telling him I still loved him, whic I guess I do and always will.

I cut all ties with him after he started being shitty with me again, not answering calls / blowing me off etc. But he recently got in touch saying he's realised how bad his life of drugs and bad friends is getting and he needs help, and how sorry he is for the past. His parents don't want him living at home so he's sponging off some of his druggy friends. I told him I can't be friends with him like this because he is not a nice person at all. But I can already feel myself being drawn back in.

Sorry this is so long, I had to get it off my chest ...

Am I stupid to get drawn back in? Because part of me kind of wants to be ... I feel like he is that one person I always end up thinking about and dreaming about being with, despite everything ... is that stupid???

[Aletheia*]

Hey Bryden,
I would say it isn't wise of you to get back into a relationship with this guy. He's chosen a terrible life for himself, and he still chooses to associate himself with those people, even after telling you that he wants out of that life. This would be by choice. If he really wanted to stop, and make a new life for himself, he would be doing everything in his power to make sure he wasn't associated with them anymore.

You've been hurt countless times by this individual, and I can only see more heartbreak for you in the future. It wouldn't be smart if you got drawn back in. However, the choice is ultimately up to you, and no one can really make that decision for you, but think twice before you decide to help him, or begin a life with this guy. Words can be said, but it's the actions that count.

[PlayingPretend]

All I can say is that it's great he's realised he's been making poor life choices/decisions, but that's all fine and well and easy to say.

I was involved with a girl a while ago, not romantically, though for a while, there were romantic feelings there, who also was involved in drugs, and she drank quite a bit, too. When I met her, it was only ever she'd go out, get drunk, maybe occasionally get high off a little weed. That became more frequent and then weed became coke and coke later became heroin. We "split" a few times, because she really wasn't good for me, but we always came back to one another, I was always ecstatic when we did, and she always seemed to wind me tighter round her finger that time than the last.

Eventually there came a point I got sick and bloody tired of it. In a fit of rage, I told her to never contact me again and that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. We didn't speak for around a month or so, but she came crawling back. She said similarly to what this guy did, that she realised what she'd done, that she was sorry for it, that she needed/wanted help because she'd gotten into heroin in the time I was gone etc. I ignored the first couple messages but by the third, a very vicious one indeed, I wrote back telling her that it's great that she wants help but that I can't save her. I told her to contact a professional or someone who's qualified because heroin is too big a demon for me to take on. And so on and so forth.

She ended up contacting me yet again about half a year later, said she was off the drugs, had new groups of friends, etc. I decided to give her another chance. After all, I missed her like crazy and maybe she'd changed, right? Maybe the drugs really were the problem. But after about a month of our friendship passed, she went right back to being the way she'd always been, which was a cruel, vicious, and abusive personality.

The thing is that for one, depending on how addicted/bad into drugs he is, I highly doubt he's going to be able to get off them while he's living with his "druggie friends." For another, even if he got off the drugs, who's to say that that's going to change the core of the person he is inside? If he was selfish and abusive and bad for you before he got involved in harder drugs, taking away the harder drugs isn't going to change it. Third, like I said in the beginning of my post, it's so easy to apologise to someone and acknowledge your behaviour, especially when you're lonely as hell or when you need a safety net or fall back to lean on, but hey, even criminals can plead guilty and sob for their behaviour, yet some go on to become repeat offenders; same idea here.

I think you did right by saying you couldn't be friends with him, and I think you need to continue cutting contact with him in all ways possible. It's normal such feelings would be stirred/jolted up if he contacted you out of the blue. I was overwhelmed with emotion when that girl IMed me after six months, same as I'd been when she sent me the messages she did (about the drugs), and I'd probably be the same now as I was then. But the thing is I have to do what's best for me, and so do you. And yeah, it's hard as hell at first - you can't love someone that much and have it be easy - but it does get easier. Eventually it stops hurting and eventually you start missing and thinking about them less and less, though it can take a while. But I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Yes, getting back involved with him would be stupid and I think it would probably make its way into being one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

[MacGuffin]

It's not stupid, but it's not healthy, either. This is a person whose behavior has clearly shown you that they make poor choices for themselves and regarding the other people in their life, and that he doesn't value you as much as he values drugs and partying and his other "friends."

Maybe he has come to the realization that his life is completely screwed up and his choices are leading him down a path he doesn't want to go down, and maybe he really does want to change who he is. That's all well and good, but that's not going to happen while he is mooching off some of his druggy friends just because his parents won't let him live with them. He's going to get sucked right back into that lifestyle and you're going to get left in the dust.

I know this guy is appealing, and you feel you have a connection with him, but wait. Words don't necessarily mean actions, and right now his actions aren't matching the words he has said to you. If he really values your friendship and wants back in your life, he can work on pulling himself away from dangerous and unhealthy situations before enlisting your help. Hopefully he values you enough to do just that, and not take the fact you're wanting to give him fourth chance again for granted.

[Magic.]

Thanks guys ... those are kind of my feelings at the moment. Like I won't let myself get involved at all, no matter how much I want to, unless he quits the drugs.
I know he's a nice guy off of them, because I've seen that, and loved that. But he'd have to get clean before I did anything again.
I did tell him that I know his mum and I know she'd help him get clean if he wanted to, his dad's not so cool but his mum would take him back if he quit destroying himself ... she just can't bear to watch him doing so much damage to himself. I said it's not my place to change him and I can't make him, but if he wants to make his life better only he can do it, and he needs to get off the drugs and away from people who encourage his lifestyle.
I just don't know, I feel like if he gets off things and makes his life improve we could be great together again, cos he was only ever crappy once he started the drugs. I always felt like I wanted that him back, the one who treated me like a princess and didn't put so much before me. I can just never tell he's legit until he does it