When To Start Having Sex Again?

[Algernon]

When do you think It's reasonable and fair to start having sex after a breakup?

The only person I want to sleep with is well... My ex. But he doesn't want to sleep with me. And he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't have sex with anyone else. In the meantime, I'm not getting any. Apparently his "mind and body" isn't into having sex but he's not looking for anyone. Am I supposed to sit around and wait for some miracle to happen and he wants me back?

I don't want that "Oh you have sex with blah" only 2 weeks after we broke up.

Most of you have read my threads and know I've been through hell. A friend of mine said that my ex is "testing" me... I'm not sure, but that doesn't sound fair.

Mind we had sex everyday. And now nothing. It's a little frustrating on the body.

[Tynan]

I think its when you feel ready to be with someone other then your ex.
But I've been told to wait a month or two out of respect for the other half, but since your other half is already thinking about it I wouldn't worry too much about that part.

[Le bonheur*]

Originally Posted by Shikamaru

I think its when you feel ready to be with someone other then your ex.
But I've been told to wait a month or two out of respect for the other half, but since your other half is already thinking about it I wouldn't worry too much about that part.

You took the words right outta my mouth.

[Aletheia*]

Whenever you feel comfortable with it.
There is no right or wrong answer to the question.
When you feel ready to sleep with another person, go for it.
Sitting around and waiting for him to come back isn't fair to you, especially since he's contemplating sleeping with other people already.

[Work_In_Progress]

Whenever you find someone else sexually attractive and they equally find you as attractive and you go ahead and get it on. You strike me as someone that doesn't beat around the bush, so once you start getting out there and find someone attractive that you would want to bang, it's smooth sailing from there for you.

[Algernon]

Originally Posted by Work_In_Progress

Whenever you find someone else sexually attractive and they equally find you as attractive and you go ahead and get it on. You strike me as someone that doesn't beat around the bush, so once you start getting out there and find someone attractive that you would want to bang, it's smooth sailing from there for you.

Lol, thanks.

As you all know, my ex is being confusing. He's so hurt and still loves me but doesn't want to get back with me, blah blah blah. It's too much for me and It's unfair in some ways.

Is over 2 weeks a good amount of time, out of respect of the relationship? What if he finds out I had sex with someone else and thinks I don't love him, then what? That's what I feel will happen, but is he really justified?

[dr2005]

Short answer is: when you feel ready, emotionally as well as physically, to have sex again, and that really is down to you. Whether two weeks is long enough and the effect it'll have is again something which is down to you and how you feel about the situation - if your ex is already thinking about sex with others then that may give you an indication as to how he feels about things, but ultimately you know better than us. It really is down to how you feel about it if and when the situation arises - it's not something that tends to be easy to prejudge. At the same time, given how things currently are I'd also caution against basing your actions on the possibility of something rekindling with your ex - I did that once and believe me it's not the way forward...

Anyway, hope some of that helps and take care.

[Maloo]

I don't want you to feel like I'm attacking you in your threads, our opinions just differ severely.

I personally think that if you still love someone, you wouldn't go out and have sex with other people. It confuses me when people talk about not having sex like it's the end of the world. I get that you guys had sex every day, but I don't see lack of sex as being a big deal. Sure, it's more enjoyable to be having sex, but I don't see the huge issue.

[Nicole!]

Originally Posted by Maloo

I don't want you to feel like I'm attacking you in your threads, our opinions just differ severely.

I personally think that if you still love someone, you wouldn't go out and have sex with other people. It confuses me when people talk about not having sex like it's the end of the world. I get that you guys had sex every day, but I don't see lack of sex as being a big deal. Sure, it's more enjoyable to be having sex, but I don't see the huge issue.

I completely agree with this. I don't see why you have to immediately start having sex again when you just broke up.

[Algernon]

I don't want to. Like I said, the only person that I want to is my ex... I'm just afraid he's going to start sleeping around. I don't know how I'd handle that, It would hurt too much..

[Work_In_Progress]

He broke it off with you. However he decides to deal with it and with other emotions that is going on in his life is his business alone. Same goes with how you decide to cope with the break up.

Last Friday would be 2 weeks since I broke up with my girlfriend. It just did not work out for me for a number of reasons, and she reacted in a way that made it into a huge cluster fuck, which I have described all of this in another thread. I no longer have feelings for her(in a romantic way). Whatever she decides to do and whatever I decide to do afterwards is our business. For example, I am interested in someone else now and will probably ask her out on a date if the flirting continues the way that it has been this past week. It came as a surprise to me, thinking it might be a rebound, but I'd like to think I'm mature enough that it's not just a rebound and I really truly am over my ex. The breakup of the relationship wasn't just done on a whim. If me and this other girl end up going on a date, my ex does not have to know about it. Heck, if she ended up dating someone else, I don't have to know about it. We are no longer together. Do you see where this is going?

If he does end up having another relationship or sleeping with someone else and you end up finding out about it, I really hope you don't end up being hysterical. I do understand that you still love him, but the fact is he did break it off with you for xx reasons.

[Come get some]

Originally Posted by Algernon

Lol, thanks.

As you all know, my ex is being confusing. He's so hurt and still loves me but doesn't want to get back with me, blah blah blah. It's too much for me and It's unfair in some ways.

I think that is called an oxymoron.

Is over 2 weeks a good amount of time, out of respect of the relationship? What if he finds out I had sex with someone else and thinks I don't love him, then what? That's what I feel will happen, but is he really justified?

Don't tell him.

[Algernon]

Originally Posted by Come get some

Don't tell him.

Not that kind of person. I don't keep secrets.

[Maloo]

Originally Posted by Algernon

I don't want to. Like I said, the only person that I want to is my ex... I'm just afraid he's going to start sleeping around. I don't know how I'd handle that, It would hurt too much..

I guess I'm really not understanding your question then.. Because you say you don't want to, but you ask "what if he finds out?" I'm confused, I guess.

[Algernon]

Originally Posted by Maloo

I guess I'm really not understanding your question then.. Because you say you don't want to, but you ask "what if he finds out?" I'm confused, I guess.

Sorry for the confusion.... Like 2 or 3 months down the road. What If I've moved on and he wants me back. And I've been with someone else. Can he really throw that in my face? Why couldn't he promise me he wouldn't sleep with anyone else, but according to my friend he's testing me to see what I'm going to do.

[Maloo]

If you've moved on and he decides he wants you back, then that's his problem, not yours. You can't be expected to wait forever for someone.

[dr2005]

Originally Posted by Maloo

If you've moved on and he decides he wants you back, then that's his problem, not yours. You can't be expected to wait forever for someone.

This, basically. The key words there are "moved on" - if that does happen, it's for a reason and he can't really complain in the circumstances.

[Algernon]

Originally Posted by Maloo

If you've moved on and he decides he wants you back, then that's his problem, not yours. You can't be expected to wait forever for someone.

I know I shouldn't wait forever... But what is a good amount of time for him to come around?

[Aletheia*]

Originally Posted by Algernon

I know I shouldn't wait forever... But what is a good amount of time for him to come around?

With his mental problems, it could take a while before he's ready to come back to you. In my opinion, don't wait for him to come around. Just move on.

[Nicole!]

Originally Posted by Zelophobia

With his mental problems, it could take a while before he's ready to come back to you. In my opinion, don't wait for him to come around. Just move on.

I agree. You broke up because you were having problems, if you did get back together would those problems still be there? Most likely, because you didn't work through them.
I think instead of waiting for if he comes around (key word: if) I would try and move on. You are broken up, as others have said what you decide to do is your business. If you want to have sex, then so be it. You aren't together anymore, and it was his decision.

[Lars]

Well you guys are broken up so I dont think he should have a say when you should and when you shouldnt. However I dont think you should just go out and do it with someone right away to satiate the sexual appetite, maybe wait a couple days. I think how long to wait depends on when you find someone else you are comfortable enough to have sex with.

[Chris.]

Personally, I think that its fair and reasonable to have sex about 2 weeks after a break up.

No need for the BS. No need for the games. You are an adult. And if he is testing you, and flips out when you move on becuase you actually have a life unlike him, I would say just that. "I have a life, and we broke up. So I moved on. Im not going to play games with you. Im an adult, how about you start acting like one as well" and walk away. Life is to short to be trying to figure out what hes thinking, or what he wants to do, or waiting around for WHEN he feels like coming back.

Goodluck!

[Nicole!]

Originally Posted by Lars

Well you guys are broken up so I dont think he should have a say when you should and when you shouldnt.

I agree with this. I'd just like to add that since he broke up with you, he shouldn't get mad about what you decide to do. He was the one who ended it after all.

[Brandon]

Originally Posted by Algernon

When do you think It's reasonable and fair to start having sex after a breakup?

When you want to have sex to feel good rather than being influenced by your ex-boyfriend on when you should have sex, that is when you should have sex. It could range from immediately after a break up to the rest of your life. The reason why I say immediately after is because...if you were affected by your ex breaking up with you, the body's response would be to do something that makes you feel good. When a smoker experiences a stressful situation, he/she might take a "smoke break." With sexual experience, you know that sex might make you feel good, and therefore you use what you know to make yourself feel better. Homeostasis...your body senses an imbalance, and therefore it's trying to correct itself by making yourself more horny (or convincing you that you are horny) so you can get your mind your ex boyfriend. But if your decision to have sex with someone is influenced by an ex boyfriend, you shouldn't have sex just like someone who smokes cigarettes shouldn't smoke cigarettes to rebel against their controlling parents because you'd be smoking for all the wrong reasons.

Originally Posted by Algernon

The only person I want to sleep with is well... My ex.

This is an indication that you aren't ready to have sex with anyone else. The reason being is because...well, it'd probably be awkward. You'd probably blurt out your ex's name during intercourse, you may not achieve orgasm because your mind is focused on something else, and it just wouldn't be worth the risk because I feel that you'd end up regretting the sex more than you'd benefit from it.

Originally Posted by Algernon

But he doesn't want to sleep with me.

An ex typically wouldn't want to be involved with someone they broke up with, so that's a logical response. Rarely do people break up and end up becoming friends, especially in long-term relationships, but your ex-boyfriend gives a rational response. The problem isn't him in these circumstances; the problem is that you're not willing to accept that because why would you want to continue having sex with him in the first place? I think it's because you want sex so you can feel any emotional attachment that is left in the relationship. You're not willing to move on, so you want to settle with sex. If that's the case, you're going to have a big problem letting go in the future.

Originally Posted by Algernon

And he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't have sex with anyone else.

An ex boyfriend couldn't make that promise because if he's the one who broke up with you, he's more likely to be the one moving on than the other person. Ya'll have broken up...you can't promise something like that because making that kind of promise would basically be an indirect relationship. The reason why you don't have sex with other people is so you won't cheat on your significant other; but when there's no significant other, there's opportunity to have sex without cheating.

Originally Posted by Algernon

In the meantime, I'm not getting any.

You either gotta settle with masturbation, or you gotta have sex with other people to feel good.

Originally Posted by Algernon

Am I supposed to sit around and wait for some miracle to happen and he wants me back?

No, because that'll only increase your sexual frustration and making you more hurt in the end. He broke up with you, so it's okay if you still are trying to get to the point where you acknowledge that, but if it continues to get worse...you need to figure out something because you can't wait forever. It's life...sometimes you just can't win people back.