VERY LONG BUT PLEASE READ Whats the best way to break up with/announce a temporary break in a realationship with a very sensitive guy?

[Hawkest Sevrae]

Seems i cant stop hurting him. I don't do anything to hurt him but worry and stress out. I love him and feel I need to either take a break from the relationship or break it off and just be close friends, but there are a few things about this situation that I feel need to be pointed out for the sake of clarification.
1st:
His mom. She is an over protective, bible thumping,mightier-than-thou, spiteful, abusive, homophobic woman who has no clue her son is a bisexual. She also openly expresses hatred towards me,my boyfriend (her second eldest son), her 7 other children, my mom, my dad, my sister, and anyone who wont beat a child. She already thinks I've quote, "Ruined his life" when I've talked him out of suicide, managed to get the money and transportation to get him to a counselor (unbeknownst to her because she beats him if she thinks hes trying to get away from her), talked to him when he stopped trusting the counselor, got him to stop cutting as much, made him more level headed and less violent, showed him more love than she's ever shown him, and given him reason to see the good in life.
2nd:
He self harms and I'm very worried about triggering cutting. I just got him to stop cutting but he still has his slip ups. I self harm also, but not in the form of cutting, but rather not letting physical wounds heal properly, hitting my head on the wall, hitting the wall with my hands, and pulling my hair. I still havent told him that I self harm because I worry that he'd think it's his fault and start cutting again.
3rd:
I'm not sure that I want to break up with him. It's my mom who put the idea in my head. I've had the idea of taking a break from the relationship but never considered a break-up. I've been lucky to have a very open line of communication with my mom and she's been a good source of advice but this is the first time I've questioned her judgement.
4th:
He and I have put A LOT of effort into this relationship. I'll admit we're young and this is his first long-term relationship after three very short-lived relationships (not even a week each, each except the first which was with another guy ,that ended in a fist fight, the rest ending with him being cheated on) and that this is also my first long-term relationship, (out of various very close friendships with guys and girls alike but nothing ever date like) but we've invested alot of time, commitment, love, and trust in this relationship, and I don't want to let it go without knowing I tried everything, and neither does he. However, we made it clear to one another that if one of us wanted a break from the relationship or some space we could ask for it.
5th:
Our relationship is dysfunctional, but not in the usual, abusive way. He doesn't control me and I dont control him, but the balance of power between us leans more towards me, and winds up with me leading. I don't like to lead and we are still working on finding a balance of power that works for us both, seeing as neither of us like to lead. For example, if we go on a walk in the park when his mom isn't stalking us (when she does I have to act a bit more shy than I really am and let him lead because his mom thinks that he should have complete control over me at all times but as soon as we know she's out of the area thanks to several of my friends who know of our plight but are sworn to secrecy), we tend to go in circles because we just follow one another, or we just meander about aimlessly because we just hold hands and go where ever the other wants to go, which is usually... in circles.
6th:
You may ask "well why haven't you called Child Protective Services?" the answer is cold and harsh. I have no proof against her. I know for a fact that she deprives her younger children of food to make them obey, and that she beats them with a belt when they don't listen. They are scared for their safety and wont testify against her. Ive discussed this with them before. Some of the children are adopted and have endured horrid things, only to be taken in by her and put through more. Several of them see counselors, whom they don't tell about any abuse out of fear. My boyfriend is the 2nd eldest of the children she has at home, along with his oldest brother who just mooches off his mom for money and does nothing with his life other than nose into others'. His stepfather is a trucker who is away for two weeks at a time, home for two days, then gone again, when he's home I'm not sure if the abuse happens or not, but I know his mom cheats on his stepfather. His biological father is in prison for matters I will not disclose.

That is all I feel comfortable saying at this moment, and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

[Bella xx]

Judging by what you've written, you sound like you dont exactly want to break-up with him. If, however I am wrong and you do want to break up with him, just make sure you let him down easy.
But if you think a break is the best way to go for both of you I believe what you should do is sit down with him and explain to him all the stress your going through and calmly explain that you think you need a little break to sort things out. If he gets upset and you can see that he is loosing hope, put your hand over his and say "Im not leaving you forever, I will always love you. I just need a little break to sort out all the things I have going on." If is still skeptical just really stress the point that you love him and wont be gone forever.
As for you last point, all your conversations with the younger children and your boyfriend, should be enough to hire a private investigator. He would be able to find out what is really happening in that home, and gather enough evidence for a prosecutor. Please pm me if ou have ANY questions. I would like to hear an update on the kids welfare as well. Good luck <3

Ellie xx

[sasaboo]

When you say "beat" do you mean spank on the butt, or something worse? Because I was spanked and I'm fine, great, even. BUT it does sound like something a little worse is going on here. Also, please don't get the notion that all of us Christians are "bible-thumping, holier than thou's". She sounds totally evil, but we're not all like that. Just wanted to say that...
As far as taking a break, I'm going through something similar. I would just... try to talk to him, if you can, when you think he's in a good enough state of mind to take it. In the end, you really have to worry about your own self, which is something I'm struggling with doing myself. You love him and you'll want to put him first, which is great and all. Just, when it comes down to it, you need to keep your mental health in check however you can do it. At some point, you'll probably have to put your foot down one way or another (kindly and gently, of course). Just, like the girl above me said, sit him down and tell him that you love him very much, but you think it might be a good idea to take a break because you're very stressed, and you don't think it's good for you all to be together at the moment. Are you afraid of the stress putting more damper on the relationship? Let him know that, because it'll let him know that you have him in your mind, and that you're trying to do what's best for y'alls relationship.

They say that taking a break not only doesn't mean an end to a relationship, it can actually benefit the relationship. When you talk to him, stress that this can help, and give him some positives. Maybe do some research and come to him with some positives of going through this. In a way, tell him what he needs to hear, but don't go so far as to lose your footing and give in if he gets upset. Have a sufficient amount to say to him, and if all else fails, hug him long and good.

Good luck!

[JKmadu619]

"A break" are you kidding? Either you finish it or you don't. Don't give him crushing news with some faint glimmer of hope. You cannot sit on the fence, either you're done with him or you want to be with him, don't cop out.

Just tell him you just need a couple days apart to sort things through, but none of this "Take an indefinately extended break from each other."

You're 16, you aren't super human, and you aren't a psychologist. If he really is in trouble you need to contact one, but you're young and you aren't expected to commit time and effort to "save" someone yet. So if you really don't like him don't worry too much about the long-term effects. Call a psychologist to help him if you're honestly worried, but don't go on in a bad relationship because you're worried about the othe rperson being sad.

- Justin

[PSY]

Honestly, I don't see how taking a "break" would help either of you. If you can't handle all the emotional stress, break up with him, in order to preserve your own mental well-being. If you're just having a hard time finding a balance - stick through it. Communicate. That's what couples do during difficult periods of their lives. They don't withdraw from each other when the going gets tough. They work together and support each other.

Obviously, it's hard because your boyfriend doesn't want to contact CPS. That may be something you'll need to insist upon with your boyfriend. If he doesn't get help for himself and for his siblings, nothing is going to change, and you'll only be able to go so far in resolving these conflicts. If he's willing to get help, though, and you can assure him of your love and support (both emotional and financial - it sounds like your parents are aware of the situation and willing to help him out), then there's no reason why you two can't remain together and continue to grow stronger as a couple.

If you honestly don't want to be with him anymore - then break up with him. Don't make a list of reasons why you "can't" be with him right now. Just be honest with yourself and with him. If the feelings aren't there anymore, then they aren't there anymore, and there's no point in dragging things out. Support him as a friend, but don't give yourself or him false hope by saying you need time to sort things out. Life rarely works that way. Either you know you want to be with him, through thick and thin, or you know it's not enough, and you want out.

Work on getting help for your boyfriend, and keep getting help for yourself. I wish you both all the best, and hope something can be done for your boyfriend and his siblings soon.

[Guardian_Angel]

I have to agree with Justin and Robin...

If you choose to break up with him, then don't try to soften the blow with false hope. That just gets you into a bind where he is given expectations and hopes, which if dashed will only have the added pain of betrayal as well as the normal emotions attached.... Giving him hope just hurts him more...

If you do decide to end it, no matter how sensitive he is, break it to him gently, but truthfully.