..Online Relationship.. Update.

[KarinaLizeth]

This is an update from my previous thread that was titled "..Online Relationship.. What's Your Opinion?"

So, yesterday I found out "Jack" was indeed fake. I asked him for proof. He was afraid of getting caught by his mother, so with some help from members on this website, I figured out a way for him to prove it without getting caught. I told him how and I told him if he couldn't do it then he was fake and it's over between us. So, he finally admitted he's fake..

"Jack's" real name is Eli and he's 16 yrs old. :/ I'm 18 so I was not happy about that. He also showed me what he really looks like and as I'm typing this he is taking a picture for proof this time. I really love him so I'm planning on staying with him eventhough I feel like I'm dating a child now. :/

Trust is pretty much almost completely gone. This one lie about who he was turned into many lies on things like his age, the fact that he's still in highschool and not in college like he told me and many other things.. No one likes liars, especially not me :/ so he's going to have to work hard to regain my trust.

I forgive him for using fake pictures because I know what it feels like to wish to be someone else. He stole pictures from a student named, Cooper. They attend the same school so that's how Eli knows Cooper and was easily able to steal pictures from Cooper's facebook account. When I was 14yrs old, I once pretended to be my more attractive, older sister. :// So, I can't be completely mad at him. He told me that at first he liked me and since I was older, he felt he needed to be older and more attractive. He said he never thought the lie would get that big nor that him and I would fall in love, therefore; be affected by it so much. He was afraid to tell me the truth incase I left him or hurt myself because of it. Now that I know the truth I feel sort of relieved. I'm hoping things will still be the same between us. Eventhough Eli's age is bugging me, I still want to be with him because he acts a lot more mature than me sometimes. He might be a huge liar but we all make mistakes and do stupid things, so I know I'll forgive him in time..

Anyways, that's my update for anyone that read and/or commented on my other post.(:

[Aletheia*]

I'm sorry he lied to you. Is that really a good pretense to start a relationship? I wouldn't think so. You could only imagine what else he is/will lie to you about. Also, keep in mind there are legalities to dating minor's. If you were caught, you could get into serious trouble! Keep all these things in mind.

[KarinaLizeth]

Originally Posted by ShannonPants

I'm sorry he lied to you. Is that really a good pretense to start a relationship? I wouldn't think so. You could only imagine what else he is/will lie to you about. Also, keep in mind there are legalities to dating minor's. If you were caught, you could get into serious trouble! Keep all these things in mind.

Yea, I've thought about the legal consequences to dating a minor.. I think we'll be ok since we're not having any physical contact but I need to look more into it because I don't want to get in trouble and much less him into trouble. I know it seems like he's an awful guy and a giant liar but I don't think it's like that.. Thr only thing he's lied to me about is his idemtity which lead him to have to lie about other things. I honestly don't think he'll lie again, especially not about something this big again. Also, he sent me the proof picture so I know it's him for sure this time.

[RachelLUV]

I kinda did the same thing "Jack" did only my boyfriend and I didnt meet online nor did i lie about my age. When we first started talking I lied about almost everything. I had said that i slept with my past boyfriends even though i was a virgin, I had told him that i was into really hardcore drugs even though the hardest drug I had ever done was shrooms, and i had lied about a bunch of other random stuff about my life.

Thinking back I realize that If i had never lied to him he probably would have liked me even more. He would have rather dated a virgin, he hates drugs, and i just didnt need to lie to him. I never knew we would fall in love or even end up dating so it didnt matter at the time. After we had been together for a month and a half i had finally told him the truth about everything. He was extremely upset at first and i felt so sad a guilty. I hated making someone that i loved so much feel so bad. He ended up forgiving me and i am so grateful. We have been dating for over 5 months now and im still working on getting his trust back.

Im really sorry he lied to you and i think that being able to trust him again is going to be really hard, but i think that if you guys love each other you can get through anything

And thanks for posting this because its kind of an insight into how my boyfriend felt when i lied to him.

[KarinaLizeth]

Originally Posted by RachelLUV

I kinda did the same thing "Jack" did only my boyfriend and I didnt meet online nor did i lie about my age. When we first started talking I lied about almost everything. I had said that i slept with my past boyfriends even though i was a virgin, I had told him that i was into really hardcore drugs even though the hardest drug I had ever done was shrooms, and i had lied about a bunch of other random stuff about my life.

Thinking back I realize that If i had never lied to him he probably would have liked me even more. He would have rather dated a virgin, he hates drugs, and i just didnt need to lie to him. I never knew we would fall in love or even end up dating so it didnt matter at the time. After we had been together for a month and a half i had finally told him the truth about everything. He was extremely upset at first and i felt so sad a guilty. I hated making someone that i loved so much feel so bad. He ended up forgiving me and i am so grateful. We have been dating for over 5 months now and im still working on getting his trust back.

Im really sorry he lied to you and i think that being able to trust him again is going to be really hard, but i think that if you guys love each other you can get through anything

And thanks for posting this because its kind of an insight into how my boyfriend felt when i lied to him.

Yea I know how some people feel like they need to lie to someone in order to impress them. I myself have done it but on small things. It's just the way we humans are. We feel like we need to look better than what we really are and sometimes lie to achieve it. As long as you learned your lesson then I think it's no harm, no foul. And I hope Elijah("Jack") learned his lesson too. In an online relationship trust is vital!!.. So the lack of ttust I have in him now might break us up. Honestly, since I only found out yesterday, I'm still upset and confused but I'm pretty sure that soon I'll forgive him for it and things will be fine again.(:

[bitesize]

Originally Posted by KarinaLizeth

I really love him so I'm planning on staying with him...

Trust is pretty much almost completely gone. This one lie about who he was turned into many lies on things like his age, the fact that he's still in highschool and not in college like he told me and many other things.. No one likes liars, especially not me :/

Um, why are you planning on staying with him??

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, especially because I don't believe in online relationships anyway, so I'll try not to be too biased.... but come on. You thought you were in love with him, but you were only in love with the person he thought he was. How can you still like him when he's lied to this extent?? If he's lied like this there's no telling what else he'll lie about, and what kind of relationship can you build on that foundation?? The fact that he's only sixteen and you feel like you're dating a child should be enough to tell you that the relationship should end - sexuality would always be a huge huge issue. If you can't feel that you can trust him any more and he's not the person you thought he was, why bother staying with him?? Find someone that can be genuine with you, that's old enough for you, and that you can genuinely trust. It'll be worth it.

[Composure]

Originally Posted by KarinaLizeth

Yea, I've thought about the legal consequences to dating a minor.. I think we'll be ok since we're not having any physical contact but I need to look more into it because I don't want to get in trouble and much less him into trouble. I know it seems like he's an awful guy and a giant liar but I don't think it's like that.. Thr only thing he's lied to me about is his idemtity which lead him to have to lie about other things. I honestly don't think he'll lie again, especially not about something this big again. Also, he sent me the proof picture so I know it's him for sure this time.

There are actually no laws against dating a minor. Having sex, sexting, sharing nude pictures, etc. with one is.

That is the case here, at least.

[Guile]

Originally Posted by ShannonPants

I'm sorry he lied to you. Is that really a good pretense to start a relationship? I wouldn't think so. You could only imagine what else he is/will lie to you about. Also, keep in mind there are legalities to dating minor's. If you were caught, you could get into serious trouble! Keep all these things in mind.

Actually it's only illegal to have sexual contact (such as kissing, etc.)

[Composure]

Originally Posted by Guile

Actually it's only illegal to have sexual contact (such as kissing, etc.)

I'm sorry, but how is kissing sexual in any way?

To the OP: I'm glad you sorted things out, and I hope it doesn't affect you in the long run. It's good to hear that some things work out, even if it was a major thing.

[Guile]

Originally Posted by Composure

I'm sorry, but how is kissing sexual in any way?

To the OP: I'm glad you sorted things out, and I hope it doesn't affect you in the long run. It's good to hear that some things work out, even if it was a major thing.

You could be charged with "Sexual Battery" (Technically Sexual Assault), for unwanted, or non consensual (which in this case would be statutorily non consensual) touching (which includes kissing) of someone else.

Don't Feed the Law-Troll!

To the OP: It's good though that you two have worked through your disagreement, all couples have arguments.

[Composure]

Originally Posted by Guile

You could be charged with "Sexual Battery" (Technically Sexual Assault), for unwanted, or non consensual (which in this case would be statutorily non consensual) touching (which includes kissing) of someone else.

Don't Feed the Law-Troll!

To the OP: It's good though that you two have worked through your disagreement, all couples have arguments.

Got statutes and precedents as authority?

I'm basing this off Acts in my own jurisdiction, but here's my take on the matter:

Section 47(1) of the Crimes Act 1958 states:

(1) A person must not wilfully commit, or wilfully be in any way a party to the commission of, an indecent act with or in the presence of a child under the age of 16 to whom he or she is not married.

If the charge involves consent, it is the onus of the prosecution to prove lack of consent (Section 47(3)).

Having done criminal law myself, I understand that each case is particularly subjective and should be taken on such a merit. If two people are consensually committing to an act, or could have been reasonably construed to be consensual by the party charged, kissing cannot be construed as an "indecent act" by law.

In the case of R v Papamitrou [2004] VSCA 12, the court found that any consensual kissing, that does not appear to be an "indecent act" (as defined), cannot be construed as an "indecent act." A father can kiss his daughter without it being a sexual act, the same way two consensual de facto partners can kiss without it being an indecent act. It can only be construed as an "indecent act" if the person "wilfully commit[s]" the act without consent.

In R v A J S [2005] VSCA 288, the trial judge stated on the definition of "wilfully commits" as being "reckless as to the consequences," and in the case of kissing, you can't be reckless as to the consequences if there are no consequences. But again, the case is subjective and the accused's state of mind is also subjective, not objective.

e.g. a stranger and a minor can kiss and it can be construed as an indecent act, if proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the minor did not consent to the kiss and the stranger was reckless as to the consequences of the kiss.

But you tell me: how can kissing be construed as an "indecent act" if both parties consent?


don't tempt a law-troll.

[PSY]

To Composure and Guile: While I find all of this interesting to read, you're getting a bit off-topic, so please continue your discussion via VM or PM. =)

To KarinaLizeth: Ouch. One of my friends faced a similar situation. Actually, it was significantly worse, because the man turned out to be a woman. =P Which wasn't necessarily a deal-breaker, because she was open to the possibility of dating a woman... but the fact that her "boyfriend" lied about so much definitely took a toll on their relationship. I echo what Bitesize said: it's almost like you've fallen in love with someone else entirely. Sure, his personality and interests are the same, but it's going to take a while to 1) trust him again, and 2) reconstruct who he really is in your mind. That's going to take a lot of work on your part, and honestly, I'm not sure you'll be able to have a strong relationship with him again. If you really want to be with him in the long-run, then I would give it a shot... but don't push yourself past your limits out of sympathy for him. If you can't regain those same feelings for him, then let this be a life lesson for him - he can't deceive the people he loves, no matter how good his reasons may seem at the time. Then, you'll both be free to find other people and fall in love all over again, without all of this emotional baggage.

[KarinaLizeth]

Originally Posted by bitesize

Um, why are you planning on staying with him??

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, especially because I don't believe in online relationships anyway, so I'll try not to be too biased.... but come on. You thought you were in love with him, but you were only in love with the person he thought he was. How can you still like him when he's lied to this extent?? If he's lied like this there's no telling what else he'll lie about, and what kind of relationship can you build on that foundation?? The fact that he's only sixteen and you feel like you're dating a child should be enough to tell you that the relationship should end - sexuality would always be a huge huge issue. If you can't feel that you can trust him any more and he's not the person you thought he was, why bother staying with him?? Find someone that can be genuine with you, that's old enough for you, and that you can genuinely trust. It'll be worth it.

I agree with you about the lying and how he should have been genuine with me. Here's the thing though(excuse me if I sound rude but it's because I just woke up and am a bit grouchy at the moment ) I did NOT fall in love with the photos of the guy he was pretending to be, I did NOT fall in love with the age he was pretending to be, I did NOT fall in love with him saying he was in college. I fell in love with his personality. He's the only guy that has ever given a rat's ass about me. He understands me and is always there for me when I need him. That means more to me than anything. Yes he did lie a lot and about major things but like I said, everyone makes mistakes and if he learns from it then no harm, no foul. I've already almost fully forgive him for it so I'm not going to have resentment toward him. Although I still have trust in him, I will probably question him a bit more when I feel he's lying. Other than that, it's like nothing changed. About his age, the reason I said I feel as if I'm dating a child is because I actually dated a guy whom was three years younger than I (I was seventeen at the time) and a lot of people would ridicule us. I just felt as if it was going to happen all over again. No one likes to be made fun of and I ESPECIALLY DON'T WANT TO BE MADE FUN OF FOR LOVING SOMEONE, no matter their appearance or age or anything!! This experience just served as a lesson to learn from for both Elijah and I(:

[KarinaLizeth]

Originally Posted by Composure

There are actually no laws against dating a minor. Having sex, sexting, sharing nude pictures, etc. with one is.

That is the case here, at least.

Wow, in that case now I'm grateful that Elijah and I don't sext. At first I sort of felt bad about not sexting because I thought he wanted it, but he told me he doesn't even like it. xD So that was a relief, lol. And neither him nor I, are the type of people to send nudes. And thank you for posting parts of the law and clarifying them.(: Helped a lot. I think we're safe to be dating then!(: yay!!

[KarinaLizeth]

Originally Posted by PSY

To Composure and Guile: While I find all of this interesting to read, you're getting a bit off-topic, so please continue your discussion via VM or PM. =)

To KarinaLizeth: Ouch. One of my friends faced a similar situation. Actually, it was significantly worse, because the man turned out to be a woman. =P Which wasn't necessarily a deal-breaker, because she was open to the possibility of dating a woman... but the fact that her "boyfriend" lied about so much definitely took a toll on their relationship. I echo what Bitesize said: it's almost like you've fallen in love with someone else entirely. Sure, his personality and interests are the same, but it's going to take a while to 1) trust him again, and 2) reconstruct who he really is in your mind. That's going to take a lot of work on your part, and honestly, I'm not sure you'll be able to have a strong relationship with him again. If you really want to be with him in the long-run, then I would give it a shot... but don't push yourself past your limits out of sympathy for him. If you can't regain those same feelings for him, then let this be a life lesson for him - he can't deceive the people he loves, no matter how good his reasons may seem at the time. Then, you'll both be free to find other people and fall in love all over again, without all of this emotional baggage.

What you said about it taking time to reconstruct who he is in my mind, I found that to be a huge problem yesterday. I kept calling him Jack instead of his real name. Also, I deleted all of the pictures of the guy he was pretending to be; while I was deleting them I kept telling myself that he is not Jack/Elijah and it was hard because I've been thinking it's him for almost a year now. :/ Now that I deleted the photos, it's sort of easier to put Elijah's real image into my head.

P.S. I'm sorry for posting so many replies but it's because I'm on my ipod and don't know how to link them all together. Sorry.

[jenny713]

you did the right thing. itll help you alot !