What if in the future...

[DutchWelshWolf]

So I have a close friend, Jack, and we've known each other for 2 years, but only really got close last year. Last month, we both admitted to each other that we had feelings for each other, and decided to give a test run of a relationship (since both of us have a lot of stress in life, we didn't know if a relationship could work, with so much stress). The only 2 reasons that I didn't want to get with him were I didn't want to lose him as a friend, if we broke up, and I didn't want to get heartbroken again, if we broke up. In my mind, nothing lasts forever, so chances are our relationship would end. Though, I couldn't think of any reasons why it would end, since we both trust each other, are loyal etc.

Anyway, that test run lasted about 2 weeks. We decided to split up based on 2 things: 1) he had feelings for his ex and another person (I didn't know, until he told me, which is why we ended the relationship) and 2) he didn't want kids (I go for the family man type of guy and though I know I'm young, I would love to have a relationship that lasts). He was against having kids since there are mental illnesses in both our families.

So we were both a bit upset. But now, we didnt even have to build our friendship back up, because we are such good friends, we quickly got over it and now it's like nothing happened (well, nothing happened in the 2 week relationship anyway lol).

The problem I've got is, he said he wouldn't act on those feelings eg get back with his ex or give it a go with the other person. This is because he knows the feelings he has are ones that he should get over...he hasn't spoken to his ex in 4 years, and the other person, defitenly wouldn't start seeing him. Jack also told me that if he didn't have feelings for those two, then he would've stayed with me....which begs the question of if he ever did get over those people....would he get back with me?

Theres no way, I would interfere with his feelings or force him to get over them and get with me, because I know that's wrong, and I couldn't bring myself ever to do it. It's just that as we both have feelings for each other, which even though we haven't seen each other since last summer, our feelings are still quite strong, and I can't see myself getting with another guy any time soon, I know that I will still want Jack. I have distractions in my life such as uni and friends, but during the holidays, I know I will be thinking of him. I know I can't waste my life wondering if he has got over them or not, but as he said if he didn't have feelings for them, he would've stayed with me.

Other things I should probably mention is that Jack is manic depressive and I know when he goes to uni, I am going to be worried in case he meets someone else, and I lose my chance. I would also be jealous if he did.

This isnt a sad post...I'm actually much happier than I was years ago, it's just one of those "what if?" type of questions, which I've been pondering over

[Nicole!]

Well, 4 years is a long time. I'm surprised he isn't over his ex yet, actually. I think the best thing to do is to just give him some space. Sure, those What If's aren't fun, but what happened, happened. Maybe sometime in the future he will change his mind and want to try things again. But you can't make him want to get with you, and it may be best to just stay friends for now since you both have current stresses.

[DutchWelshWolf]

Originally Posted by Melody

Well, 4 years is a long time. I'm surprised he isn't over his ex yet, actually. I think the best thing to do is to just give him some space. Sure, those What If's aren't fun, but what happened, happened. Maybe sometime in the future he will change his mind and want to try things again. But you can't make him want to get with you, and it may be best to just stay friends for now since you both have current stresses.

Agreed. But for the record I would never try to make him get back with me...and yes, we will stay friends for now, it was just the future I was wondering about...as in the distant future lol. Thanks though, I will give him some space

[Nicole!]

Well you never know what will happen in the future so just stay hopeful. But keep your mind open for other guys, because its good to have options

[DutchWelshWolf]

Thanks, Nicole.

Well, it's funny how fast things changed. The other day, I felt awful and I thought I was in love with him (who knows? Lol) and because he left me hanging with the "if I didn't have feelings for those the. I would've stayed with you" I took the plunge and decided to confront him about it (since he had noticed I was in a weird mood, I had no choice but to tell him) his reply was that he couldn't see us together in the future. Rejection hurts, but I'm fine. Because I've realised that actually even though I can put up with his mood swings and depression....he choose to mope over his ex and a guy (who is straight, homophobic, a bully and Jack made him a valentines card 3 years ago, to which this guy opened with his friends, laughed and then ripped it up in front of Jack....not to mention they have never had a conversation or a friendship....yet Jack believes he is in love with him) rather than having a relationship with me. I know his depression might make it hard for him to move on, but I think with that guy....it just takes the mickey. I know I can't waste my time waiting for Jack to get over his feelings, especially because its already been 4 years for his ex. I mean, if in the really distant future, we still had feelings for each other but he no longer had feelings for those people, then fine a relationship would be good. But I can't wait around forever. I just hope I don't fall into the same trap he has about not getting over someone. Since we have decided to remain close friends.

[purplekc95]

You said he isn't the family type of guy, and you want kids one day. That could be a conflict down the road one day if you consider him yours. Think things over a lot. Make a list of everything you want in a guy, things you don't want and set your heart out to find it. Keep every option open.

[Nicole!]

I just want to warn about staying close friends, it will take longer and be harder to get over each other since you are still seeing and talking to each other so often. It might make you miss being able to do couple things.
To avoid his situation, don't jump into a relationship too fast. Make sure you are fully over him and are ready to begin dating again. You need to take some time to heal from this. You're doing the right thing by not waiting around for him, you deserve better.